


As The Ravager Turns - Season One

by AsTheRavagerTurns, Athena83, celticheart72



Series: As The Ravager Turns [1]
Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies)
Genre: Canon Divergence - Movie: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, Canon-Typical Violence, Crude Humor, Dildos, F/M, Family Bonding, Family Dynamics, Family Fluff, Gen, Implied Sexual Content, Inappropriate Humor, Parent Yondu Udonta, Post-Movie: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, Sexual Humor, Team as Family, Violence, Yondu Udonta Lives, edible panties
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-06-27 19:04:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 71
Words: 40,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19797112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsTheRavagerTurns/pseuds/AsTheRavagerTurns, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Athena83/pseuds/Athena83, https://archiveofourown.org/users/celticheart72/pseuds/celticheart72
Summary: A total crack fic space soap opera starring our favorite Ravager Captain Yondu Udonta, his girlfriend Zoe, his adopted sons Kraglin Obfonteri and Peter Quill, and their girlfriends Nebula and Gamora. The rest of the Guardians of the Galaxy will make appearances as will various Ravagers and other beings from around the Galaxies.SEASON ONE IS COMPLETE.





	1. Episode 1

It starts out like any other day on the Eclector. Yondu spends the morning going over a possible mission with Peter and Kraglin, and then heads to the quarters he shares with his girlfriend, Zoe, to see if she wants to eat lunch with him. He could have just sent her a message through their communicators, but he likes surprising her by showing up unannounced.

He walks inside without knocking, and Zoe turns from where she is tidying up the room. He swaggers over to where she stands, but is confused by her greeting.

“Oh, dang, not again. Those were my favorite.” Sighing, she asks, “Yondu, can we stop somewhere soon so I can buy some more panties?”

“I thought we bought ya panties last week?”

“We did, Yondu, but they spontaneously combust whenever you’re around.”

The look on his face is priceless, and Zoe can’t help leaning up to kiss his cheek.

“Ya mean yer panties jus’ burn up when I’m around?”

“Yes, Yondu. You walk into a room with that swagger of yours and they just melt.”

“Yer kiddin’?” He flashes her a crooked grin.

“Nope.” She returns his smile, and wraps her arms around his neck.

“Didn’t know I’s so powerful.”

She laughs, then replies, “Well, you are.”

Still smiling smugly, he pulls her closer. “I’s gonna ask ya if ya wanted ta go eat lunch with me, but now I reckon I’d rather stay in here fer the rest a the day.”

“Mmm… we could do that.”

He growls softly, and all thoughts of lunch are forgotten.

* * *

Yondu wakes before Zoe the next morning and decides to go to Terra to buy some panties for her. He dresses, kisses her cheek softly, and hops on his M-Ship. He’s never actually been in the store with her when she buys them - he normally just hangs around outside and waits for her - and is therefore slightly surprised at the sheer number of choices.

A saleslady hesitantly approaches him. “May I help you, sir?”

“Yeah, I need all yer panties.”

_Will Yondu buy all the panties?  
Find out on the next episode of... As the Ravager Turns_


	2. Episode 2

When Zoe walks into their quarters later that day she is confronted with an entire room full of various types of panties covering every available surface. Her eyes widen in surprise at the sight. “What did you do, Yondu?”

“Went and bought ya some panties.” He shrugs. 

Zoe shakes her head and motions around the room. “This isn’t some panties, Yondu.”

He reaches a hand to the back of his neck. “Woman at the store did lookit me funny when I said I needed ta buy all the panties.”

Earlier on Terra...

The saleslady at Victoria’s Secret looks up and is startled when she sees Yondu walk into the store. 

“Yeah, I need all yer panties.”

She’s sure she’s never seen a blue space pirate with a red fin in her entire life. It takes her a second to register what he just said to her. “Do you, um, need the matching bras?”

“Huh, dunno. She didn’t mention those meltin’.” He puts his hands on his hips and looks around. “Jus’ gimme all the panties. If her bras melt I’ll come back.”

The saleslady is completely baffled while she starts gathering up the panties as he requested. 

Yondu wanders around and discovers a rack of teddies and other lingerie. Turning toward the saleslady he gestures toward it. “She don’t have none of this. Does it melt?”

The saleslady doesn’t know how to react when he hands her some of the lingerie to bag with the panties.

Back in the present on the Eclector…

Zoe picks up one of the pairs of panties and looks more closely at them. “Yondu! These aren’t even my size.”

He grins and dangles a g string on his finger. “Ya didn’t say nothin’ ‘bout a particular size, Darlin’. I jus’ bought all the panties.”

Meanwhile back on Terra…

Yondu has become the Victoria’s Secret sales lady’s favorite customer because he keeps coming back after discovering the sexy lingerie. He also has to keep replacing melting panties.

The owner walks in one day and looks around in confusion. “Where are all the panties?” 

“Somebody came in and bought them all.” 

“All of them?”

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	3. Episode 3

On one of Yondu’s trips back to Terra to buy panties for Zoe he decides to take a different route to the mall where the Victoria’s Secret he goes to is. He happens to notice a store with bots in the windows wearing some things similar to what he bought Zoe on his first trip. He remembers her calling it lingerie.

When he walks in the store he puts his hands on his hips and looks around with a crooked grin. He thinks the place looks kind of like Contraxia and he likes it.

One of the sales people, a woman with purple hair standing up like his fin and a bunch of metal in her face, walks up to Yondu. She looks like a much friendlier sort of human than the ones in the mall thing Zoe always goes to. “Hi there! Are you looking for something particular?”

“Nah honey, jus’ lookin’ right now. But do ya got panties in here?”

“Silk or edible?”

Yondu looks surprised. “Ya got edible panties?!”

She smiles and leads him to a section of the store where he’s faced with panties in different packages as well as some hanging from hooks. 

He contemplates the uses of an edible panty and grins when he thinks about eating Zoe’s panties and then eating Zoe. “I’ll take ‘em all.”

While the sales lady gathers the panties for him he wanders around the store looking at everything and eventually comes across the sex toys. Right there in front of him is what looks like a Centaurian penis.

“Y’all Terrans cut off yer cocks and sell ‘em?”

“What?!” The sales lady walks over to figure out what he’s going on about. “Oh! That’s a dildo. It’s made from a mold of man’s penis, but it’s not a real penis.” She picks it up and shakes it. “See? It’s made from rubber.”

“Huh. Yer Terran men must not be very good at sex if y’all girls need fake cocks.”

She just raises an eyebrow and gives him a once over. “I get off in a few hours.”

Yondu smiles, but shakes his head. “Sorry, honey, only woman I want’s my Zoe.”

The sales lady bounces her shoulders and gives him a warm smile. “It was worth a shot. I’ll get the rest of the edible panties together for you. Did you want to look at anything else?”

Yondu remembers Peter is Terran and feels sorry for Gamora. “Better gimme that blue rubber cock, too.”

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	4. Episode 4

When Yondu returns to the Eclector, he immediately goes to find Peter.

“Hey, Yondu, what’s going on?”

Yondu is looking unusually concerned, and Peter isn’t sure what to make of it. “Is everything okay?”

“I dunno, son. I jus’ didn’t know y’all Terrans had the kinda problems y’all do.”

“What are you talking about, Yondu?”

He hands a paper bag to Peter, and says, “Got this fer ya. Maybe it’ll help.”

Peter is strangely touched by the thought of Yondu giving him a gift, but his happiness is cut short once he actually opens the bag. “Yondu, what - ?” He stops talking, horrified that Yondu would give him something like this. When he takes it out of the bag, he loses his grip on it, juggles it for a few seconds, then drops it. He then realizes that not only is it a dildo, but it’s  _ blue _ .

“Yondu,  _ why?  _ Why would you do this?”

They both stare at the blue dildo lying at Yondu’s feet.

“Thought ya could use it.”

“But  _ why _ ?”

“I’s jus’ tryin’ ta help, son. S’important ta make sure yer woman’s satisfied. But I didn’t know Terran men were so bad at sex. ‘Parently y’all need a lil’ help. That’s what them rubber cocks is fer.”

He places his hand on Peter’s shoulder, and continues, “Woulda had this talk a long time ago if I’d known. Ya shoulda told me, son.”

Peter looks at Yondu, wide-eyed and with his hands spread in front of him. “I don’t have a problem with it, Yondu!”

“Now, it ain’t nothin’ ta be ashamed of, ya ain’t the only Terran with tha problem. They got whole shops fer it.”

“Yondu, I am telling you, I’m fine!”

“Is it tha color? I can go back an’ get a different one.”

Peter closes his eyes and takes a calming breath. “Okay, I’m just going to walk away now.”

He leaves, and Kraglin and Drax walk into the room as Yondu is picking up the dildo.

“Ya want this, Kraglin?”

“Uh, no thanks, think my own cock works just fine.”

Drax is confused. “Who cut off their penis?”

“It was fer Peter.”

“Quill cut off his penis?”

Drax takes the dildo, and goes in search of Peter. He finds him in the maintenance wing, working on the Benatar.

“Quill! Why did you cut off your penis?”

“What?! I didn’t cut off my penis. Why would you say that?!”

Then he sees the dildo.

“It’s blue! Why would you even think it’s mine?”

“I don’t know what color your penis is.”

"The same color as the rest of me, Drax!”

Meanwhile, Yondu has found Zoe.

“Darlin’, I gotta surprise fer ya. An’ I think we should move ta Terra. They got some good shops.”

He hands her the shopping bag from the xxx store.

She smiles as she opens it, but then is instantly confused. “More panties already? I know you melt them, but you bought enough last time to last for a while.”

“These are them edible ones. An’ edible ones have gotta be better than tha ones that burn up on ya.”

“Edible ones? Where did you even hear about those, Yondu?”

“From a Terran shop!”

“Would this be the same shop that made you want to move to Terra?”

“Maybe...”

“Why would it make you want to move there?”

“Ya’d jus’ hafta see it.”

“I really don’t think -”

“C’mon, darlin, it’ll be fun! Let’s go now, an’ when we get back, we can test out them edible panties.”

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	5. Episode 5

A couple of days later, Yondu and Peter are eating lunch together in the mess hall. Peter is enjoying spending quality time with his dad, and he’s glad that the conversation, for once, is practically normal.

“We need ta fix tha’ squealin’ noise on yer ship, son. Ain’t good fer it ta be soundin’ like that.”

“Yeah, I was gonna ask you about that.”

“We’ll go look at it after lunch.”

“Sounds good.”

Peter should have known it wouldn’t last.

“Sure is expensive buyin’ panties all the time, ain’t it?”

Peter chokes on the bite of sandwich he’d just started to chew. “ _ What _ are you even  _ talking _ about?”

“Jus’ sayin’ buyin’ all those panties gets expensive. Ya ain’t noticed? Ya gettin’ ‘em on sale, or somethin’?”

“Why would I be buying panties?”

Yondu is surprised. “For Gamora.”

“I don’t even know what to say.”

“Ya mean ya don’t even replace yer girl’s panties after ya melt ‘em off her?”

“ _ What _ ?”

“Zoe says ever’time I walk inta tha room, her panties jus’ melt right off.”

“Dad! Come on!”

“Wha’? It’s jus’ natural.”

“No, it’s not! Panties don’t just melt.”

“Jus’ ask Zoe.”

“I am  _ not _ asking your girlfriend if her panties melt every time you walk in the room!”

Yondu is suddenly hit by the realization that this could be part of Peter’s Terran problems.

“Ya want me ta talk ta Gamora about this, son? Let ‘er know what yer goin’ through?”

“No! Do not ever mention this to Gamora.”

“I think she’d wanna help ya.”

Peter takes a deep breath, then releases it.

“You know what, go for it.”

“That’s tha spirit, son! I’ll go talk to ‘er now.”

“Yeah, sure you will.”

Yondu stands up and carries his dirty plate to the back of the galley, then waves as he walks out of the room.

Peter shakes his head and mumbles to himself, “Yeah,  _ sure.  _ Like Yondu would  _ really _ go ask Gamora about her panties melting.” He huffs a laugh, and takes another bite of his sandwich. He suddenly chokes as he remembers exactly who he’s dealing with, then jumps up and runs out of the mess hall.

Peter is running down the hall, mentally berating himself for letting Yondu get a head start. He slides into the wall as he takes a corner, but doesn’t stop. He’s terrified as he hears Yondu’s voice up ahead, coming from the weapons room.

He hurtles through the door, and yells, “Don’t do it, Yondu!” He’s struggling to breathe, bent over, hands on his knees. When he sees Gamora’s face, he knows he’s too late.

“’Mora,” he says, weakly.

Yondu looks at Peter and shakes his head. “I’ll jus’ leave y’all to it. Know this is personal. Y’all gotta lot ta discuss.”

He walks out of the room, patting Peter on the shoulder as he passes him.

Gamora is staring at Peter as though she’d like nothing more than to run him through with her sword.

“What was all that about?”

“What did he say?” He’s hoping that maybe Yondu  _ didn’t _ ask his girlfriend about his abilities.

“He asked me if you melted my panties. Why would he ask me that?”

“I don’t… I don’t know, it’s just something that Yondu swears happens… to Zoe… when he’s around.”

Gamora is looking at him like he’s crazy. “And he also asked if you seemed to have…  _ problems…  _ in the bedroom.”

“Oh, geez, I’m sorry, Gamora. You know Yondu, he’s… just concerned about me, that’s all.”

“Why would he be concerned about that?”

“He’s got this weird idea that Terrans have… problems with… you know.”

She raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t reply.

“By the way,  _ do  _ I make your panties melt?”

“No, Peter. I don’t even know what that means.”

Peter is disappointed, but tries not to let it show. “Oh, okay. That’s fine. No problem.”

He sulks about it so long that Gamora finally burns a pair of her panties and leaves them lying around for Peter to find. He’s ecstatic when he finds them. “I knew it!”

Later that day, he bumps into Yondu. “Dad, you were right! The panty melting thing is true!”

“Ya sayin’ ya melted ‘er panties, son? Good fer you! I’m proud of ya, boy!”

Peter is embarrassed, yet pleased, by Yondu’s reaction.

“Ya wanna go down ta Terra an’ buy ‘er some more later on today?”

“Yeah, sure, we could do that.”

“An’ I don’t want ya makin’ tha same mistakes I did, so make sure ya ask ‘er what size.”

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	6. Episode 6

Once Peter finds out Gamora’s size, Yondu takes him to the Victoria’s Secret where Yondu’s become somewhat of a regular. Zoe can’t always wear edible panties outside of their room, after all. As they’re walking back to the Benatar, Yondu is pursing his lips and rubbing the back of his neck. 

“You okay, Dad?”

“I’s jus’ still worried about ya, son. I like Gamora, and I know ya love her. I’d hate ta see things not work cause of yer Terran sex problem.”

Peter rubs a hand over his eyes. “DAD! I’m telling you, I  _ don’t _ have a problem with that! I mean, come ON. Her panties melted.”

Yondu doesn't look convinced. “I know they did, son, I’s mighty proud of ya fer that.” He shoots Peter a crooked grin. “Took a lotta effort fer ya ta melt her panties and I know ya don’t think ya gotta problem. Tha’ kinda thing can be hard ta admit. It don’t hurt ta have a back-up jus’ in case.”

“Yondu, for the last time...I. Don’t. Have. A. Problem.”

Yondu ignores him. He knows better, and they’re in sight of his favorite xxx shop. “C’mon son. Let’s see wha’ they got fer ya.”

Nothing Peter says will convince Yondu otherwise, so he finally relents just to get Yondu to drop the subject. 

When they walk into the xxx store the sales lady, the one with the mohawk which is green now, smiles brightly when she sees Yondu.

“Yondu! Back so soon?”

“Hey Ruby…”

Peter’s eyes widen more and more as he watches his Dad and Ruby banter back and forth like old friends. He’s just appalled and trying to keep his composure until he realizes they’re talking about him. 

“...got that Terran sex problem…”

“DAD!!!” He can feel himself flushing and lifts his hand to activate his face mask to cover his embarrassment.

Ruby smiles at Peter. “It’s okay, a lot of guys come in here to buy dildos or vibrators to use on their girlfriends when they can’t perform.”

“Oh my god.” Peter whispers and closes his eyes then drops his chin to his chest while he counts to ten. When he looks back up both Yondu and Ruby are looking at him expectantly. “For the last time, I  _ don’t _ have a performance problem.” 

“Son…”

Peter just holds his hand up palm out to tell Yondu to stop, then walks away to another part of the shop. Once he can’t see Yondu or Ruby anymore, he deactivates his mask.

He steers clear of where he sees the sign pointing to sex toys, and wanders down an aisle of lingerie. Which is where he discovers the edible panties. Peter picks up a few packages in Gamora’s size before his heart nearly drops to his feet when he remembers Gamora has a sword. 

“Yondu, is he alright? He’s awfully pale, he looks like he might pass out.”

Yondu studies Peter for a second and chuckles. “Awww, he’s fine. His girl is jus’ mean and green.”

There’s complete silence for a few seconds while Ruby processes that. “Is he dating the Hulk? I mean that’s cool and all, but if he is, that might explain the performance issues. He probably needs a bigger dildo.”

Peter closes his eyes and shakes his head. He’s met Bruce Banner. And the Hulk. “Her name is Gamora.”

“Oh! Okay, you should be fine with this one then.”

It’s at that point that Peter realizes Ruby is holding a hot pink dildo. Peter sighs and hands her the packages of edible panties. “Just...Just bag it all.” He prays that Yondu will leave it alone after this.

* * *

Zoe happens to be passing the M ship bay and sees Yondu and Peter walking down the ramp of the Benatar after returning from Terra. She catches sight of the bags from the xxx store in their hands and can feel her cheeks and ears flush red. Peter is almost an equal shade of red.

“Yondu Udonta, what  _ did _ you do?”

_ Will Zoe find out Yondu told Peter and Gamora about her melting panties?  _

_ Find out next week on… As the Ravager Turns _


	7. Episode 7

Zoe is standing at the bottom of the ramp, arms crossed, as she waits for Yondu and Peter to reach her.   
  
“Hey, darlin’!”   
  
“Hey, Yondu. Where have y’all been?”   
  
“We went down ta that Terran shop. Ya know, the one where we got those edible panties.”   
  
“Yondu!”   
  
“Wha’?”   
  
She sighs, and replies, “Nothing. Why did y’all go to that shop?”   
  
“Peter’s got that Terran sex problem thing, an’ I’s tryin’ ta help ‘im out.”   
  
“Yondu! For the last time, I do not have a problem!”   
  
“If ya say so, son. We’s workin’ on it, though. Made some improvements! I told him about how I melt yer panties, an’ - ”   
  
Both Peter and Zoe are mortified.   
  
“Dude!”   
  
“Yondu!”   
  
“Wha’?”   
  
“ _Why did you tell him that_ ?”   
  
“Didn’t know it was a secret – don’t ever’body have that problem?”   
  
“No.”   
  
He grins at her, and replies, “Did I melt ‘em off today?”   
  
“ _Dude_ !”   
  
“ _Yondu_ !”   
  
He chuckles and turns to Peter. “Show ‘er that pink cock ya bought today.”   
  
Peter’s face is red, and he closes his eyes. “You know what, I’m just going to walk away now.”   
  
“A’right, son, you an’ Gamora have fun!”   
  
Peter doesn’t reply, only makes a strangled sort of noise as he walks out of the door.   
  
“ _Yondu_ ,” Zoe hisses at him. “I cannot believe you mentioned that to him!”   
  
“’S’a’right. I told ya he melted Gamora’s, too, so it ain’t nothin’ ta be ashamed of.”   
  
She rubs her hands over her face in exasperation. 

“Ya okay, darlin’?”  
  
“I’m fine, Yondu, just embarrassed. You just don’t talk about that kind of stuff in front of other people.”   
  
“Don’t see why not...”   
  
She holds up a hand. “Please stop talking.”   
  
He’s still holding the shopping bags from the xxx store. “Ya wanna see what I bought?” He waggles his eyebrows at her, as she rolls her eyes.   
  
“Maybe later.” She turns around to leave, and Yondu calls after her.   
  
“Aw, darlin’, ya ain’t mad, are ya?”   
  
She keeps walking, replying without turning around, “It’s fine, Yondu. I’ll talk to you later.”   


* * *

  
  
Yondu decides to go to Terra to buy something to try to get Zoe to forgive him. His first thought is more edible panties, but then figures he should try something different.   
  
After arriving at his new favorite Terran mall, he walks around for a while before he finally sees a kiosk that attracts his attention. As he approaches it, the salesperson greets him.   
  
“Can I help you, sir?”   
  
“Yeah, tryin’ ta find somethin’ fer my girlfriend. Ya got anything nice she might like?”   
  
“Well, it depends on what she likes, I suppose. We have some lovely jewelry.”   
  
He picks up a small diamond ring and shows it to Yondu.   
  
“Huh. What else ya got?”   
  
After the salesperson has shown him almost every piece in the kiosk, he hesitates, then says, “Maybe you’d like to go into our actual store? We have more pieces there.”   
  
“Maybe… what’s that one there?” He points to a piece in the back of the display case.   
  
“Oh, that’s a diamond tongue ring. I must confess, it’s not our biggest seller.”   
  
“Tongue ring, huh? Lemme see it.”   
  
The salesperson hands it to Yondu, who grins. “I’ll take it.”   
  
“Oh, of course. Shall I gift wrap it for you?”   
  
“Yeah, that’ll be nice.”   
  
As the salesperson wraps the box, Yondu looks at the different signs hanging around the kiosk, all showing happy people showing off their jewelry. He grins to himself thinking about how much Zoe will love her gift.   
  
The salesperson hands the shopping bag to Yondu, wishes him a good day, and Yondu returns to the Eclector.   


* * *

  
  
He finds Zoe in their shared room, curled up in a chair, reading.   
  
“Hey, darlin’.”   
  
She glances up at him, then goes back to her book. “Hey, Yondu.”   
  
“Aw, now, ya ain’t still mad at me, are ya? I gotcha somethin’.”   
  
“Is it more panties?”   
  
“Nah, not this time.”   
  
She looks up again and sees him holding a shopping bag from a jewelry store. Intrigued, she sets her book aside, and asks him, “You bought jewelry?”   
  
He grins at her and hands her the bag. She returns his smile and opens the bag to find a small black box. Opening it, her brows constrict in confusion. “What… what is it?”   
  
“It’s a tongue ring! _Diamond_ !”   
  
“Yondu, my tongue’s not even pierced.”   
  
“We can get one a tha crew ta do it.”   
  
“No!”   
  
“Tha sign said diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”   
  
“Not when they’re in my _mouth_ !”   
  
“Ya don’t like it?”

She feels bad when she sees how crestfallen he looks, so she tries to let him down gently.  
  
“It’s really pretty, Yondu. I just can’t, you know, _wear_ it.”   
  
“Oh, yeah, course. I’ll jus’ take it back.”   
  
“I’m sorry.”   
  
“Don’t be.” He grins at her, and she gives him a half-smile in return. “Ya jus’ go back ta yer book. I’ll see ya later.”   
  


_Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns_


	8. Episode 8

Yondu heads back to the Terran mall and returns the tongue ring to the very confused salesperson. He continues browsing the mall, trying to find something he can give her to make up for telling Peter about melting her panties.    
  
He spots another kiosk, this time one that sells carved wooden cutouts. He’s fascinated as he watches the man behind the counter working on a new cutout. He picks one up, and says, “This is nice. How much?” After a bit of haggling, the man bags the cutout and hands it to Yondu. Once again, Yondu returns to the Eclector, gift in hand.   
  
As he looks for Zoe, he passes Peter.   
  
“Hey, Peter, ya seen Zoe?”   
  
“Yeah, she was in the mess hall. What’s that?”   
  
Yondu lifts the bag, and replies, “Gotta lil’ somethin’ fer Zoe, ta make up fer talkin’ ‘bout her melted panties. She was kinda upset ‘bout it.”   
  
“Geez, Dad, you can stop mentioning that every time we talk, you know. What did you get her?”   
  
Yondu hands the bag to Peter, who pulls out the wooden cutout.   
  
“Um, this is… something. Does Zoe even  _ like  _ football?”   
  
“Football? Wha’s that?”   
  
“And who are the  _ Gophers _ ?”   
  
“I dunno, thought it was a Terran thing. Jus’ liked the carvin’.”   
  
“Oh my God, Dad, you cannot give this Zoe and expect her to forgive you.”   
  
“Well, wha’ should I give ‘er then, son? Cause she didn’t like tha tongue ring I got her, either.”   
  
“You bought her a  _ tongue ring _ ? I think you should just stick to something simple. Get her some roses.”

“What the hell’s roses?”   
  
“Have you ever even  _ had  _ a live girlfriend other than Zoe?”   
  
“Nah. Never had time. Y’ain’t gotta worry ‘bout this stuff with a bot.”   
  
“Please don’t  _ ever  _ mention bots to Zoe, Dad. You’ll need more than roses if you bring those up.”   


* * *

  
  
Yondu and Peter arrive at the florist’s shop, and a bell tinkles merrily as they push open the door. Yondu looks around, his hands on his hips.   
  
“A whole shop full a plants. Y’all Terrans got shops fer ever’thing.”   
  
Peter ignores him as the florist steps out of the back.   
  
“Hi! How can I help you?”   
  
“We need to get some roses for his girlfriend.”   
  
“No problem! Is it a special occasion or just because?”   
  
“She’s a lil’ upset with me ‘cause I told -”   
  
“Because he told her he didn’t like her shirt,” Peter quickly interrupts.   
  
“Oh… okay… Well, I’m sure we can put together a lovely bouquet for her. Our roses are right behind you.”    
  
She starts to walk around the counter to join them. Yondu turns to look at the roses, and reaches out a hand to pick one up.    
  
“Dad, wait!”   
  
“Tha  _ hell? _ Them things attacked me!”    
  
“They didn’t attack -” Peter was cut off by a sharp whistle. “Dad,  _ no _ !”   
  
The florist runs back behind the counter and ducks down as Yondu’s arrow flies up toward the roses.    
  
“Sir! They’re just roses!”   
  
His arrow hovers next to the flowers, and he replies, “Well, these  _ roses  _ just bit me! I ain’t gonna stand here an’ let some critter attack me.”   
  
“Dad, they’re not animals, they’re plants.”   
  
“Ya got plants with teeth here?”

“Not teeth, thorns. Just… just put your arrow away.”   
  
He does so, and the florist hesitantly stands up and walks around the counter. “Um… I’ll just get these arranged for you. Do you have a color preference?”   
  
“I jus’ want some that ain’t gonna hurt ‘er.”   
  
“I can remove the thorns, if you like.”   
  
“Yeah, that sounds good.”   
  


* * *

  
As they arrive back on the Eclector, Peter walks off, mumbling about never going anywhere with Yondu ever again.   
  
Yondu finds Zoe in the corridor leading to their room.    
  
“Hey, Darlin’!”   
  
“Hey, Yondu. What’s that behind your back?”   
  
He presents the bouquet of pink, red, and white roses with a flourish, and she gasps.   
  
“Oh, they’re beautiful!”   
  
He hands them to her, and asks, “Ya like ‘em?”   
  
“I love them!”   
  
“Good! I had ‘em remove the teeth.”   
  
“The… teeth?”   
  
“Yeah. One bit me.”   
  
She looks warily at the bouquet, then asks, “Yondu, did these come from Terra?”   
  
“Sure did.”   
  
She breathes a sigh of relief. “Okay.”   
  
“Sorry ‘bout tellin’ Peter ‘bout yer meltin’ panties.”   
  
She flushes as the reminder of the embarrassment hits her again, but she can’t stay mad at him.   
  
“It’s okay. Just  _ please  _ try to keep that kind of stuff to yourself.”   
  
“I’ll try, darlin’,” he promises, as he steps closer to her. She closes the distance between them, wraps her free arm around his waist, and kisses him.   
  
He grins at her as the kiss ends. “I got somethin’ else fer ya, too.”    
  
“What is it?”   
  
“Let’s go to our room an’ break out tha edible panties, an’ I’ll show ya.”   
  
  
_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	9. Episode 9

_A few days later…_

Zoe is lying in bed next to Yondu, enjoying the post-orgasmic bliss of their earlier activities. She looks over at Yondu, who is studying an empty package of edible panties.

“This flavor was pretty good. Water....Melon?” He looks at Zoe in confusion. “Wha’s a Water Melon, Darlin’?”

She giggles and takes the package from him. “Watermelon, Yondu. And it’s a Terran fruit.”

He considers that for a minute. “Huh. We’re gonna hafta get some Water Melons sometime, Darlin’. Fergot ta tell ya, when I’s on Terra last time I passed a restaurant, looked mighty good.”

“I...I didn’t think you liked Terran food, Yondu. What was the name of it?”

Yondu shakes his head as Zoe cuddles into the crook of his arm to get comfortable. “Dunno, wasn’t really payin’ attention. Peter was yammerin’ at me over somethin’. Maybe we could go after this mission’s over?

Lifting her head, Zoe looks at Yondu with a raised eyebrow. “Like a real date, Yondu?”

He kisses her and grins. “Sure. Why not?”

The next time the Eclector visits Terra, Zoe gets all dressed up for her dinner date with Yondu. He flies his M ship into the ship parking field behind the mall, which just confuses Zoe. She’s kinda doubtful of where he’s taking her, but then again, she’s never really paid attention to the restaurants attached to the mall. At this point, the fact that he’s considering trying Terran food at all is making her happy.

He takes her hand as they walk into the mall, and she grows more concerned as they pass by the restaurants and the Food Court. Finally, he stops in front of Pets Unlimited. "Here we are!"

She stands there, in her blue sparkly dress and heels, hair done, makeup on, and little evening bag over her shoulder as she looks between the pet store and her very earnest boyfriend. “Yondu Udonta, this is not a restaurant. It’s a pet store. Pets are NOT food.”

Yondu stands in front of her with his hands on his hips. “Wha’dya mean they ain’t food?” He grabs her hand and practically drags her inside where he finds a pet store employee and points to a cage with a few kittens in it. “What kinda condiments do ya suggest fer this lil critter?”

The poor girl can’t be more than 18 or 19 years old, and Zoe can only imagine how she feels being confronted by a large blue Centaurian when she’s probably never seen an alien in person.

“D...Do you mean toys, sir?” The girl recovers and tries to lead Yondu to a wall of kitten toys.

“Nah, condiments. Ya know … like Saluviian slime or Krylorian pepper?”

Zoe shakes her head at the girl who has been rendered speechless by that point.

“I dunno why ya Terrans gather in that Food Court place. Ya gotta wait fer yer food. These kitten appetizers just crawl around the cage. All ya gotta do is reach in and grab the one that looks the most tasty.” He is saying this as he’s reaching into the cage with the kittens. When he grabs one the kitten starts mewing and he opens his mouth.

Zoe watches in mute horror as he raises the kitten halfway to his mouth before she suddenly realizes Yondu is not kidding. “STOP!” She grabs the kitten from his hand and puts it back in the cage, which she then latches and stands in front of.

“Wha’s wrong, Darlin’?” His eyes are wide and he’s looking between her, the kittens, and the pet store employees, who do not look happy.

“Yondu…” She drops her voice and he bends down to hear her. “Terrans keep cats as pets for companionship and affection. They aren’t food.”

He stands up and looks around with his hands on his hips again. Zoe watches as sudden realization seems to dawn on him. “So tha’s why Peter looked so odd that day on Terra. Thought he was jus’ jealous tha’ Taserface got ta the cat before ‘im.”

She considers buying the kitten for a minute before changing her mind and deciding it’s best not to tempt him. However, while they’re leaving the shop, she hears a muffled ‘meow’ and realizes Yondu stuffed one in his pocket. “Yondu...put it back!!!”

“Can’t blame me fer tryin’, Darlin’. They still look a might tastier than an Orloni.”

Zoe stops, wide-eyed and swallowing hard, as they’re walking out of the pet store and wonders what Orloni tastes like.

  
_Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns_


	10. Episode 10

There’s silence on the M-ship as Yondu and Zoe fly back to the Eclector.

Finally, Zoe breaks it. “I can’t _believe_ you were going to eat that kitten.” 

“Ain’t my fault. That TV thing said y’all eat them scratchy lil’ critters.”

“What TV thing, Yondu?” She’s beyond exasperated.

“Dunno. I only saw a few minutes of it. Think it was some kinda historical thing. Alf or somethin’.”

“ _Alf?_ You thought that was a documentary on the eating habits of Terrans?”

“How’s I s’posed ta know? An’ I know I heard ya say ya ate puppies before, so I dunno why cats is so different.”

“ _What?_ ”

“Yeah. Ya said ya like eatin’ puppies. Quiet puppies, or somethin’ like that.”

“Quiet… puppies?” She stares at him in confusion, until she finally realizes what he’s talking about.

“Oh, my God, _hush puppies_?”

“Yeah, that’s it.”

“They’re not actually made out of puppies, Yondu!” She can’t stop laughing, and Yondu looks over at her.

“Wha? What’s so funny?”

Trying to talk through her laughter, she replies, “You… you thought I… I ate… _puppies!_ ”

He shakes his head at her and chuckles as he watches her.

“Well, I did think it was kinda outta character fer ya.”

She laughs harder, and he smiles fondly as he watches her. Maybe he didn’t ruin their date, after all.

_Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns_


	11. Episode 11

The next morning, we find Yondu and Zoe eating breakfast with Peter, Gamora, and Kraglin. They’re talking companionably as they eat. Finally, Yondu kisses Zoe’s cheek.

"Duty calls, Darlin’.”

She turns her head and kisses his lips. “What are your plans for the day?”

“Goin’ down ta Xandar ta talk to a contact.”

“Okay, well, be careful.”

“I always am,” he says, winking at her. “C’mon, Kraglin, let’s go. Bye, Darlin’.”

“Bye, Alf.”

“Aw, that’s nice, Zoe, callin’ me by one a yer historical people’s names. Makes me proud ta be a part a yer Terran history.”

Zoe just rolls her eyes and continues eating.

“I think I gotta lot in common with ‘im. He seemed ta be a great leader, an’ _I’m_ a great leader.”

“I thought y’all had to go?”

“Oh yeah, yer right, Darlin’. C’mon, Kraglin, stop dawdlin’.”

After Yondu leaves, Peter asks, “Why does Dad think Alf is some kind of great Terran leader?”

“He saw five minutes of _Alf_ on TV one time and has it in his head that it was some kind of fancy Terran documentary. And since he wanted a kitten appetizer last night, I thought it was a fitting nickname.”

“Oh, god,” he whispers. “Did he… did he actually eat a kitten?” Peter suddenly has a flashback to a horrifying moment on Terra with Yondu and Taserface. He goes pale, and Gamora looks at him with concern.

“No, thank goodness, I stopped him in time.”

Peter is visibly relieved. “That’s… that’s good.”

“Are you okay?” asks Gamora.

“What? Oh. Oh, yeah, I’m fine.”

But he’s not fine.

After the unwelcome reminder of Yondu having a penchant for eating cats, Yondu can’t even smile at Peter without Peter wondering if he was ever serious about eating him when he was a kid. After a few days of this, he can’t take it anymore and corners Yondu after a mission.

“Hey, Dad, I gotta ask you something.”

“Sure, son, what’s on yer mind?”

“You know how you always threatened to eat me?”

Yondu laughs fondly. “Yep.”

“Were you ever serious about that?

Yondu looks at him and grins, and suddenly Peter isn’t sure he wants to know the answer.

  


_Was Yondu serious about eating Peter as a child?_

_Find out next time on… As the Ravager Turns._


	12. Episode 12

We return to Peter anxiously awaiting Yondu’s answer. Yondu is grinning and shaking his head as he lifts his hand to Peter’s shoulder. “Nah son, I weren’t serious ‘bout eatin’ ya. Just had ta say somethin’ so the old crew, ‘specially that jackass Taserface, wouldn’t realize ya were more’n jus’ crew. Didn’t want ‘em usin’ ya against me or hurtin’ ya thinkin’ it was gonna get ta me.”

Peter is a little shocked at Yondu’s reasoning for his words all those years ago and gets a little emotional. “That’s....that’s cool. Okay, Yondu.”

“Y’alright son?” Yondu studies Peter’s face. “Ya look a little green.”

Not wanting to admit that Yondu’s words actually touched him he shakes his head. “No, I’m fine. Just a little tired.”

“Yeah, that mission was a workout.” Yondu pats Peter’s shoulder. “Let Gamora use that pink cock tonight. Don’t wanna take the chance with yer Terran sex problem since yer tired and all.”

" _D_ _ad!_ ” Peter stands there looking at Yondu, who seems so sincere. Rather than say anything else he just makes a strangled noise in the back of his throat and walks away shaking his head.

A few weeks later on a break between missions, Peter takes Gamora, Yondu, and Zoe to Terra to visit his grandparents, Gregg and Janis Quill, in Missouri. It’s not the first time they’ve met Yondu, but he’s a lot to take when you aren’t used to him, so the Benatar is parked in the fallow field at the back of the house. Zoe and Yondu are bunking on the ship for this trip, which to Peter’s surprise, Yondu hasn’t complained about. 

Peter comes downstairs before dinner and walks into the living room where he hears the TV and his grandfather talking to Gamora.

“Hey Grandad, what are you…” Peter stops when he sees Alf come on the TV in front of him.

Gamora and Gregg watch while Peter turns green and runs past them out into the front yard.

Gregg looks over at Gamora with a surprised look on his face. “He okay, hon?”

She motions to the TV. “You said this was Alf?”

“Yeah.”

“Yondu apparently shares an affinity with Alf and likes kitten appetizers.” 

Gregg appears startled, then looks around suddenly when Gamora hears a distinct ‘meow’. He jumps up and picks up a faded orange cat that walks into the room, which he carries back toward the kitchen. While he’s gone, Peter shows up in the doorway and gives Gamora a pleading look.

“Can you change the channel, ‘Mora? Anything but Alf?”

She smiles and reaches for the remote, and changes the channel like Gregg showed her earlier. Tilting her head to the side, she furrows her brows while she tries to figure out what she has it on now. “This appears to be four old women. Is that okay?”

Peter shakes his head. “I don’t care, just as long as it’s not Alf.”

Just then, Gregg walks back into the room. “You alright, Pete?”

“Yeah, Grandad, just…”

Gregg looks between Peter and Gamora and waves his hand while he’s shaking his head at the same time. “I got it. No Alf.”

“Yeah?” 

The three of them turn to find Yondu and Zoe standing in the doorway.

“I thought you were Yondu?” Gregg narrows an eye and sits back down in his chair. 

Yondu looks at all of them, confusion evident on his face.

Zoe shakes her head and puts a hand to his chest. “Nevermind, Yondu.”

They can hear meowing and scratching coming from the kitchen and Yondu claps his hands and rubs them together. Peter’s grandparents really are hospitable, he’s thinking to himself. “Ya got one a’them kittentizers fer me? Tha’s a warm welcome, I knew I liked y’all.”

Janis is standing in the doorway with a stunned look on her face as she looks between Peter, her husband, and Yondu. “Dinner will be ready in 30 minutes.” 

Gregg watches Janis back out of the room then pulls Peter into the den for a minute. “Do me a favor, would you? Can you make sure Yondu understands cats are not food here? He’s going to give your poor grandmother a heart attack.”

“Don’t worry, Grandad. I’ll make sure he behaves.” Peter makes sure he sounds more confident than he actually feels.

  
When they walk back into the living room they find Yondu and Zoe facing each other. Zoe looks exasperated with him. “I told you, Yondu Udonta. We. Do. Not. Eat. Cats. On. Terra.”

Yondu is waving in the general direction of the front door. “Why’d I see all kinds of stuff here on Terra ‘bout eatin’ pussies then? Ain’t that what ya call them things? Pussy cats?”

Zoe’s mouth drops open in complete shock. “Yondu Udonta, do not say another word. I swear to you. I know how to use Gamora’s sword and she will let me use it.”

“Darlin’...”

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	13. Episode 13

Peter and Zoe are absolutely mortified until they both realize that’s a Terran term. They’re still mortified, but realize Yondu probably has no idea exactly what he’s implying.

Zoe crosses her arms over her chest and glares at Yondu. “WHERE exactly did you see that on Terra, Yondu?”

He just shrugs. “Tha’ place I got them panties. Ya know. The edible ones. Peter was with me.” 

She just wants to melt through the floor at that point.

Yondu starts waving toward Peter and looks at Gamora. “Peter said he melts yer panties, too.”

Gamora raises an eyebrow.

Peter face palms. “Thanks Dad. Way to get me in trouble. I can do that all by myself.”

“Don’t she like that pink co…”

“DAD!!!” Peter is looking frantically at Yondu. “ _Please_ don’t say anything else.”

At that point Gamora glares at Peter.

Everybody is uncomfortable. Except Yondu.

He looks around at everyone in the room who are all either red-faced, looking at the floor, shuffling their feet, or shooting eye daggers at Yondu. “Wha? Wha’s wrong?”

They hear someone clearing their throat and look up to find Janis back in the doorway. “Is everyone ready for dinner?”

Yondu walks right into the dining room without a care in the world while the rest of them share a look and follow behind. All Peter and Zoe can do is pray that Yondu doesn’t make it worse. It’s wishful thinking.

He sits down at the table and starts picking up the different forks. “Wha’s all these fer?”

Zoe sits down next to him and starts pointing. “That’s your salad fork, the longer one is your dinner fork, and that’s your dessert fork.”

“Wha’?” He’s spiralling into a tizzy at the dinner table. “Why would ya need so many forks?? That’s just more ta wash.”

“Yondu, it’s fine. Just use whatever fork you want.”

He’s not even paying any attention to her at that point. “No cats, too many forks..." 

Zoe kicks him under the table while he’s muttering to himself.

Yondu looks at her sharply and rubs his shin as he continues examining everything. “Will ya look at this glass? Fancy."

"Yondu! Put that _down_."

Gregg looks at them all and shakes his head. This, in his old age, is his family, he thinks. Meredith would have been quite happy. “Let’s just say grace alright?”

Yondu looks around. “Wha’s grace?”

“Never mind. Let’s just eat.”

_Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns_


	14. Episode 14

The next afternoon, Yondu wanders into the kitchen and finds Janis peeling apples.

“Sorry, I’s jus’ lookin’ fer Zoe. Ya seen ‘er?”

“I think she’s out back with Gamora.’

“Thanks. What’s that?” 

“What’s _what_?”

“That red thing yer cuttin’ up.”

“Oh… it’s an apple.”

“It fer eatin’?”

This is the first time Janis has been alone with Yondu, and she’s a bit nervous. She knows Peter said he could be trusted, but she can’t forget that he _did_ kidnap her grandson.

“Yes, they’re for eating. I’m going to make an apple pie once I get them peeled.”

“Ya need some help?”

“No, I can handle it.”

“Ya mind if I watch?”

She hesitates, but replies, “Yes, I guess that’s okay.”

There is silence as she finishes peeling the apples. After that, Yondu questions everything she does.

“What’s that fer?” and “Why’d ya do that?”

Janis patiently answers his questions, and starts to relax a little more.

“Would you mind rolling out the dough?”

“Wha’? Oh, yeah. ‘Course.”

She shows him how, and he starts working with it.

After a few minutes, he clears his throat, and says, “I’m sorry, ya know. Fer takin’ Peter away from y’all.”

Janis stops what she’s doing and turns to stare at him.

“It ain’t a good reason, I know that, but I didn’t really know how else ta keep ‘im away from Ego.” He still hasn’t looked up from the dough, and continues, “If I hadn’t picked ‘im up, somebody else woulda, an’ they mighta delivered ‘im to Ego.”

He finally meets her eyes. “I shoulda brought ‘im back sometime, though. At least let y’all know he was okay.”

Janis is wringing a hand towel in her hands as she listens to him.

“I ain’t done nothin’ right, I reckon.” He huffs a sad laugh. “Jus’ wanted ya ta know I’s sorry.”

He’s surprised when she throws her arms around his waist and gives him a quick hug. He pats her awkwardly on the back before she pulls away, wiping her eyes.

“I’m sorry. I just… we missed him so much, and didn’t know where in the world he was. He wasn’t even in this world, though, was he?” She laughs sadly, and continues, “We’d given up hope of ever seeing him again. Losing him and Meredith on the same day… it was… _hard_. So when he showed up here again… it was the first time I’d been genuinely happy since he disappeared.”

Yondu nods, and looks back at the dough, as Janis continues talking.

“And I still don’t understand everything that happened, but I do know you managed to raise a good man. Peter may be a little rough around the edges, but he _is_ a good man, and part of that is thanks to you. You should be proud of that.”

Yondu looks up at her, completely baffled. This is not what he expected her to say at _all_.

“Yeah, I reckon I am proud of it, proud of _him_. He’s always been a good kid. I tried ta keep ‘im safe tha best I could. Had ta be a lil’ harder than I wanted to be. Couldn’t let my old crew know I cared fer ‘im. But he did turn out okay, didn’t he?”

Janis grasps his hand, and replies, “He sure did.”

* * *

Later, when they’re on the M-ship heading back to the Eclector, Peter finds Yondu in his Captain’s chair, eating a slice of apple pie.

“Can I talk to you for a minute, Dad?”

“Sure, son. Have a seat.” He motions to the chair next to him with his fork.

“So, um, I heard you talking to Grandma earlier, in the kitchen.”

“What have I told ya ‘bout bein’ nosy, boy?”

“I wasn’t being nosy! I was going to the kitchen to get something to drink. I can’t help it that I could hear everything from the hall!”

“Well, what about it?”

“Was what you said true? About you being proud of me?”

“Reckon so, I ain’t gonna lie ta yer Grandma. She’s a good woman.”

“Yeah, she is.” He sits, lost in thought, for a moment, then says, “I can’t believe all those years I thought you hated me, and the whole time you actually cared.”

Peter sniffs, and Yondu looks at him sharply. “Now don’t go gettin’ all sentimental on me, boy! I ain’t in tha mood ta see ya cryin’ over there.”

“I’m not crying! I think I’m just getting a cold.”

“Huh, well ya better go ta tha infirmary when we get back ta tha Eclector. Don’t want ya gettin’ sick, spreadin’ yer germs all over the place.”

Peter sighs, and stands up to leave. As he passes Yondu, he pats the blue Centaurian on the shoulder. “Love you, you old doofus.”

After he walks out of the room, he just barely hears, “Love ya, too, son.” Grinning, he goes to find Gamora.

_Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns_


	15. Episode 15

Several days after returning from the visit with Peter’s grandparents, Yondu is in the M ship bay. Kraglin is up in one of the ship's exhausts inspecting some welds while he listens to Yondu talking about some dinner fiasco. Something Yondu says catches Kraglin’s attention, and he ducks down to look at his Captain.

“Wait...ya said what?”

“I asked 'em why they advertise ‘bout eatin’ pussies if it ain’t okay.” Yondu stops and looks at Kraglin funny. “Why ya turnin’ blue, son?”

Kraglin is baffled Yondu doesn’t know what that means until he remembers that Zoe is literally the only non-bot female Yondu has been with in the more than 30 years Kraglin’s known him. He knows what it means because Tullk told him before he got himself involved with his first live woman. “Uh Cap’n…I mean, Dad. Eatin’ pussies ain't referrin’ ta eatin’ actual cats.”

“Wha’dya mean?” Yondu appears genuinely confused.

How is he supposed to explain this? Yondu’s entire sex talk when Kraglin was old enough consisted of _Ya only pay fer sex bots, son._ He reaches up and scratches the back of his neck. “Well, pussy is another word fer a woman’s fun parts on Terra.”

Yondu appears intrigued. “Wha’? Really?” 

Kraglin just shrugs.

“I jus’ don’t see what the problem is. Why’d they all get upset?”

All Kraglin can do is stand there open-mouthed trying to figure out what to say to that. “Maybe it’s that Terran sex problem thing ya said Peter’s got?” Way to go, Krags, blame it on Peter, he thinks.

“Huh…thanks son.” Yondu considers this new information and rubs his fingers over his chin scruff. “Tha’ makes Zoe a kittentizer.” He chuckles and motions to his M ship. “Gonna make a quick trip ta Terra. Got somethin’ ta get.”

“Yeah, okay Cap’n.” 

* * *

That evening Yondu walks into the quarters he shares with Zoe carrying a shopping bag. She rolls her eyes and shakes her head because she recognizes the store the bag came from but she decides to indulge him. “What have you got there, Yondu?”

He grins at her, showing all of his teeth, then hands her the bag. “Got’cha some special panties ta say I’s sorry fer tha whole eatin’ pussies thing at Peter’s grandparents house.”

“Yondu, the panties are going to need their own room if you keep buying them.” She laughs and takes the bag. When she starts pulling them out she realizes they all have some kind of cat theme. There’s Hello Kitty, Grumpy Cat, some siamese cartoon cat, cat outlines, and more. Zoe raises an eyebrow and looks at him. “Is there some reason they all have some kind of cat on them?”

He picks up a pair that say ‘Meow’ all over them and hands them to her. “Why don’t ya put them on? I’ll have me a little kittentizer snack b’fore we go talk ta ever’body ‘bout tha next mission.”

Zoe wastes no time in changing and Yondu doesn’t waste any time in melting the panties off of her.

_Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns_


	16. Episode 16

Several weeks later Yondu is in the galley having lunch with Zoe. Peter, Gamora, and Kraglin have joined them at some point. Zoe is telling them how they were banned from the pet store in her favorite mall on Terra the day before. Apparently the pet store had just gotten several litters of kittens so the cage was full and Yondu thought it was a buffet.

Zoe is incredulous as she tells the rest of them what happened. “He walked in there, sees the cage full of kittens and his exact words were  _ Hmmmmmmm...Is it a buffet? All you can eat. Grab a basket Darlin’, I’m gettin’ as many as I can carry. _ ” Her impression of Yondu is surprisingly good. “Then he gets one of the baskets from the front of the store, opens the cage, and starts loading the basket up with kittens.” She’s waving her hands around as she speaks and her face is slightly red. “I’ve never been so mortified in my life…” Peter looks at her funny and she shakes her head. “...okay, maybe that’s an exaggeration but this was a close second.” She turns on Yondu and points at him. “You are not allowed off this ship unsupervised any more, Yondu Udonta.”

He raises an eyebrow and looks at her. The look on her face gives him pause and he motions toward Peter.

“No, Peter does  _ not _ count as a chaperone.” 

The look of relief on Peter’s face is priceless.

Yondu changes tactics and gestures to Kraglin while he tries to say something.

“No! Kraglin cannot supervise the two of you!”

Kraglin swallows the mouthful of soup he was eating and whispers, “Thank you!”

The look on Yondu’s face is a mix of frustration and obvious desire to keep his girlfriend from blowing a gasket. But he can’t help himself. “Damnit, Darlin’, where am I s’posed ta get yer edible panties now?”

Zoe turns so quickly to look at him that she makes the bench they’re sitting on jump. “That’s all you’re worried about?!”

Yondu is seriously considering his dilemma now and rubbing his fingers over his chin scruff. “Ya think I can ask one a the others ta go get ‘em. Rocket or Drax, maybe?”

“Don’t you dare!”

He shrugs his shoulders. “What if I asked Nebula?”

Kraglin chokes on his soup and Peter starts pounding him on the back. Gamora raises an eyebrow and looks at Yondu like he’s completely lost his mind. 

“Ask Nebula, and she’ll murder you in your sleep.”

“She can jus’ go ta Terra with me then.”

Zoe is shaking her head, but then she stops and smiles when she sees Nebula walking toward their table. “On second thought, ask her. I would love to see her reaction.”

When Nebula sits down on the other side of Gamora with a bowl of Kraglin’s soup, Yondu smiles at her which just makes her narrow her eyes at him. “Nebula!”

“What do you want, old man?”

Kraglin and Peter exchange a look, and fear for their Dad’s life.

Yondu seems unperturbed by the entire situation. “Can ya go ta Terra and get some edible panties?”

Nebula pauses with her spoon halfway to her mouth and sets it back down. “Why do you want to eat your underwear?”

He starts to explain. “Nah, not my underwears. They’s panties fer Zoe.” Yondu pauses and gestures to Kraglin. “Don’t Kraglin eat yer panties?” He’s looking between Kraglin and Nebula. “C’mon son, ya mean ya ain’t shown ‘er what a kittentizer is?”

Kraglin chokes again and is shaking his head furiously at Nebula as she shoots him a look that would kill a non-Ravager.

Zoe drops her face into her hands and realizes she has to accept the fact that this is what she’ll have to put up with if she wants to be with Yondu. Then she remembers how good he is with the edible panties and what he now likes to call ‘kittentizers’ and lifts her head suddenly to look at him. “You know what, let’s just go buy some now, forget a chaperone.” She grabs Yondu by the arm and pulls him away from the rest of them. 

Meanwhile, poor Kraglin, who has literally not said or done anything wrong is trying to explain that to Nebula, who still has the same look on her face. Peter and Gamora have abandoned him and he is sure it means he is in imminent danger of death.

Finally she looks back to her soup and takes a bite while she considers something. When she looks back at Kraglin, though, he’s not sure what to think. “What is a kittentizer?”

_ Will Kraglin explain? _

_ Find out next week on… As the Ravager Turns _


	17. Episode 17

“What is a kittentizer?” Nebula asks Kraglin.

Kraglin faints on the spot. When he wakes up, he’s lying on a stretcher in the infirmary.

“What happened, Neb?”

“You became unconscious after I asked what a ‘kittentizer’ was, so I brought you here. I was concerned you may have been suffering from a terminal event.”

Kraglin scrubbed his face with his hands. “Perty sure I almost did, Neb.”

Nebula gives him another look, and Kraglin is at a loss.

“Should I jus’ buy ya some edible panties?”

“Why would I want to eat my panties?”

Kraglin decides it’s best to give up. “Ya wanna go do some fight trainin’?”

“I would like you to answer my question.”

Kraglin wonders how he can explain without being murdered. Finally, he sighs and braces himself.

“Ya don’t eat yer own panties, Neb. I eat ‘em off ya.”

“I still don’t understand.”

Kraglin sighs and closes his eyes for a moment. He knows he will have to go into very specific detail to explain it to her, and he isn’t sure he’s up for it.

“Why don’t I jus’ show ya?”

She stares at him for several, agonizing, moments, and he’s afraid she’s plotting his death. She opens her mouth to reply, but is interrupted by Yondu and Zoe walking into the infirmary. Zoe is still carrying several bags from the xxx store.

“Wha’ happened, son? Gotta call that Nebula brought ya ta tha infirmary with a head injury.”

Nebula answered for him, “I asked what a ‘kittentizer’ was, and he passed out.”

Kraglin lies back on the stretcher, closing his eyes and praying for death.

Meanwhile, Yondu happily explains to Nebula  _ exactly _ what a “kittentizer” is, while Zoe shrinks into the corner, as he goes into great detail. He has no clue it is the most inappropriate conversation to be having at this time. Unaware of the extreme discomfort of everyone else in the room, Yondu finishes his explanation with a grin.

Nebula looks between Yondu and Kraglin, her face completely devoid of any expression, and Kraglin waits for death. Finally, she speaks.

“I would like to try this.”

Yondu’s grin grows wider, and he grabs one of the bags Zoe is holding. “Here, we got plenty a pairs.”

Kraglin is mortified, but doesn’t argue when Nebula drags him to her room.

Zoe is giving Yondu  _ the look _ , and, as usual, Yondu doesn’t understand why.

“Wha’ is it, Darlin’? Ya mad I gave ‘em some a yer new panties?”

“No, Yondu, I don’t care about that.”

“Then what is it?”

“You just shouldn’t be allowed to speak. Ever.”

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	18. Episode 18

A week later, Kraglin catches up to Yondu in the hallway leading from control to the M-ship bay. “Cap’n.”

Kraglin is just walking along beside him with his hands behind his back not saying a word and Yondu finally stops. Turning to Kraglin he puts his hands on his hips and looks at him. “Wha’s on yer mind, son?”

“Uh...well. I was wonderin’ when ya were goin’ ta Terra again?”

Yondu grins. “Somethin’ ya need?”

Knowing he’s blue to the tips of his ears he’s not sure what to say, when suddenly Nebula walks up. She narrows her eyes at Kraglin, then glances at Yondu. “What are the two of you up to?”

Reaching a hand to his neck, he shakes his head. “I was askin’ Cap’n when he’s goin’ ta Terra again.”

Nebula studies him closely and tilts her head before she looks over at Yondu. “Yes, we would like you to take us to the shop where you purchase the underwear meant for eating.”

“Aw Neb…”

“Well, c’mon y’all two, we can go now!”

Peter is in the M-ship bay working on the Benatar when they walk in. He looks up at the three of them and gets a little concerned when he sees Yondu’s toothy smile, Kraglin’s blue ears, and Nebula’s supervillain look. “Hey guys, what are you up to?”

“Goin’ ta Terra. Come on, son.” Yondu waits for him at the bottom of the ramp to his M-ship.

“Yeah okay.” Figuring someone needs to keep the three of them from causing problems he gets up and goes along with them.

When they get to Terra, Yondu lands his M ship in a field not far from the xxx store. They walk in and Nebula looks around with her usual stoic expression in place. Kraglin hopes no one says anything to set her off, Terra might be the only planet where she isn’t known as a sadistic murderer. He’d like to keep it that way.

“Yondu! Peter!” Ruby comes to greet them when they all walk through the front of the store. She smiles at Peter. “Did Gamora like that dildo?”

“Come on!” Peter just shakes his head as he activates his mask and walks back to the front of the store.

“Hey, Ruby. This here’s my other boy, Kraglin, and his girl, Nebula. They need some edible panties.”

Kraglin is now mortified as he watches this strange Terran, that seems to know Yondu awfully well, walk off with his own girlfriend to show her edible panties. He walks over to Peter who deactivates his mask. “How often does Cap’n come here?”

Peter rolls his eyes and waves his hand over to Ruby and Yondu who are talking like old friends. “Too much.”

Nebula finally walks over with a stack of packages which she hands to Ruby. “I will take these.”

It’s a quick trip since Nebula is very direct about her shopping unless it involves weapons. When they get back to the Eclector, rather than go back to work on the Benatar, Peter goes in search of Gamora. He hid the edible panties he bought for her the last time he went with Yondu. As much as he wanted to give them to her, he couldn’t think of a way to bring it up that wouldn’t potentially get him stabbed.

After searching control, the galley, and the weapons room he finally goes to their quarters where he finds her picking up the mess he left behind on his way out that morning. “‘Mora...”

“Peter Quill, I swear I’m going to put your t-shirts and socks in the incinerator if you can’t manage to put them in the cleaning processor on your own!”

“Sorry…” He takes the shirts she’s picking up out of her hands and puts them in the pile on his side of their bed hoping she hasn’t noticed it yet. “Listen, I just got back from Terra with Yondu, Kraglin, and Nebula. Yondu’s even got them hooked on these edible panties.”

She rolls her eyes and tries to get to the pile he’s standing in front of. When she can’t get around him, she puts her hands on her hips and taps her foot while glaring at him. “ _ What _ are you getting at Peter?”

He reaches out and grabs her hand to pull her into him. “Come on ‘Mora. Can’t we try it? Just once?”

Gamora rolls her eyes and puts her arms around his neck. “Fine, Peter. But…” She points at the pile behind him. “Put it in the cleaning processor. Now!”

* * *

A few weeks later, Peter walks into the galley to grab some breakfast and finds Yondu and Kraglin sitting at a table by themselves. Thinking it’s the perfect time to bring up a trip to Terra he gets his bowl of oatmeal and walks over to join them. “Hey Dad, Krags. Did the Broker send us the information for the next mission?”

“Yeah, son, gave it ta the rat.”

Peter nods and puts a spoonful of his oatmeal in his mouth while he thinks about how to bring up Terra.

“Goin’ back ta see Ruby after breakfast. Ya wanna come with us?”

This really is his lucky day, he thinks to himself and sits up proudly. “Yeah. Gamora’s really into the edible panties so I need to get some more.” 

Yondu’s grinning ear to ear and looking between his boys when Gamora walks up and sits down next to Peter. She crinkles up her nose and looks between the three men. “I’m afraid to ask what you three are up to.”

“Gonna go ta Terra after breakfast so’s Peter can get some more edible panties fer ya.”

She looks sharply at Peter who is vehemently shaking his head. “What does he mean more?”

Yondu stands up and slaps Peter on the back so hard he chokes down the oatmeal in his mouth. “I’ll see y’all boys in the M-ship bay.”

“More, Peter?”

“It’s Yondu. Who knows what he’s talking about.”

When Gamora narrows her eyes on Kraglin his eyes widen and he shakes his head.

Somehow Peter manages to skate out of the galley without Gamora asking again.

After they fly down to Terra and make their stop at the xxx store, Yondu takes Peter and Kraglin to the mall. 

“Come on, boys, I wanna show ya the buffet they got in here.”

Peter feels himself turning green as they approach the pet store. “Yondu...no…”

“See? I told ya boys. They keep their buffet in a cage so them critters can’t run from ya when yer feelin’ like a snack.” Yondu is standing just outside the store with his hands clasped behind his back. “I can’t go inta this one. Damn Terrans banned me, said it ain’t an all ya can eat buffet.”

Kraglin bends down to look at a few of the kittens and every one in the cage runs to the platform near him and meows at once.

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	19. Episode 19

Zoe has recently started thinking about introducing Yondu to her parents, but is afraid that’s never going to be a good idea, unless Yondu happens to lose his voice. Trying to come up with a plan that would actually work, she tells him the only way he can ever have kittentizers again will be if he can behave himself in front of her parents. She has her doubts, but Yondu promises her that he’ll be on his best behavior. She’s still hesitant, though, and figures the best chance they have is if he meets her parents somewhere where long conversations will be impossible – such as the grocery store. She knows it’s an unusual choice, but these are unusual circumstances, and she can’t risk them meeting somewhere where there will too much time for talking, and therefore too many opportunities for Yondu to say something embarrassing.

The day finally arrives, and Zoe is, understandably, nervous. She and Yondu land on Terra in the field near the grocery store, and walk hand in hand to the store.

“Yondu,  _ please _ promise you’ll behave. Don’t say a word about edible panties or kittentizers.”

“I ain’t gonna say nothin’ ‘bout ‘em, Darlin’, I promise.” He gives her a crooked grin, and she returns it, trying to relax. “’Sides, I got a good incentive. If I’m good, we get ta go back an’ have kittentizers.”

Zoe closes her eyes for a brief moment as she inhales and slowly exhales again. They’ve reached the entrance to the grocery store, and she knows there’s no point in giving him any additional advice. They walk down an aisle, and she sees her parents looking at a display of bread. Her mother turns and sees her, and Zoe knows it’s too late to turn back now.

She smiles at her parents, squeezes Yondu’s hand, and whispers, “Yondu, I am  _ begging _ you.”

“Don’t worry, Darlin’.”

They reach her parents, and Zoe gives them each a hug, then reaches back for Yondu’s hand again.

“Mom, Dad, this is my boyfriend, Yondu.”

“Hey there, nice ta meet y’all.”

Zoe’s father shakes Yondu’s hand, as her mother says, “We’re so happy to finally meet you! We didn’t think Zoe was  _ ever _ going to let us meet you.”

Zoe speaks up, “Well, you know, traveling the galaxy makes it kind of hard to stop in on Terra much.” She fails to mention that Yondu makes frequent visits to Terra to shop. “Isn’t that right, Yondu?”

“Wha’? Oh, yeah, right, galaxy travelin’… will ya look at this, Darlin?” His attention has been caught by a display of bananas. “They got cock-shaped fruit!”

“ _ Yondu _ ,” she hisses.

“Wha’? I didn’t say nothin’ ‘bout tha edible panties or kittentizers.”

Her parents are staring, aghast, as Zoe tells him, “You just did. We’ll see you later, Mom and Dad! I’m sorry we can’t stay longer.”

She’s already dragging him away as she says this, and as she turns away, she hears her mother ask her father, “Did he say  _ kittentizers _ ? What’s a  _ kittentizer _ ?”

Yondu, who has no idea that anything bad has happened, is smiling happily. “I think that went well, Darlin’.”

“Are you kidding, Yondu?”

“Nah, I thought ever’thing went real smooth. Why’re ya mad?”

“Yondu, you do not talk to your girlfriend’s parents about kittentizers, edible panties, or  _ anything cock-shaped _ .”

“Why not? Thought ever’body talked ‘bout that kinda stuff.”

“Imagine if we had a daughter and her boyfriend came over to meet us, and he,  _ almost immediately,  _ started talking about kittentizers, edible panties, and cock-shaped fruit.”

Yondu stops walking and stares at her for a second, before replying, “I’d kill ‘im.”

“Exactly!”

“Sorry, Darlin’. I promise I’ll be on my best behavior next time.”

She doesn’t say it, but wonders if there will ever be a  _ next time _ .

As they’re nearing the exit, they pass a basket of eggplants.

“Why’s all y’all’s food on Terra shaped like cocks, though?”

“Yondu, please!”

“Are they dildo substitutes?”

Before Zoe can reply, they hear a gasp behind them, and turn to see an elderly woman standing there, holding an eggplant. She stares at them, absolutely appalled. She suddenly loses her grip on the eggplant, and she juggles it for a moment, before it flies up into the air, then lands with a thud on the floor. They all look at it in silence for a few seconds, before Zoe starts to profusely apologize to the woman. As she apologizes, Yondu picks up the eggplant, examines it for a moment, then slips it into his pocket. Zoe, who was too preoccupied with the little old lady to pay any attention to Yondu, thought he’d placed it back in the basket.

When they return to the Eclector an hour later, Zoe is still upset.

“You can’t just say things like that in public, Yondu! You almost caused that poor old woman to have a stroke.”

“It ain’t my fault, jus’ lookit tha thing an’ tell me it don’t look like a cock.”

Peter, who has just walked into the room, is utterly confused.

“What in the galaxy are you talking about?”

Yondu pulls the eggplant out of his pocket and starts waving it around.

“This! Don’t it look like a cock, son?”

“Oh my god, Dad! Please stop.”

Zoe turns and leaves the room without another word, leaving father and son to argue about the eggplant.

  
  


_ Meanwhile on Terra… _

The elderly lady from the grocery store was traumatized by the whole experience. She swears she will never eat another eggplant, and just the mention of one brings back memories of big blue aliens, which causes her to break down every single time. Her family is concerned.

“But, Granny, eggplants are your favorite!” insists her grandson.

“Not anymore! And don’t ever say that disgusting word in this house again!”

Her family is convinced that she is losing it.

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	20. Episode 20

“Hey, Kraglin, you want to go down to Terra with me?” asks Peter.

“Yeah, sure. Ya gotta mission there?”

“Nah, I need to go get a gift for Gamora… she’s still mad at me.”

“I need ta go back ta Terra, anyway.”

“Why?”

“Wanted ta check out that pet store again.”

“ _ Why _ ?”

“Uh, no reason. Jus’ wanted ta go in an’ look. We weren’t allowed inside last time, Dad bein’ banned an’ all.”

“Oh, yeah, well I guess we can go in and look around.”

* * *

After purchasing a gift for Gamora, Peter and Kraglin head to the pet store in the mall. Walking inside, Kraglin makes a beeline to the kitten cage.

Peter walks around, looking at the other animals, while Kraglin bends down to get a closer look at the kittens.

“Would you like to hold one?”

Startled, Kraglin straightens up and sees one of the employees smiling at him.

“I can hold ‘em?”

“Of course! Which one would you like to hold?”

He looks back inside the cage, but can’t make up his mind. One of the kittens puts its paws on the glass next to Kraglin, and meows up at him.

“How ‘bout that one?”

“Good choice! He’s a sweetheart.”

She picks up the kitten and hands it to him. He feels awkward at first because he isn’t sure how to hold it, but the kitten curls right up and starts purring. Smiling, he begins to pet the kitten’s head.

“Are you interested in buying one?”

“Ya can buy ‘em?”

“Of course!”

Kraglin is deep in thought when Peter walks up.

“Cute cat. You about ready to go?”

“Um, I think I’m gonna buy a kitten.”

“What? Why?”

“Well, lookit how cute it is! He’s so happy. I can’t put ‘im back in tha cage. He’d think I’s abandonin’ ‘im.”

“You wouldn’t be abandoning him, Krags. You’ve only picked him up one time. It’s not like its had time to get attached to you.”

The kitten hisses at Peter.

“Look, ya done offended ‘im. That’s it, I’m gettin’ ‘im.”

“Fine. I’ll just wait outside for you.” Peter walks to the exit, after giving the kitten a stern look.

* * *

Ten minutes later, Kraglin joins Peter outside, carrying a large box, along with several bags.

“Whoa, that’s a lot of stuff for one kitten.”

“I, um, got more’n one kitten.”

“You got two?”

“No.”

“How many  _ did _ you get?”

“All of ‘em.”

“ _ What _ ?”

“I couldn’t leave ‘em, Pete! Ya shoulda seen their sad lil’ eyes!”

“Let’s just get back to the ship.” Peter sighs, as they start walking back to the Benatar. “What if Dad thinks you’re buying him a buffet?”

“I’m more worried ‘bout how Neb’s gonna react.”

* * *

_ Later, on the Eclector… _

“Why do you have all these rodents?”

“They ain’t rodents, Neb. They’re kittens. Pets.”

Nebula doesn’t understand the concept of pets. “You use them for target practice?”

“No! Please, don’t hurt ‘em, Neb.”

“Are you fond of these rodents?”

“Kittens, Neb. An’ yeah, I am.”

“Fine. I will not hurt them.”

“Thanks, Neb.”

One of the kittens escapes from Kraglin’s grasp and hops onto Nebula’s shoulder. It starts to purr close to her ear, and the look on her face worries Kraglin.

“The sound it makes is pleasing.”

“It’s purrin’. Means it likes ya. See, Neb, I told ya they was cute.”

“They are not cute. I just like the purring sounds they make.”

She absently scratches the kitten under its chin.

Kraglin, feeling decidedly self-conscious, asks, “Um, Neb… do ya think  _ I’m _ cute?”

He regrets asking at once after she shoots him a look.

“I don’t think anything is cute.”

“Oh, yeah, ‘course.” Kraglin clears his throat and picks up another kitten.

“Can you purr?”

“Wha’?”

“Can you purr?”

“Oh, um, I dunno.” He clears his throat and tries –  _ really tries –  _ to purr.

“I am fond of you.” She passes the kitten to him, and walks out of the room.

Kraglin counts that as a win.

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	21. Episode 21

Yondu catches Kraglin practicing his purring one day while he’s doing some routine maintenance on the Eclector’s engine. 

“Ya gettin’ sick, son?”

Kraglin doesn’t want to say a word because he remembers the last time Yondu got him in trouble with Nebula. He learned his lesson then. “Yeah. Yeah, think I’m gettin’ sick. Better go ta the infirmary.” 

The Centaurian watches, with narrowed red eyes, as Kraglin runs past him before he can say anything else. Shaking his head, he goes to check on the maintenance reports Kraglin left behind. “I swear, I dunno how I survived those two boys.”

A few hours later, Nebula finds Kraglin in the infirmary when she’s walking by. She moves to stand next to the stretcher where he’s lying with his eyes closed and looks him over. Not finding anything wrong, she becomes concerned. “Are you having another event?”

He lifts his head to look at her. “I’m fine, Neb. Just a little stressed.” 

She gets a look he hasn’t seen before. “You must take care of yourself. I am very fond of you and do not wish to find a replacement.” 

Inside, Kraglin is jumping for joy. It’s the second time she’s said she’s fond of him, and this time he didn’t even have to purr. In his mind he thinks that’s her version of telling him she loves him. “I’m fond of you too, Neb.”

* * *

A few days later, Yondu walks into the mess hall to find Kraglin and Nebula on the same side of the bench at their table, but she’s sitting at least three feet from him. After she leaves, Yondu goes and sits down in front of his older boy.

“Still not gettin’ nowhere with her?”

Kraglin, who had been studying something on a holopad looks up at Yondu, then back to where Nebula is walking out of the mess hall. His smile is wide and goofy as he feels his cheeks turning blue. “Uh, she actually said she don’t wanna replacement.”

Yondu is completely confused by the statement, but waits until Kraglin leaves a few minutes later and Zoe joins him before he says anything. “I jus’ asked Kraglin if he’s gettin’ anywhere with Nebula.” 

Zoe looks closely at Yondu, and worries that maybe Kraglin and Nebula are having some kind of problem. “Are they okay?”

“Mmmm, not sure. He said she told ‘im she don’t wanna replacement.”

She slaps her hand to her mouth and her eyes widen. 

“S’bad innit?” 

Her hand drops and he can see she’s smiling. “She loves him, Yondu, you ass!” 

This time, his eyes widen. “Wha? Wait’ll I tell Kraglin!” He jumps and starts to climb over the bench.

Zoe reaches out and grabs the front of his shirt, and pulls him back down next to her. She puts her nose to his. “Don’t you DARE say a word to EITHER of them!”

He holds his hands up and motions for her to calm down. “A’right Darlin’. I ain’t gonna say nothin’.”

She’s not sure he can keep his word.

Sure enough, later that same day when he sees Kraglin and Nebula in the weapons room talking to Peter, he puts his hand on Nebula’s shoulder and smiles. “I’s happy ta hear ya love Kraglin. He’s a good one. Gotta good head on ‘is shoulders and knows how ta keep ‘is woman happy.”

Peter’s eyes widen in fear and he backs away from Yondu. Kraglin frantically looks between Yondu and Nebula, who is just staring at his oblivious adoptive father, and wonders how he can prevent her from accessing any of the weapons in the room. 

  
  


_ Will Yondu survive? _

_ Find out next week on… As the Ravager Turns _


	22. Episode 22

Yondu catches Kraglin practicing his purring one day while he’s doing some routine maintenance on the Eclector’s engine. 

“Ya gettin’ sick, son?”

Kraglin doesn’t want to say a word because he remembers the last time Yondu got him in trouble with Nebula. He learned his lesson then. “Yeah. Yeah, think I’m gettin’ sick. Better go ta the infirmary.” 

The Centaurian watches, with narrowed red eyes, as Kraglin runs past him before he can say anything else. Shaking his head, he goes to check on the maintenance reports Kraglin left behind. “I swear, I dunno how I survived those two boys.”

A few hours later, Nebula finds Kraglin in the infirmary when she’s walking by. She moves to stand next to the stretcher where he’s lying with his eyes closed and looks him over. Not finding anything wrong, she becomes concerned. “Are you having another event?”

He lifts his head to look at her. “I’m fine, Neb. Just a little stressed.” 

She gets a look he hasn’t seen before. “You must take care of yourself. I am very fond of you and do not wish to find a replacement.” 

Inside, Kraglin is jumping for joy. It’s the second time she’s said she’s fond of him, and this time he didn’t even have to purr. In his mind he thinks that’s her version of telling him she loves him. “I’m fond of you too, Neb.”

* * *

A few days later, Yondu walks into the mess hall to find Kraglin and Nebula on the same side of the bench at their table, but she’s sitting at least three feet from him. After she leaves, Yondu goes and sits down in front of his older boy.

“Still not gettin’ nowhere with her?”

Kraglin, who had been studying something on a holopad looks up at Yondu, then back to where Nebula is walking out of the mess hall. His smile is wide and goofy as he feels his cheeks turning blue. “Uh, she actually said she don’t wanna replacement.”

Yondu is completely confused by the statement but waits until Kraglin leaves a few minutes later and Zoe joins him before he says anything. “I jus’ asked Kraglin if he’s gettin’ anywhere with Nebula.” 

Zoe looks closely at Yondu, and worries that maybe Kraglin and Nebula are having some kind of problem. “Are they okay?”

“Mmmm, not sure. He said she told ‘im she don’t wanna replacement.”

She slaps her hand to her mouth and her eyes widen. 

“S’bad innit?” 

Her hand drops and he can see she’s smiling. “She loves him, Yondu, you ass!” 

This time, his eyes widen. “Wha? Wait’ll I tell Kraglin!” He jumps and starts to climb over the bench.

Zoe reaches out and grabs the front of his shirt, and pulls him back down next to her. She puts her nose to his. “Don’t you DARE say a word to EITHER of them!”

He holds his hands up and motions for her to calm down. “A’right Darlin’. I ain’t gonna say nothin’.”

She’s not sure he can keep his word.

Sure enough, later that same day when he sees Kraglin and Nebula in the weapons room talking to Peter, he puts his hand on Nebula’s shoulder and smiles. “I’s happy ta hear ya love Kraglin. He’s a good one. Gotta good head on ‘is shoulders and knows how ta keep ‘is woman happy.”

Peter’s eyes widen in fear and he backs away from Yondu. Kraglin frantically looks between Yondu and Nebula, who is just staring at his oblivious adoptive father, and wonders how he can prevent her from accessing any of the weapons in the room. 

_Will Yondu survive?_

_Find out next time on… As the Ravager Turns_


	23. Episode 23

Kraglin suddenly realizes in his excitement and haste to find Yondu he might have left the door to his and Nebula’s room open. This dawns on him as he sees a kitten climbing up Yondu’s duster. Nebula really is going to kill him now, is all he can think. 

Yondu’s trying to figure out what’s pulling on his duster and looks down to see the kitten. “Hey! A kittentizer!” 

EVERYONE in the room turns to look when he says that. Kraglin and Zoe both yell at the same time. “Don’t eat that!” 

She grabs it and hands the squirming ball of fur to Kraglin who runs off to find the others. 

Peter is standing in the middle of control with that sick look again, and Rocket is looking at them all like they’ve lost their minds. 

Poor Kraglin is literally pacing the walkways and up and down the halls of the Eclector to find all the kittens. He thinks about the places Peter used to hide as a kid and opens up vents and sticks his head in them while trying to whistle and saying “Here kittens, come on kittens, Neb’s gonna kill me.”

It takes him nearly two hours to find the rest of them. Luckily for him, Nebula is still brooding in one of the storage bays while all of this is going on or he’s sure she’d run him through or blast him.

He’s in their quarters counting kittens when he hears the door open and close behind him. His posture stiffens and he closes an eye while he tries to make sure he’s counted the kittens correctly before he turns around to find she’s holding a kitten he missed. It’s at that moment that he realizes he may spend the rest of his life with her fearing death just a little bit. His heart races at the thought and he feels a little hot, but he loves her so he can deal with it. He thinks he can anyway. 

She drops the kitten on the bed. “How did they get out?” 

His eyes widen slightly and all he can think is...Uh oh. He doesn’t know whether to tell the WHOLE truth or just part of it. “I, um, forgot to close the door.” 

Nebula crosses her arms over her chest and glares at him. “Were you having another event? Do I need to take you back to the infirmary?” 

“What?! No, Neb...I’m...uh...I’m fine. I’s just distracted is all.” He worries that she thinks he’s prone to events now.

Her eyes narrow and she tilts her head as she studies him then sighs and looks around at the kittens. “Let’s make sure they’re all here first before we feed them. I don’t want to have to chase your father or that fox down later because they’re hiding one.”

“He ain’t a fox, Neb.”

“What?!”

“I’ll getta box.” She gives him a funny look. “Uhm, ya know. In case one’s missing and we gotta gather ‘em up.”

  


_Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns_


	24. Episode 24

**“** Hey, son, how’re things with Nebula goin’?”

Winking, Yondu slaps Kraglin on the shoulder.

“It’s goin’ good.”

“Glad ta hear it. How’re tha edible panties workin’ out fer y’all?”

Kraglin starts to blush, but before he can reply, Nebula, Zoe, Gamora, and Peter walk into the room.

“Are you okay?” asks Nebula.

“Yeah, ‘m fine, Neb.”

“You do not look fine. You are turning blue.”

Nebula pointing this out only causes him to blush a darker shade of blue.

“It is getting worse.”

“It’s nothin’ ta worry ‘bout, Neb, I promise.”

“Nothing to worry about? You have these events at least five times a day.”

Yondu looks concerned. “What kinda events ya havin’, son?”

“I ain’t havin’ events. I’m tellin’ y’all, I’m _fine_.”

“Ya sure? I think ya need ta get checked out.”

“Yeah, you’re looking kinda clammy and pale now,” Peter chimes in.

Being so closely scrutinized by everyone is only making Kraglin blush more.

Nebula is, as always, straight to the point. 

“I cannot have a mate who is not in good health.”

“Ya hear that, son? Ya need ta get yerself checked out, or no more edible panties fer ya.”

Kraglin wants to die on the spot.

“See? Do you see that? He is having another event and will not admit it!” Nebula is beside herself.

Zoe and Gamora have been silently watching the scene unfold, but finally Zoe steps in to try to help Kraglin.

“Did any of you ever stop to think that maybe you’re just embarrassing the poor man?”

“Why’re ya embarrassed, son? We all know ‘bout tha edible panties thing. Me an’ Zoe love ‘em, ain’t nothin’ ta be ashamed about.”

“Yondu,” hisses Zoe, who has now started blushing, as well.

Nebula notices. “Is she having an event, too? She is turning red.”

Everyone turns to look at Zoe, whose face now resembles a tomato. “I am _not_ having an event, but Yondu is about to have one.”

Yondu doesn’t know what he said that was wrong, but he recognizes the tone. “What’d I say, Darlin’?”

“I swear, Yondu…”

“I think we should take them both to Xandar. Our mates need to be healthy. Gamora, you should have Peter checked out, too.”

“ _What?_ No way! I’m in perfect health!”

Peter hasn’t been to a doctor since he left Terra as a child and still views the doctor’s office as a place of needles and terror.

Gamora speaks up. “I don’t think Peter needs to go.”

“Thank you, ‘Mora!”

“Actually, I don’t think any of them need to go. They’re fine. You’re just embarrassing them,” she adds.

Yondu and Nebula are not to be dissuaded, however.

“I would still like a doctor to confirm this.” Nebula is insistent.

“Yeah, think it’s a good idea ta make sure this space thing ain’t affectin’ ya, Zoe.”

“Yondu, honestly, Kraglin and I are both fine.”

“Yeah, we ain’t havin’ events,” adds Kraglin. 

Nebula is adamant, and finally Kraglin and Zoe relent - Kraglin doesn’t want to argue with Nebula, and Zoe knows Yondu will never let it go.

“Fine, we’ll go. But, I swear if they try to do some kind of alien probe test on me, I’m going to kill you, Yondu Udonta.”

  


_Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns_


	25. Episode 25

Yondu knows nothing about the female Terran body as far as health goes. They’ve been put in an exam room for humanoids with physiology similar to Terrans and there’s a few posters as well as anatomy models. When Yondu inadvertently knocks one of the models apart, ironically one specifically of female anatomy, Zoe hisses at him while he tries in vain to put it back together.

Finally, he gives up. “I always thought ya seemed kinda fragile.” 

Zoe rolls her eyes and lays back on the stretcher, in the blue patient gown she was given, and crosses her arms over her chest. “Yondu, I am not fragile.” 

He shrugs while she glares at him. He knows he’s just really protective but thinks this is a good excuse to be sure she’s fine. “We’re doin’ this for Kraglin, Darlin’.” 

She shakes her head at him. “Actually we’re doing this for you and Nebula.” 

After the doctor comes and does her exam and routine blood tests, he declares Zoe to be in perfect health. 

“Then why’d her face turn red? That ain’t ‘er normal skin color.”

The doctor looks at Zoe in some concern. “Can you give me some context as to when this occurred?”

Zoe is completely exasperated and drops her face into her hands as she turns red again. 

Yondu sidles up to the doctor and leans back as if he’s trying to be discreet, but his voice, of course, carries. “She’s doin’ it again. Sure ain’t nothin’ wrong?”

“Yondu, you keep bringing up intimate issues in front of  _ EVERYONE, _ including my parents.” 

“Ah! So he’s been embarrassing you?” The doctor is nodding and looking at Zoe with some sympathy.

“YES!!” 

Turning to Yondu, the doctor places a comforting hand on the concerned Centaurian’s shoulder. “Some people are self-conscious or awkward about personal or intimate issues being discussed in mixed company. It can cause their skin to turn a color other than their normal skin tone, in Zoe’s case pink because her blood is red.”

Yondu contemplates this for a minute and it seems like a lightbulb goes on in his head. “A’right. So there ain’t nothin’ wrong with ‘er, doc?”

The doctor shakes his head with a smile.

Shrugging, Yondu kisses Zoe on top of the head. “Still don’t see why ya need to be embarrassed ‘bout the edible panties, Darlin’.” 

Zoe’s face is back in her hands, and both she and the doctor are furiously blushing. 

“Captain Udonta, that is normally a discussion kept between a couple and not shared with others.”

“Thank you, Doctor! That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, Yondu!”

Yondu holds up his hands in a placating gesture as the doctor backs out of the room so Zoe can get dressed.

“I swear Yondu, I love you but I need a lock and key for your mouth.”

That shark grin he always gets when he’s being mischievous moves slowly across his mouth and Yondu pats the edge of the exam table. 

“Not here!!” Zoe blushes some more while yanking on her leathers so she can run as fast from the doctor’s office back to the M-ship as possible. She’s hoping Yondu will at least keep his mouth shut until they get back to the Eclector and in their own room.

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	26. Episode 26

Meanwhile, Nebula is pacing as she and Kraglin wait for the doctor.

“Neb, stop pacin’, yer makin’ me dizzy.”

“See? You are having another event. I told you we needed to come here.”

He just closes his eyes and lies back on his stretcher, pretending to be dead. His only consolation is that he gets Nebula. He just hopes she doesn’t decide to kill him one day.

After the doctor arrives and finishes his examination, he declares Kraglin to be in excellent health. 

“Fool! He clearly has events. Look at him! He is turning blue as we speak. I want another doctor to examine him. One who knows what they are doing.”

The doctor is not happy about this outburst, but after eyeing Nebula’s weapons, he agrees to have another doctor give a second opinion.

The second doctor is the same one who examined Zoe, and he attempts to explain embarrassment to Nebula. His explanation is cut short when Nebula draws her weapon. 

“Get a better doctor NOW.”

“Please, Neb…”

“These doctors are all fools! You are clearly having an event, yet they are saying there is nothing wrong with you!”

The second doctor slips out of the room, mumbling about getting a third opinion, and Kraglin decides to try to explain his predicament to Nebula.

“Neb, I ain’t havin’ an event.”

“Yes, you are. You have had six since we got here.”

“Please, Neb, can’t we just go?”

“I am not leaving until a competent doctor sees you.”

He closes his eyes again and wonders if he  _ is _ having an event. He doesn’t know how he got to this point. One minute he’s fine - just blushing a little, a bit embarrassed - and the next, he’s being held hostage in a doctor’s office.

Another doctor hesitantly knocks on the back of the open door and clears her throat. She’s clearly been warned about Nebula.

The doctor conducts a thorough examination, as Nebula stands nearby with her arms crossed.

There is fear in the doctor’s eyes as she slowly turns to Nebula and tells her she can’t find anything wrong with Kraglin.

“I want another opinion!”

Kraglin realizes he has to put a stop to this madness, somehow.

“Neb, no! I’m tellin’ ya I’m fine. I don’t wanna ‘nother doctor.”

“What about your events?”

“I ain’t havin’ events. Honestly, Neb, ya jus’ make me a little nervous. I’m scared I’m gonna do somethin’ ta make ya kill me, or worse - never speak ta me again.” 

Nebula is speechless. After a few moments, she finally says, “Oh. Very well, let’s go.”

She walks past the stunned doctor, and Kraglin shrugs his shoulders. 

“Sorry ‘bout that,” he says, before following her out.

They’re all banned from that doctor’s office forever. Zoe doesn’t know how to take the news. 

“Yondu, I have never been banned from anything in my life, and now I’m banned from places on Terra  _ and _ Xandar! And I didn’t do anything!”

“That’s what happens when ya spend time with Ravagers, Darlin’.”

Exasperated, Zoe shakes her head.

  
  


_ Will Zoe throw Yondu out of the airlock before they reach the Eclector? _

_ Find out next week on… As the Ravager Turns. _


	27. Episode 27

The trip back to the Eclector is very awkward for everyone except Yondu. No one will look at each other and no one is talking. Zoe stands in front of the airlock for some time before finally following the rest into the pilot box.

Yondu sits in the pilot’s chair completely oblivious to the uncomfortable silence surrounding him. A being with a higher sense of self-preservation would have kept his mouth shut. 

“At least we’re all healthy. Y’all should be happy ‘bout that.” He turns in his seat to look at them, no one responds. Turning back he claps Kraglin, who is sitting in the co-pilot’s chair, on the shoulder which just makes Kraglin wince. “Kraglin! That means ya ain’t gotta give up the edible panties!” 

“Dad, please don’t get me in any more trouble…” Kraglin whispers under his breath as his eyes widen, and he turns back to look at Nebula, who has chosen to climb down to the belly of the ship. 

Zoe won’t even acknowledge Yondu’s existence from her seat behind him, and Yondu grumbles the entire way back about there being no gratitude on this ship. 

After they land in the M ship bay on the Eclector, Gamora happens to see them all and realizes from the looks on Zoe, Kraglin, and Nebula’s faces that it did not go well. Yondu, of course, is still oblivious. Gamora discreetly types in a message on her wrist com to go out to the crew at large that says not to engage any of them until further notice.

As Gamora watches, Zoe, Nebula, and Kraglin silently drift off in different directions, and Yondu stands in the bay, hands on hips, looking at the three of them. 

“Where y’all goin’? Don’cha wanna celebrate yer good health?”

When Zoe turns with an irritated glint in her eye and hand reaching to the blaster on her side, Gamora steers Yondu to control before someone actually decides to stab or blast him. It is his fault, after all, Gamora is sure of it. Just as she’s sure every single one of them was considering murdering one very oblivious Centaurian. 

“Come on, Yondu, I think Crelo has a mission plan he needs you to go over in control.”

He grins at her and follows along without argument. She’s thankful that for as easy as he gets into trouble, he’s also easily distracted. Peter would be devastated after all if Yondu died.

That makes her stop for a second. Now she knows where Peter gets it from.

She’s pretty sure if one of the three does wind up killing him that Peter would understand why considering the trouble she’s sure he caused on Xandar. Fortunately, Yondu gets to talking to Crelo, and Gamora hopes the mission plan will occupy him long enough for everyone to calm down. Once she’s sure he’s sufficiently engrossed, she goes to talk to Nebula, who she finds in her quarters surrounded by kittens.

Gamora is stunned as she looks around the room at the multi-colored kittens. “When did you become fond of cats, sister?”

Nebula absently scratches an orange one that has crawled up on her shoulder. “The purring pleases me, that’s all.”

She wonders if maybe Nebula hit her head on the way back and needs to be examined by a doctor.

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	28. Episode 28

Gamora watches as Nebula continues to scratch the orange kitten sitting on her shoulder.

“They are cute creatures.”

“I suppose they are.”

“Can I hold one?”

Nebula nods and Gamora bends down to pick up the one that has been attacking her boot.

As she pets it, she watches Nebula out of the corner of her eye. It’s rare for Nebula to be so content, and Gamora is glad she has the kittens.

“I’m thinking of training them to use their claws in battle when they’re older.” She thinks for a minute, then adds, “Though I’m not sure how Kraglin would feel about that.”

“He might not be too happy about it.”

“I do not wish to upset him. I do not want him to stop purring.”

Gamora is surprised she’s sharing any kind of personal thoughts and doesn’t want to say anything to discourage Nebula from talking, so she just continues to pet the kitten she’s holding.

Nebula suddenly has a thought. “Is purring something that Xandarians normally do?”

“I don’t _think_ so...”

“Is Kraglin only doing it because he knows I like it?”

“I’m not sure… possibly...” Gamora isn’t exactly sure what Nebula means by saying Kraglin purrs, but she doesn’t question it.

Nebula dangles a piece of string, and five different kittens attack it at once. She gives a small smile, but quickly tries to hide it before Gamora notices.

* * *

Kraglin has actually been practicing his purring whenever he’s alone, because, of course, it _isn’t_ something he normally does. It calms him, and he sometimes starts purring at random times without realizing it.

Kraglin’s purring also calms Nebula, and he does it at night while she’s trying to fall asleep. The kittens gather in a pile on top of them when he starts to purr, forming a furry, sometimes scratchy, little blanket.

  


_Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns_


	29. Episode 29

All of the kittens in Kraglin and Nebula’s room tend to make intimate activities difficult, but she isn’t deterred. They crawl all over the bed, and when one appears ready to bite Kraglin somewhere she’s sure he would be forever traumatized by, she sternly commands, “No! Don’t bite him there!” Then once the little offender sits and waits for her next command, she just gently drops the kitten off the bed and continues with what they’re doing. 

Kraglin is thankful she doesn’t seem perturbed by them nor is she distracted, but at first he’s a little freaked out by all of the kittens in the room just staring. Somehow Nebula manages to make him quickly forget about them. 

After getting the kittens, the first time things start to get heated and they’re naked on their bed, Kraglin hesitates as he hovers over Nebula. “Should they be seein’...this?

She gives him a funny look. “See what, Kraglin?”

He looks down at their bodies meaningfully. “This...I mean, they’re jus’ babies.”

“They are kittens, they will be fine.”

As he’s mid-thrust he hears a pitiful meow. He pauses, and when he looks over the side of the bed, he sees all the expectant faces. 

He looks at Nebula and whispers, “Neb, they’re lookin’ at me…”

She rolls her eyes at him. “Please shut up, Kraglin.” Nebula then looks over the bed at the kittens. “Kittens! Turn around!”

They all dutifully listen to her and turn their furry little backs to them. Kraglin is a little scared, but mostly really turned on.

He looks at her with wide eyes. “How’d ya do that, Neb?”

“Kraglin?”

“Yeah, Neb?”

She wiggles her hips to remind him he was mid-thrust after all and he gets the hint. 

The kittens are totally silent and in the back of his mind, he’s making a mental note to ask her later when they’re not naked and in the middle of fun stuff. Of course, the orgasms make him forget to ask afterwards because his brain is just blank.

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	30. Episode 30

A few days later, Nebula walks into the room to find Kraglin trying to get the kittens to follow his commands. They’re crawling everywhere and meowing at him. He doesn’t understand why they don’t listen to him.

“Kittens! Sit!”

All of the kittens sit and look at Nebula, and Kraglin is baffled.

“How in tha galaxy do ya do it, Neb?”

“It is the tone of my voice. You are not stern enough, Kraglin.”

“I don’t wanna sound mean to ‘em.”

She gives him a confused look, and says, “I have heard the way you speak to the other Ravagers under your command. You can be stern.”

“But they’re jus’ babies, Neb.”

* * *

Try as he might, Kraglin is never able to bring himself to be stern with the kittens. They climb up his legs while he tries to work, and he attempts to command them, “Kittens! Down!” They ignore him and happily continue climbing up his legs.

They’re clinging onto his legs as he walks down the corridor later, and he passes Yondu.

“Good idea, son. When ya get hungry, ya can grab one an’ never stop walkin’.”

Kraglin is horrified, and picks up his pace to put a little distance between Yondu and the kittens, as the kittens merrily hang on to his legs.

* * *

Later, Kraglin sees Yondu walking around a corner, picking his teeth.

“Them was some good critters.”

Without hesitation, Kraglin takes off running, barges into their room, and starts counting kittens. They’re all there, so he doesn’t know what Yondu ate, but he’s thankful the kittens are all safe.

Finally, he decides to tell Nebula that either the kittens have to go with her while he works, or they’ll need to stay in their room. He doesn’t think Yondu would  _ really _ eat one, but it’s  _ Yondu _ . He knows him well enough to know that he’ll never be able to be _ completely  _ sure that Yondu wouldn’t eat a kitten. There’s just enough doubt that he doesn’t want to risk it, and he tries to keep the kittens away from Yondu at all times.

Nebula walks in as he’s recounting them to be sure he hasn’t missed one. “Kraglin, what are you doing?”

He’s, once again, not sure if he should tell her the  _ whole _ truth, so he decides on the partial truth.

“Just makin’ sure ever’one’s here.”

Nebula watches him struggle to count the kittens as they wiggle all over each other.

“Come on, kittens. Stay still! Please, kittens, I’m jus’ tryin’ ta count y’all.”

“Kittens, line up!” The kittens instantly line up in a neat little line at her command and watch her expectantly.

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	31. Episode 31

The kittens purr all the time. It gets distracting when Kraglin is trying to do something in their quarters and he can’t concentrate. He tries everything to get them to be quiet but it never works. Nebula usually winds up walking in to find him frustrated and begging the kittens to be quiet just for a minute. 

“Kittens, quiet!

“Neb, how do you get them to do that?”

“I have told you, you must be stern.”

He just sighs.

* * *

One day Kraglin thinks he finally got them to listen because they all sat when he told them to, but he didn’t know Nebula was standing in the doorway giving them ‘the look.’ He’s so proud of himself and she acts like she just got to the doorway.

“Neb! Look! They listened! They’re sittin’!”

She doesn’t want to hurt his feelings. “You are doing an excellent job with them, Kraglin.”

He grins proudly, gives her a kiss, and walks out of their quarters, standing a little taller because the kittens listened to him for once. She watches him walk down the hall until he is out of sight and earshot, then closes the door to their quarters.

Facing the kittens, she puts her hands on her hips. “You must listen to Kraglin when he gives you a command.”

The oldest ones look at each other, then up at her, and meow.

She points a finger at them. “I don’t care if you think he sounds silly, you must listen to him. Also, make sure you stop staring when we are naked. You make him nervous.”

They purr at her and she nods at them. 

Kraglin chooses that moment to walk back in the room. “Wha’cha doin’, Neb?” 

“Talking to the kittens.” 

Kraglin grins. “Do ya speak kitten, Neb?” 

Nebula just looks at him.

He scratches the back of his neck and tries to think of something else to say. “What’re ya talkin’ ta them ‘bout?”

“Telling them how they’ll be strong warrior cats when they grow up, on the battlefield, as we shed the blood of our enemies.” 

“Neb, they’re jus’ babies!” 

“They will not be babies forever, Kraglin.” Nebula makes a mental note not to bring up teaching the kittens to be warriors again. She suspected it would upset him, and that just confirmed her suspicion.

* * *

After that, Kraglin decides he needs to learn to speak kitten, too, so he goes back to the pet shop on Terra. When he walks in, he stops the first employee he can find. “Do y’all have any books on learnin’ to talk ta cats? An’ understandin’ ‘em when they meow back at ya?” 

They all look at him like he’s completely lost his mind. He returns to the Eclector with more kittens, but no books on how to communicate with them. 

Yondu sees Kraglin in the M-ship bay with the kittens, and he plucks one out of the box Kraglin is carrying. “Those fer me? Thanks, son!”

No one even realized Nebula was in the bay, but she has her knife to his throat before he can even get the kitten to his mouth. “They are NOT for eating.”

“Why’d ya bring the buffet on the Eclector then?” He puts the kitten back in the box, watching Nebula warily as he does so.

Kraglin hurries out of the bay, and Nebula lowers her knife when she’s sure he’s gone. She then pulls Yondu aside. “You are a good Dad to Kraglin and he is very fond of you. But if you eat one of the kittens, he would be extremely upset and I would be compelled to hurt you. Do not give me a reason to hurt you. Kraglin would be even more upset.” 

“Ya really love ma boy, don’cha?”

She narrows her eyes at him and the hand still holding her knife twitches.

  
  


_ Will Nebula kill Yondu? _

_ Find out next time on... As The Ravager Turns _


	32. Episode 32

Nebula does, indeed, love Kraglin, but she won’t admit it openly. 

“I am fond of his purring,” she replies, before lowering her knife and walking out of the room. 

Yondu is confused. “Huh. Is that what she calls it?” 

He goes in search of Zoe and finds her in the control room with Gamora and Peter. “Hey, Darlin’. Ya like my purrin’, don’cha?”

“Your _what?_ ”

“My purrin’. Ya know. When I eat yer panties, an’...”

Zoe blushes to the tips of her ears. “Oh, my God. Yondu, _please!_ We’ve talked about this!”

She pulls him away from Gamora and Peter, whose own face is just as red as Zoe’s, and quietly says, “Let’s just say if it happens in the bedroom, we don’t talk about it if other people are around.”

“What ‘bout if it happens somewhere else? Can we talk ‘bout that in front a people?”

She sighs and rubs a hand over her face. She realizes she will have to make sure all sexy times happen in their bedroom now because otherwise she’s afraid Yondu will think it’s up for general conversation.

“You okay, Darlin’?”

“Yes, I’m fine, Yondu.” She lowers her voice to a whisper. “And as for your _purrin’…_ I _love_ it.”

She winks at him over her shoulder as she returns to Gamora and Peter, and he follows her with a grin.

She isn’t sure why he referred to it as “purring,” and isn’t really sure she _wants_ to know why. All she knows is that he’s damn good at it, and she doesn’t care what he calls it. She tries to continue her conversation with Gamora and Peter, but all she can think about is Yondu and his damn so-called _purring_ , so after giving them a flimsy excuse, she drags Yondu out of the room and to their bedroom. 


	33. Episode 33

_ Meanwhile before Kraglin made it back aboard the Eclector… _

Kraglin is happily walking down the street, heading back to his M-ship to go back to the Eclector, carrying a box of kittens. Peter has the Benatar parked next to Kraglin’s M-ship and sees him happily whistling to himself. At least Peter thinks he’s whistling. Maybe he’s purring. 

Shaking that thought out of his head, Peter motions to the box Kraglin’s carrying. “Hey, Krags. What have you got?” 

Several little meows can be heard from the box and Peter gets that sick look again. 

“Oh no.” He whispers. “You can’t...You can’t take those on the ship. You know what Yondu’s like.” 

“They’ll be fine, Peter. Neb won’t let Cap’n eat’m.” 

As much as he loves his adoptive father, he breathes a sigh of relief. “Oh yeah, I forgot about Nebula.”

* * *

_ Several days later, back on the Eclector… _

Nebula eventually has to ban Kraglin from pet stores. As fond as she is of the kittens, there are now twenty in one room with two adults. She looks around their room at the kittens lying literally everywhere and gives Kraglin what he’s come to fondly call ‘the look.’

“You cannot acquire any more kittens, Kraglin.”

“But I thought ya liked kittens, Neb?”

“I do, but they’re taking over the bedroom. We had to sleep on the floor last night.”

“Yeah. That weren’t fun. Okay. No more kittens. Fer now.” Kraglin thinks about it. “Maybe we can let ‘em have their own room.” That would solve the space problem and he figures they could have more kittens. 

Nebula nods. “That is a reasonable compromise.” 

There is a storage room next to their bedroom and over the next few days, they turn into a kitten room with a connecting door. However, in order to prevent Yondu from accidentally slipping in there to ‘visit’ the kittens, they disable the door to the outside hall. The room is complete with little beds for each kitten, cat towers, a large sandbox in the corner with a self-cleaning feature (Nebula’s idea), little ramps going up and down the walls, and toys everywhere. 

At night when they’re ready to go to bed, Nebula sends the kittens to their room. “Kittens, go to bed.” They all skip out, triangle tails up in the air, and get in their little beds. 

There’s so many of them that Nebula can still hear their purring at night even from the other room. And Kraglin still purrs when she’s trying to fall asleep, which she likes more than she actually admits to him. She’s resigned herself to the fact that they are parents to a fuzzy herd and has started referring to Kraglin as their Dad without even realizing it. They listen to Kraglin better now that Nebula had the talk with them, but he never knows she talked to them. He just thinks he’s just finally figured out kitten-speak. 


	34. Episode 34

Kraglin doesn’t see Nebula as any different from the rest of Ravagers and Guardians. She picked up on that very early on, and it’s the main reason she likes him so much. She tries not to let on just how much she cares for him, but every now and then, something slips.

“Your purring is pleasing to me.”

“Really, Neb?”

“Of course, Kraglin. I have no reason to deceive you.”

It’s not the stuff of romance novels, but Kraglin loves it even more for that because it’s  _ Nebula _ .

Even after the doctor declared Kraglin to be in perfect health, she still worries about his “events,” and she asks Mantis to touch him to be sure it really is nothing to worry about.

She does so and then reports back to Nebula. “He is perfectly healthy, Nebula. He did not lie about that.”

Nebula nods. She still isn’t good with manners, which seem like a waste to her, but she gives Mantis a curt, “Thank you.”

“He feels very strongly about you.”

“What?”

“I felt so much romantic love for you when I touched him!”

Mantis is practically giddy with excitement at this new discovery, but Nebula keeps up her stern demeanor. She doesn’t know what to think about this news, but she asks Mantis for one more favor.

“Will you use your powers on me? To see how I feel about Kraglin?”

“You do not know how you feel about him?”

“I just need to be sure.”

Mantis just shrugs and reaches out a hand to touch Nebula’s arm. After a moment, she meets Nebula’s eyes, and says, “I feel love!”

“Okay, Mantis, that is enough.”

After Mantis leaves, Nebula continues to think about what Mantis told her. She wasn’t sure, before now, that she was even capable of real love, so the confirmation from Mantis has made her happier than she can ever remember being. She still doesn’t crack a smile.

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	35. Episode 35

Nebula is tempted to tell Kraglin that she loves him but is unsure if she should since she did tell him she felt the same when he told her he loved her. However, she has heard Peter and Gamora, as well as Yondu and Zoe, exchanging the actual words enough to realize it probably isn’t the same as him hearing those three words from her. So she decides to discuss it with the kittens. 

She sits on the bed in their main room and gathers the kittens up to sit on the floor in front of her. “Kittens, I need your advice.”

The kittens all meow at her. 

So she tells them what’s going on and they look at each other, meow several times, then meow up at her. And somehow she understands them, so in a way, she does speak kitten just like Kraglin thought. Their meowing tells her she should actually say the words to him at least once so he hears it from her and no longer has a reason to doubt himself.

“That is very good advice, kittens. Thank you.”

She sends them off to play in their room and goes in search of Kraglin, who she finds halfway up inside one of the air intakes on Yondu’s M ship.

“Kraglin?”

“Wha’?” His voice is muffled, and he shimmies back down to the scaffold he was standing on. “Oh hey, Neb. Wha’cha doin’?”

Nebula turns her dark eyes up to Kraglin and fists her hands on her hips. “I came to tell you I love you.” 

When Kraglin’s expression goes from one of shock to smiling ear to ear, to his face flushing blue to the tips of his ears within the span of just a few seconds, Nebula begins to worry. “I...I love ya, too.”

Her eyes narrow on his unsteady posture, he’s bouncing back and forth from foot to foot, then lift to his face which is very blue. “Come with me.”

Kraglin points up at the air intake he’d been working on. “But, Neb…”

She swings her head back to look at him. “Do not argue. Just come with me.”

He sighs and rubs the back of his neck but climbs down the scaffold and follows sullenly behind her. “Neb, are we goin’ ta the infirmary again?”

“Yes. You are blue and your legs seem to be having some form of seizure.”

Praying that she doesn’t turn around to look at him he rolls his eyes but keeps bouncing in excitement and happiness. If she needs the med tech to look him over to make sure he’s okay to ease her mind, he’ll deal with it. After the tech looks Kraglin over and assures Nebula he’s fine, it was just a normal reaction to excitement or stress, she leaves him there with strict instructions to stay and rest. 

Of course, while he’s laying back on the stretcher, grinning ear to ear, eyes closed, trying to rest a little bit, Yondu and Peter find out he is there and stop in.

Yondu looks him over and shakes his head. “Boy, wha's goin' on now? Ya gotta stop with these events.”

Kraglin is so happy he doesn't even care, he just sits up excitedly and bumps his head on the monitor above him. Rubbing his temple he grins at Yondu. "I'm fine, Dad! It's Nebula!"

“Nebula havin' events now?”

“No, Dad…”

The Centaurian suddenly gets a big grin on his face. “She pregnant? Am I gonna be a grandpa?”

At that suggestion, Peter looks a little scared and backs up a step.

Kraglin fixes Yondu with a disbelieving look and shakes his head. “No, she told me how she felt 'bout me.”

“Aw, son, an' it was bad enough to send ya ta tha infirmary? An' here I thought she liked yer purrin'.”

"She does, Dad. But..." He motions Yondu to bend down so no one else hears him. "...she actually said the words herself this time. It weren’t just her sayin’ she felt the same when I said it ta her."

Yondu claps him on the back making his teeth shake. "I knew she loved ya, son. But glad she finally told ya. C'mon. Let's celebrate!"

Peter groans and scrubs his hand over his face at the suggestion. He knows it won’t end well for any of them.

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	36. Episode 36

Kraglin is scared of what Yondu means by  _ celebrate _ .

"I dunno, Dad..."

"Don't worry, son! I won't getcha in trouble with Nebula."

Peter and Kraglin aren't so sure about that.

"Er, can we maybe invite Zoe along, too?" She's the only one Kraglin trusts to keep Yondu in line... even though she fails half the time. He also hopes Nebula doesn't find out because he's afraid she'll be hurt that he's celebrating something without her.

"Nah, let's jus' make it a night fer me an' my boys. Why don'tcha tell the girls ta go out an' have some fun a their own, an' then they won't even know we're gone."

Kraglin isn't sure how he feels about Nebula having "fun" without him.

"I don't know, Dad, are you sure this is a good idea?" Peter can't quite put his finger on  _ why _ , but something about this plan has him worried.

"'Course it is! It'll be good fer tha girls ta go out an' have some fun. An' it'll be good fer us ta blow off some steam, too. You'll see, ain't nothin' gonna go wrong."

* * *

_ Later, at a bar on Xandar... _

"What did you say to me?" Nebula has drawn her weapon on a frightened bar patron.

"I... I was only saying hello, I swear!"

"I did not like the tone of your voice."

"Nebula! I don't think he meant any harm. Come on, put your knife down." Zoe is wishing, for the tenth time tonight, that she'd stayed on the ship with Yondu.

Nebula lowers her knife, but does not take her eyes off the man cowering in front of her.

They hear loud footsteps behind them, and then a large man yells, "No weapons in the bar!"

"She didn't even touch him!" Gamora, who is also not happy about being in this dirty bar, is even unhappier at being yelled at by a loud fool.

"It don't matter. Sign out front clearly states no weapons. Can't help it y'all can't read."

Nebula whips around and puts her knife to the man's throat. "Don't ever speak to my sister like that again."

_ Ten minutes later... _

"I guess this is another place I can add to my list of places I'm banned from entering." Zoe is not happy. "Can we go home now?"

"No. Kraglin told me to have fun tonight. I cannot go back until I have had some fun."

Gamora and Zoe share a look, before Gamora replies, "Well, maybe we can try that bar down the street."

"That is satisfactory." Nebula starts walking in the direction of the second bar, and Gamora and Zoe slowly follow her.

As they enter the bar, Zoe says, "Please don't pull out any weapons this time, Nebula."

"I can make no promises."

After getting drinks and finding a table, they start to relax and chat. Zoe thinks maybe the night won't be a complete waste after all.

After about twenty minutes, they hear a brawl break out on the other side of the bar.

Nebula stands to try to get a better look. "What's going on?"

"I don't know, but let's just stay out of it." Gamora calmly takes another sip of her drink.

Zoe is just about to ask Nebula to sit down when she hears a familiar whistle.

"Oh, you've  _ got _ to be kidding."

  
  


_ Will Zoe, Nebula, and Gamora murder Yondu, Kraglin, and Peter? _

_ Find out next week on... As The Ravager Turns _


	37. Episode 37

Nebula grumbles under her breath. “What are they doing here?” 

Gamora gives her sister a look. "Well, considering WHO we're talking about, my guess would be they got kicked out of the first place they went as well." 

“They were supposed to be on the Eclector.” Nebula isn't sure if she should be mad or not.

"We should help them," Zoe suggests with a mild shrug.

The three of them try to break up the brawl, but then they all end up getting kicked out of the bar. It's quiet as they stand out front, no one knows what to say. 

Zoe glares at Yondu, hands on her hips. “I thought you were going to behave.”

Yondu spreads his arms wide. “I did, darlin'! Ain't that right, boys?”

Peter and Kraglin avoid eye contact with each other and sort of mumble a reply. 

Nebula stares directly at Kraglin. "YOU were supposed to be on the Eclector." 

Kraglin just bobs his head and rubs the back of his neck. 

“So then, why are you here?”

“Uh, we was kinda celebratin', Neb.” He honestly can't lie to her. She can see right through it when he does.

“Celebrating what?”

“Celebrating that ya love 'im, ain't that right, son?” Yondu throws his arm around Kraglin's shoulder.

“Yondu!" Zoe hisses and tries to pull him away.

Kraglin is waiting for the death blow. It doesn't come. 

Nebula crosses her arms over her chest and nods. “This is true.” She looks at Gamora. "Did Peter celebrate when you told him?" 

Yondu answers for him. "He sure did! Ya 'member that day, son? Thought we's gonna die when that big guy thought ya was flirtin' with his girl! An' then..." 

Peter is furiously shaking his head at Yondu, and Gamora is giving Peter  _ the look _ . Zoe finally grabs Yondu’s hand and starts dragging him away. He just can't control himself, and Zoe is furiously scolding him about his behavior. 

“Wha', Darlin'? I didn't say nothin' 'bout kittentizers 'r panties.”

Gamora grabs Peter by the ear and pulls him away. "Ow, ow, ow! Gamora, come on!"

Kraglin watches both couples, and looks at Nebula, genuinely fearing she will kill him.

She gives him a mildly speculative look. “Did you flirt with anyone?”

“Wha'? No, Neb! I wouldn't do that to ya!”

“Did you start a fight?”

“No.”

“Very well, then. Let's have a drink since the rest seem to be having issues.”

Kraglin offers Nebula his arm, and they find a bar they haven't been kicked out of yet to settle in for a nice evening together.

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	38. Episode 38

Gamora and Zoe start heading back to the Eclector, Peter trailing behind.

Yondu yells after them, “Where we goin’ now?”

Without turning around, Zoe yells back, “Home, Yondu!”

“Wha’? We’s havin’ a good time! Tha night’s still young!”

“Not for you!”

Yondu recognizes the tone and wisely decides not to reply.

Peter is mumbling to himself when Gamora finally stops walking and turns to face him, arms crossed over her chest.

“Do  _ you _ have something to say for yourself?”

Peter tries to think of a response that won’t get him killed. “Um, I love you?”

He gives her a cheeky grin, and she rolls her eyes and continues walking. She’s happy with his reply, but she’s going to make him suffer a little more before she lets him know that.

Peter jogs to catch up with her. “’Mora?”

“Yes, Peter?”

“Don’t you love me?”

She doesn’t answer him, but grins slightly to herself, and acts like she’s thinking about it.

“I wasn’t flirting! Come on, ‘Mora, you know I wouldn’t do that.”

Zoe realizes Yondu is about to open his mouth, and she slaps his arm. “Don’t you dare say a word!”

“I was jus’ gonna say -”

Zoe grabs him by the shoulders and kisses him before he can say whatever he was going to say. She keeps him distracted long enough for Peter and Gamora to get a little ahead of them, then she lets him go and keeps walking.

“Ya jus’ gonna walk off an’ leave me after that?” He’s still standing there, stunned. “C’mon, Darlin’!” Then he gets an idea, and his face lights up. “What if we break out the edible panties?”

Zoe stops walking. He catches up with her, and she grabs his neckerchief and drags him to their quarters, Yondu grinning the whole way.

Meanwhile, Peter is still trying to get Gamora to talk to him.

“Look, ‘Mora, Zoe has forgiven Yondu already! You can’t stay mad at me forever, you know.”

“Can’t I?”

Peter doesn’t like the sound of that. 

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	39. Episode 39

Kraglin and Nebula are enjoying a quiet evening without any drama. They’re sitting in a corner booth with her leaning back against his side and his arm draped over her shoulders. Though her arms are folded over her chest and she’s still slightly stiff, he’s in heaven.

“This is nice, Neb.”

“It is satisfactory, yes.”

After a couple of hours, Kraglin suggests they go back to the ship. "Gotta check on tha babies."

“Yes, it is their dinner time. Perhaps we should check on your Dad and my sister.”

“Yeah, probably a good idea. Dad's probably gotten in more trouble since they left.”

“I do not believe Yondu is capable of not getting himself into trouble.”

“He can be a handful can't he, Neb?”

Nebula gives him an incredulous look as they stand up and leave some units on the table. “A handful? You are being too nice, Kraglin.”

Kraglin shrugs noncommittally as they leave the bar. “Guess I'm kinda used to it.”

They get back to their room and find the kittens waiting at their door for them, meowing all at once.

Nebula shakes her head at them as Kraglin starts getting out bowls and hands her the scoop to measure their food. “You were not going to starve.”

Meow. Meow. Meow.

“Absolutely not!”

Kraglin stops what he’s doing to look between Nebula and the kittens. The irony is not lost on him that at one time the woman in front of him was once known as ‘the biggest sadist in the galaxy’. 

She narrows her eyes as she measures food into each kitten’s personal bowl. They all have names on them - Nebula’s idea. “What are you smiling about, Kraglin?”

He reaches out to rub a thumb over her cheek, but doesn’t say anything. 

Nebula’s hand pauses in it’s scooping and measuring to reach up and pat Kraglin’s hand.

Sometimes they don’t really need words and this is one of those times.

Meow. Meow. Meow.

Nebula turns to look at the kittens. “I said no.”

“What’re they sayin’, Neb?”

She rolls her eyes as she looks back at him, and resumes her scooping and measuring. “They would like gravity feeders.”

Kraglin turns to look at them all and shakes his head. “No, kittens. Y’all will just get fat.” When he’s sure Nebula isn’t looking he mouths,  _ I’ll get ya extra canned portions _ .

Meanwhile, Zoe is not thinking about the evening's events. Yondu has successfully made her forget all about it, and they are in need of more edible panties. 

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	40. Episode 40

The next morning, Zoe is eating breakfast with Gamora.

“Ugh, can you believe last night?”

Zoe, clearly distracted, replies, “What?”

Smirking, Gamora says, “Let me guess… edible panties?”

Zoe flushes a bright red. “You and Peter didn’t work out your argument?”

It’s Gamora’s turn to blush.

Nebula walks in and sits down with her own breakfast. “Are you both having an event?”

“Sister, do you recall the conversation about embarrassment?”

“I do.”

“That’s all this is. It’s not an event.”

“Why are both of you embarrassed? I overheard you talking about the edible panties. Surely that isn’t causing you embarrassment.”

Zoe realizes that Nebula is more like Yondu than she realized – neither one can ever fathom a reason to be embarrassed.

Kraglin walks over as Nebula mentions the edible panties, and chokes on the bite of food he just put in his mouth.

Yondu is right behind him. “What’re we talkin’ ‘bout ‘em fer?” This is one of Yondu’s favorite topics, and he’s always up for talking about it.

He smacks Kraglin on the back when he realizes he’s making strangling noises. Kraglin finally swallows and takes a breath. He hopes Nebula didn’t notice. She’d think he was having an event, for sure.

“Ya okay, son? Tha edible panty thing ain’t still makin’ ya nervous, is it?”

Nebula turns around to look at Kraglin. “Why does that make you nervous, Kraglin? You are very good at eating my panties.”

The room goes silent, and Peter, unfortunately, chooses this moment to walk inside. “What the - ?” He turns red, and now both he and Kraglin are making strangling noises.

The only ones in the room who  _ aren’t _ dying are Nebula and Yondu, of course. They have no idea there’s even an issue.

Yondu claps Kraglin on the back. “I’m proud a ya, son. Keepin’ yer woman satisfied is important. Ain’t that right, Darlin’?”

It’s Zoe’s turn to choke on her food.

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	41. Episode 41

Zoe turns a wide-eyed, agitated look on Yondu as they’re leaving the mess hall. “Yondu! What have we said about that?”

“Wha'? I weren't talkin' 'bout bedroom stuff.”

She stares at him. "Then what WERE you talking about?" 

“Kraglin keepin' Nebula satisfied.”

Poor Zoe doesn't even know how to reply to that. She's about to just give up completely on ever getting him to stop saying inappropriate things. He has no shame so there's no point. 

“Lemme make it up ta ya, darlin'.” He gives her a toothy smile. 

“We’re out of edible panties, Yondu.”

“Don’t matter.” He starts kissing her neck, and she starts to wonder if he only says things to embarrass her so he can 'make it up to her' later. It's probably very true. He is a wily Ravager Captain, after all. 

Later in their quarters, Zoe is considering ways to embarrass Yondu so he’d actually understand, but just doesn’t think it’s possible. She considers trying the daughter comparison again but then realizes it just won’t work. He might understand why she’d be embarrassed, but he doesn’t have any concept as to why he should be embarrassed over anything.

She’s watching him get dressed and decides to say something. “Yondu, why is it that absolutely nothing embarrasses you?” 

He shrugs as he starts buckling the myriad of buckles on his leathers. “Dunno, Darlin’. I jus’ can’t figure anythin’ that I’d have ta be embarrassed about.”

“I just don’t understand.  _ Everyone _ has something they get embarrassed about. But not you.”

Yondu stops to consider for a minute and sighs as he sits next to her on the bed. “I s’pose livin’ as a slave fer so long, not havin’ any control over anythin’ even as simple as when and where I could take a piss just sucks that right outta ya. Anythin’ I could be embarrassed about now seems kinda trivial compared ta that.”

Zoe hadn’t ever thought about it that way and her heart seizes in her chest at the thought of the Centaurian in front of her as a slave. She puts a hand on his forearm and gives it a slight squeeze. “I”m sorry, Yondu.”

He pats her hand and gives her a sweet kiss. “Ya don’t got nothin’ ta be sorry fer, Darlin’.”

_ What trouble will Yondu and his family get into next time? _

_ Find out next week on... As The Ravager Turns _


	42. Episode 42

Kraglin and Nebula are feeding the kittens when Nebula sneezes.

“Ya gettin’ sick, Neb?”

“I do not get sick.”

“Sounds like yer sick. Yer sneezin’.”

“I am fine, Kraglin.”

“We gotta get ya some soup. It’ll fix ya right up, I promise. I made some yesterday, so we’ll jus’ go to tha galley an’ get some.”

He grabs her hand, and pulls her along, ignoring her protests.

After he sets a bowl of soup in front of Nebula, he sits next to her as she lifts the spoon and stirs the soup.

“I don’t see how eating this will help my sneezing.”

“Soup cures ever’thing, Nebula.”

“I doubt it cures  _ everything _ .”

“It does, Neb! Jus’ ask Yondu!”

“Ask me what?”

“Dad, don’t my soup cure ever’thing?”

“Sure does, son.”

“Told ya, Neb! Go ‘head an’ eat it.”

Nebula still looks skeptical, and asks Yondu, “How do you know it cures everything?”

“I’ll tell ya how I know...”

He begins to tell her of an event that happened years before.

* * *

_ Thirty-one years earlier _ ...

Yondu and a young Peter are on Xandar, picking up some supplies for the ship. They pass a booth that has art supplies, and Peter spots the crayons.

“We were coloring groundhogs at school before I was kidnapped. For Groundhog’s Day. Not Possum’s Day,” he said, a bit sadly. “I didn’t get to finish mine.”

“What tha hell’s a groundhog an’ a possum, boy?”

“A groundhog is an animal back home that comes out on Groundhog’s Day to see its shadow.”

“Tha hell kinda place is Terra? Celebratin’ a critter seein’ its shadow?”

“ _ No _ , Yondu, we don’t just celebrate it seeing its  _ shadow _ . It just tells us if we’re gonna have a longer winter.” He picks up the pack of crayons and examines the colors inside.

Yondu is intrigued. “Yer critters can predict that kinda stuff? Huh, I might need ta go down there an’ get one.”

_ Later… _

Yondu comes stomping onto the Eclector, yelling for Peter. “Boy, get in here  _ now! _ ”

“What is it, Yondu?”

“Lookit this!” He shows Peter all the bites and scratches on his arms. “Ya didn’t say them critters were mean, boy!”

“Yondu! What if you have  _ rabies _ ?”

“What’s a rabies?”

“It’s what you get when you get bit by wild animals! Your skin falls off and your eyes melt out of your head! And  _ then _ -”

“Aw, hell! If my eyes melt outta my head, I’m gonna kill ya, boy!”

Kraglin overhears the yelling and runs into the room. “What’s goin’ on, Cap’n?”

“Yondu’s got rabies, Kraglin! We’ve gotta do something!”

“My damn eyes are gonna melt outta my head!”

“He’s going to start attacking the rest of us, and we’ll  _ all _ have rabies!”

Kraglin is concerned. “Ya need ta go lay down, Cap’n. We’ll figure out what a rabies is an’ how ta cure it, don’t worry.”

Despite Yondu telling him he can walk on his own, Kraglin insists on escorting Yondu to his quarters.

“I’ll be fine, Kraglin, ain’t no Terran rabies gonna kill me.”

“Ya can’t be sure. Yer the closest thing to a dad I got, an’ I ain’t lettin’ ya die from some Terran parasite. I’ll be right back with some soup fer ya.”

“I don’t need no soup.”

“It’ll be good fer ya, you’ll see.”

After Kraglin leaves, Yondu picks up his holopad and starts to research rabies.

_ Later… _

Kraglin knocks on Yondu’s door, then enters to get Yondu’s empty soup bowl. “How was tha soup, Cap’n? Ya feelin’ better yet?”

“I’m feelin’ great, tha soup musta cured me.”

“Ya sure, Cap’n?”

“Yep, positive. Ain’t got no symptoms. Look, my eyes ain’t meltin’.”

“I knew it! Soup cures ever’thing! I’m gonna go tell Quill. He’s hidin’ up in tha air vents, worried yer gonna die ‘cause he told ya ‘bout tha groundhogs in tha first place.”

Kraglin leaves the room, and Yondu shakes his head. After researching on his holopad while he ate his soup, he discovered that Centaurians are actually immune to Terran disease, and he was never in danger of being affected by rabies, after all.

He did, however, clean any skin and clothing that may have been touched by the groundhog, so neither Peter nor Kraglin might catch it. No need in taking chances. The last thing he needs is a ship full of rabid Ravagers.

_ Back in the present… _

“See, Neb! I  _ told _ ya soup cures ever’thing! Saved tha Cap’n’s eyeballs from meltin’ right outta his head!”

She still doesn’t believe it but eats the soup anyway. She doesn’t sneeze again, and Kraglin is positive that his soup cured her. 

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	43. Episode 43

Being on a ship full of space pirates of varying species and being exposed to gods only knew what in their travels meant that occasionally one or more of them does get sick. Ravagers are tough, though, and tend to just ignore minor things like colds, sneezing, or sniffles. Poor Zoe, Peter, and Kraglin all dread the thought of potentially getting sick, even with something minor. Every time one of them does, not that it happens often, Yondu or Nebula are bound to overreact.

The last time Kraglin had a minor cold convinced him to never appear sick around Nebula ever again. He sniffed a few times while working on one of the M-ships and didn’t realize Nebula was watching him. Apparently, in her mind, a runny nose meant Kraglin was going to die and she really overreacted. 

“Kraglin?!”

He bangs his head on the inside of the access tube he is inside of when he hears her voice and scrambles down the ladder rubbing his forehead. “Hey, Neb!” 

Her ink-black eyes study him rubbing his forehead and then he sniffs again. “Is it terminal?” 

Squinting his eyes at her he tries to figure out what she’s talking about. “Is what terminal?”

“Whatever you have. You have sniffed several times and now you are rubbing your head.”

“What?” He sniffs again and realizes what she means. “No, Neb, it’s just the sniffles. And I smacked my head gettin’ back down here.” 

Nebula crosses her arms and watches Kraglin like a hawk, genuinely afraid it is terminal. After two days of sniffles, she insists on taking him to the doctor again. 

“We must find another doctor since we were banned from the last.”

“Neb, I swear, I’m fine. I’ve had a cold b’fore, it lasts a few days ta a week then goes away. I feel fine. I promise ya.”

Finally, Nebula relents but is adamant if he is still sick after a week she will drag him unconscious to the doctor if she has to. She doesn’t. He’s better the next day thanks to cold medicine Zoe gives him.

Peter starts sniffling when they’re all eating breakfast a few days later and Yondu sits up and looks at him funny. 

“Ya got them crabs again, boy?”

Gamora’s eyebrows wing to her hairline as Peter drops his face in his hands and groans. “WHAT about a sniffle would even make you ask that, YONDU?!”

“Dunno, ya acted kinda funny last time.”

“Dude, I was  _ sixteen _ !”

“Y’ain’t too old fer them things.”

Poor Peter just shakes his head and looks at Gamora, who is smirking at that point.

“It’s really not funny, ‘Mora.”

That just makes her laugh and he gets up from the table in a huff and leaves the mess hall after depositing his bowl in the cleaning bin.

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	44. Episode 44

Yondu and Zoe are on Terra buying cold medicine for Peter and Zoe, as well as watermelons for Yondu. Yondu wants to go back to the same grocery store where he met Zoe’s parents, and she, reluctantly, agrees.

After they pick up the medicine, they walk to the fresh fruit section to look for the watermelons. As they turn the corner, they see a familiar old lady browsing the fruit. When she turns around, she stops dead at the sight of Yondu.

“Darlin’! Look who it is! ‘Member her? With tha cock-shaped fruits?”

“How could I forget?”

Yondu gives the old lady a little finger wave, and she drops the bag of potatoes she was holding as she starts to sway. Zoe pulls Yondu away. “Come on, let’s go.”

“Wha’, Darlin’? I ain’t done nothin’.”

“ _ Yet _ , Yondu. With you, that’s the operative word.”

* * *

Yondu and Zoe were blissfully unaware that the poor old lady fainted right after they left. She had almost convinced herself that the large, blue alien she saw at the grocery store talking about innocent fruit in such a disgusting fashion, was actually a figment of her imagination, or maybe just a very vivid dream. It took months for her to work up the courage to go back to the produce section of the grocery store after that.

Everything was fine at first. She saw Glenda from her knitting group and was able to spend a few minutes gossiping about the rival knitting group across town – all of whom were using subpar knitting patterns. Then, after she left Glenda, she realized potatoes were on sale.

It was after she picked up her bag of potatoes and turned around, that it all went wrong. The same blue alien was standing in the produce section. She closed her eyes and shook her head, wondering if she was having a spell. When she opened her eyes, the alien was still standing there, and he was  _ waving _ at her. The alien and the woman with him walked away, and the next thing she knew, she was lying on the floor of the produce section, surrounded by people asking if she was okay.

“I’m fine, thank you.” Someone helped her stand, then handed the bag of potatoes to her. “No! No, I don’t want them anymore!”

She starts to back away, and the onlookers look concerned, but they don’t stop her from leaving the store.

Later, after her family has gathered around the dinner table, her grandson speaks up.

“Grandma, why are we just having steak? Where are the vegetables?”

She turns a fork on him, as she yells, “ _ Do not _ say the word  _ vegetable _ to me, ever again.”

One of her other grandchildren looks around the table, then says, “So I guess now isn’t a good time for me to say I’ve become a vegetarian, huh?”

The poor old lady collapses at the table, her heart unable to bear the shock of her granddaughter speaking those vile words.

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	45. Episode 45

Yondu somehow finds out the old lady is in the hospital and wants to visit her because he feels bad. Zoe tries to deter him.

“It was my fault, darlin', I ain't gonna jus' let 'er sit in tha hospital without goin' ta apologize.”

“Yondu, please, she's been through enough. Do you really think seeing you walk through the door is going to help her?”

He’s not convinced and the next time they’re on Terra goes to the grocery store to get a gift to take to her. As he wanders around the grocery store he can’t find anything that he thinks would make an appropriate gift to say you’re sorry for putting someone in the hospital. Finally, he makes his way around to the produce section and stops to look at the display of eggplant. Not knowing he traumatized her with that particular vegetable, he decides to take a basket of them to her as a peace offering. 

The hospital isn’t far so he walks there, whistling some tune he’s heard Peter play. Unbeknownst to him, the tune is ‘Don’t Fear the Reaper.’ When he gets to the old lady’s hospital room, he’s still whistling it, he quite likes the melody and walks into her room with a huge smile on his face. 

She screams when she sees him with the basket and all the nurses come running. “Do you see him?”

When she points at Yondu, the nurses wonder if they need to adjust her meds.

He's still standing there in the doorway of her room, awkwardly holding a basket of eggplants, which he still doesn’t know the name of, and trying to calm her down. Holding the basket out, he turns toward the nurses. “I's jus' tryin' ta bring her some a these cock-shaped fruits to say I’s sorry and tell ‘er ta get better.”

All of the nurses turn red, and he realizes he’s said something to embarrass them but has no idea what. They’re all stunned and don't know what to say to him, but they usher him out of the old lady’s room because the longer he stands there, the more her monitors beep. Finally, he leaves the hospital, disappointed he didn’t get to give the lady his peace offering.

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	46. Episode 46

Yondu returns to the Eclector, disappointed, still carrying the basket of eggplants. He walks into the quarters he shares with Zoe, and she turns to say hello, then sees the sad look on his face.

“Yondu, what’s wrong?” She starts to walk toward him, then stops. “Wait… please tell me you did not take those to that poor old lady.”

“I’s jus’ tryin’ ta help.”

Zoe facepalms. “Yondu, how is that supposed to help?”

“I dunno. I jus’ felt bad, an’ I didn’t know what else ta do.”

Even though she’s exasperated, she still thinks it’s very sweet of him to want to help the old woman. She takes the basket from him and sets it aside, then wraps her arms around his neck and presses a sweet kiss to his lips.

“I love you, Yondu Udonta. I even love your inappropriate attempts at trying to make old Terran women feel better.”

He chuckles. “I love ya, too, Darlin’.”

* * *

Of course, now they have an entire basket of eggplants, that Yondu still insists on calling cock-shaped fruit, and none of the Ravagers want to eat any of it. He actually paid for the eggplants instead of stealing them, because he thought the old lady would hate to discover that he stole them, so he’s determined they’re not going to waste.

“Y’all are gonna eat this here cock-shaped fruit, or I’m throwin’ ya out tha airlock.”

The Ravagers are all standing there, shuffling their feet, trying not to make eye contact with Yondu.

Finally, Nebula speaks up. “Can we make soup out of them?”

That’s all Kraglin needs to hear. He grabs the basket of eggplants and Nebula, and takes off for the galley.

Yondu turns to the rest of them. “I don’t care how that soup tastes. Y’all are gonna eat ever last drop of it. Understand?”

He moves his coat so his arrow is visible, and they all start mumbling and nodding their heads.

* * *

_ Later, in the mess hall… _

The eggplant soup is surprisingly good, and everyone is complimenting Kraglin and Nebula on their culinary accomplishment. No one has even thought about Yondu’s name for it. That is, until Yondu opens his mouth to speak. “This cock-fruit soup sure is tasty, boy. You an’ Nebula done good.”

The only sounds immediately following his words are the clinking of spoons being dropped into bowls and Zoe’s sigh.

  
  


_ What trouble will Yondu and his family get into next time? _

_ Find out next week on... As The Ravager Turns _


	47. Episode 47

Zoe is on Terra to buy more cold medicine because the sniffles are running around the Eclector, and she knows sooner or later someone is going to overreact. While she’s in Walmart, she passes by a display of Avengers action figures and stops suddenly, unsure of what she just saw. Taking a few steps back, she looks and realizes that mixed among the display of action figures is one of Yondu, and they even have his name spelled right. It even correctly labels him as one of the Guardians of the Galaxy rather than an Avenger. 

She picks it up and tries to see if it even has Yondu’s yaka, it doesn’t, but it looks so much like him she can almost hear his voice. At first, she considers not getting it because she knows how insufferable he'll be when he initially finds out about it. After putting it back and picking it up at least five times, she finally decides to get it, because #1 she loves him, and #2, she knows it will make his year.

When she gets back to the Eclector with the cold medicine and action figure, she finds Yondu in control reviewing the navs to their next mission.

He looks up when she walks in and smiles. “Hey there, Darlin’. Wha’cha got?” 

With a grin she pulls the action figure out of the bag and hands it to him. “They made an action figure of you on Terra, for helping save them from Thanos.”

Yondu turns the package over in his hands and looks at all the writing on it. "Wha'? Action figure?" 

“Yeah, it’s basically a little replica of you that people collect because you’re a hero to them.”

Turning in his chair he looks back at Peter, who is at a different holoscreen. "Peter! Ya hear that? I got me a action figure, boy!"

Peter gives Yondu a thumbs up before throwing Zoe an annoyed look. “That’s great, Dad!”

“Gotta get one fer my console, Darlin’.” He jumps up, the mission navs forgotten for the moment, and drags Zoe back to the M ship bay.

* * *

A few hours later, Yondu walks into the mess hall with a bag in hand, and smiles when he finds both Kraglin and Peter sitting at a table eating their lunch. He plops down next to Kraglin, who turns to look at him, spoon halfway to his mouth. Peter had filled him in earlier on the ‘action figure’ debacle.

"Lookie here, boys! I got somethin' fer y'all." Yondu pulls two packages from the bag he was carrying, both his action figure, and hands one to each of them.

Peter stares at the package, mouth hanging open, inwardly cursing Zoe because she had to have known better. “Thanks, Dad. I’ll find a place to display it...you...properly.”

“Don’cha wanna take me outta the package? I’m poseable!” Yondu is completely clueless as to how that makes him sound, and Peter doesn’t say a word. 

“No, no. Action figures...uhm…lose their value when you do that.”

Kraglin is quietly sitting there, spoon in his mouth, turning the action figure package over in his hands and wondering what fresh hell this will start. “Uhm, thanks, Dad. This is great.“

“Yer welcome, boys, glad ya like them!”

Yondu is convinced Peter and Kraglin love the action figures so much, next time he’s on Terra he goes and finds a toy store and buys them out. 

Yondu pushes his shopping cart full of action figures of himself to the front of the store, and starts unloading them onto the belt. He bought all the store had in stock –  _ twenty _ – and only hopes it’s enough. He plans to give them to everyone he  _ thinks _ would like one.

As the bored cashier is scanning the action figures, Yondu can’t keep it to himself any longer. He smiles proudly, and points to the package in the cashier’s hand. “Tha’s me.”

The cashier glances up at him, looks at the action figure, then back at Yondu, excitement growing on her face. “Oh my goodness, you saved Earth!”

“Sure did.”

“Can I have your autograph?!”

“’Course!” He happily signs a piece of receipt paper for her, and then she finishes scanning the action figures, occasionally looking at him in awe. When the transaction is finished, he takes one of the action figures out of its shopping bag and hands it to the cashier. “Here ya go.”

The cashier is beside herself, and Yondu is convinced that everyone will be equally ecstatic when he gives them their own Yondu action figure.

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	48. Episode 48

When Yondu returns to the Eclector, he immediately goes in search of Zoe. “Zoe! Zoe, where are ya?”

“I’m over here, Yondu. What’s wrong?”

“Darlin’, ya ain’t never gonna believe what jus’ happened!”

“What?”

“Tha cashier on Terra jus’ asked fer my autograph!”

“ _ What?” _

“I was buyin’ up some more a my action figures, an’ she recognized me, an’ wanted ta get my autograph!” He failed to mention that he was the one who had to bring up the topic with the cashier in the first place.

“Oh, wow, Yondu! That’s amazing!”

She’s  _ so  _ proud of him, but not nearly as proud as he is of himself.

“I’ll be back later, Darlin’.”

“Where are you going?”

“Ta give some a my action figures away.” He kisses her cheek. “Oh, yeah, here’s one fer ya.”

She takes the action figure from him, and raises a brow. “I already have the real thing, though.”

Grinning at her, he says, “This is fer ya ta look at when I ain’t around.”

She holds back a laugh. “Okay, thanks. I’ll cherish it forever.”

He kisses her again, this time a lingering kiss on the lips, then says, “I’ll be back soon, Darlin’.”

* * *

His first stop is Terra – Peter’s grandparents’ house, specifically. Peter’s grandfather doesn’t quite know what to say when Yondu proudly presents it to him. A bit bemused, he thanks Yondu, and then puts the action figure in the closet after Yondu leaves. He can’t quite put his finger on why, but the figure gives him the creeps.

Yondu next visits Stakar and Aleta. Stakar is a bit confused, but also proud. Aleta thinks it’s cute that Yondu has his own action figure, and asks for an extra one she can carry around to show off to all of her friends.

When he returns to the Eclector, he starts passing them out to whoever he happens to see first: Gamora and Nebula are both baffled. Gamora thanks him politely, but Nebula, blunt as always, asks him why he thinks she would want a miniature version of him.

“Dunno, jus’ thought they’s neat.”

“They’re really nice, Yondu,” Gamora tells him, pulling Nebula away before she insults him even more.

* * *

_ Later, at dinner… _

“How come Dad gets an action figure, and I don’t?”

Gamora rolls her eyes as she takes a bite of her food. “I don’t know, Peter.”

“I mean, I think I did a  _ little _ more than he did.”

“Mmhmm.”

“Maybe I do have one! Maybe Zoe and Yondu just didn’t see them at the store.”

“Maybe.”

“I’m going to go and check!”

* * *

As Peter is on his way to his ship, he passes Yondu and Kraglin.

“Where ya goin’, son?”

“To Terra. I’m going to see if I can find an action figure of myself.”

Yondu puts a hand on Peter’s shoulder. “Now, son, don’t get yer hopes up. I don’t wanna see ya get yer feelin’s hurt if they ain’t made one fer ya.”

Yondu and Kraglin decide to go with Peter for moral support, just in case there aren’t any action figures of him.

They head directly to the toy department once they arrive at the store. Yondu browses while Peter searches for a miniature version of himself.

“Hey, Kraglin, lookit this! ‘Water balloons’… wonder what ya do with ‘em?”

“Dunno, maybe ya put water in ‘em?”

“Why’d ya wanna do that?”

“Beats me.”

“I’ll get ‘em. We can ask Zoe ‘bout ‘em.”

“Dad! Kraglin! Look at this!” Peter wheels a shopping cart full of boxes into their aisle, and holds up an action figure of himself. “I  _ knew _ if Yondu had one, I would, too!”

“Proud of ya, son.”

Kraglin, trying to appear unconcerned, asks, “Did ya see one a me?”

“No, sorry, Kraglin.”

“Oh, it ain’t no big deal. I’m jus’ gonna go wait on tha ship.”

Yondu and Peter watch him walk away. “You think he’s okay?”

“Yeah, he’ll be fine. Dunno why he ain’t got one, though.” Yondu shakes his head. “Guess we better go check out.”

* * *

When Nebula finds out that Peter and Yondu have action figures, and Kraglin doesn’t, she is determined to get one for him.

“Who do I need to kill to get one of these figures for you?”

“No! Neb, ya ain’t gotta kill nobody! They just ain’t made none a me. Don’t worry ‘bout it, it ain’t a big deal, I swear.”

Nebula doesn’t give up, though. She takes a couple of the Yondu and Peter action figures, and goes off by herself to cobble one together. Rocket even gives her a Captain America action figure to help.

When she finally presents the cobbled-together Kraglin action figure to Kraglin, he’s beside himself and close to tears. “Neb! I can’t believe ya’d do this fer me!”

“It was nothing. You deserved one as much as anyone else.”

“Thank ya, Neb!” He hugs her, then says, “I gotta go show Dad!”

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	49. Episode 49

Yondu is sitting in his chair in control twirling the action figure in his hand when he gets a whiff of something that doesn’t smell right. Lifting the action figure to his nose, he smells the coat. "Why's my coat smell so bad?" 

Peter sees him sniffing action figure Yondu and is afraid to ask. But he does. "Uhm Dad... Wha’cha doing with your action figure?"

He shoves the action figure under Peter’s nose. "Smell it, son. Wha’dya think that smell is?" Then he's aghast when something hits him. "Do tha Terrans think that's what I smell like?"

Kraglin sees what's going on. "Cap'n I don't think they like it when ya smell their butt."

Yondu is appalled and isn’t even paying attention anymore. "I have a mind ta go down there  _ right now _ an' tell 'em I don't smell like that."

Peter realizes he needs to step in before the conversation gets really weird. "Dad. It's made out of plastic. That's just what it smells like."

"Huh, well they need ta do somethin' 'bout it. That could make somebody pass out." 

Zoe has just walked into control and wanders over to them.

Yondu has to ask her to be sure before he goes to yell at the Terrans. "Darlin', is this what I smell like?" Then he shoves the figure in her face. 

"Yondu, what the - ?” Her nose crinkles. “Geez,  _ what _ is that smell?" 

When Kraglin goes back to his room later he smells the action figure he has, which smells just as bad. The kittens all look at each other, they definitely don't approve.

It becomes a running joke on the Eclector that Yondu stinks. He threatens the Ravagers with his arrow when he hears them laughing about it and after that, they only laugh about it when he's not around.

The next time he, Zoe, and Peter see Aleta and Stakar, Aleta takes him aside. "Yondu, you did remember to bathe, didn't you?"

Stakar is mortified. He  _ told _ her to let it be, but she just couldn't.

Zoe is struggling not to laugh while Aleta scolds Yondu.

Aleta gives Stakar a serious look. "He is our son. We must assure he knows proper hygiene."

Poor Yondu is all flustered about it

Peter thinks Yondu definitely shares DNA with Aleta.

"Ma. I don't stink."

She's sniffing him as he says it and wrinkles her nose. "Are you sure?"

He starts sniffing himself and and then starts second guessing himself wondering if he does stink and that’s why his action figure smells so bad.

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	50. Episode 50

Back on the Eclector, he runs into Kraglin. “Kraglin! Do I stink, son?”

“Uh, what?”

“Do I stink?”

“Er, no, I don’t smell nothin’.”

* * *

Yondu next finds Peter. “Sniff me, Peter.”

“What?  _ No. _ I am  _ not _ going to sniff you!”

“C’mon, son. I’d sniff you if ya need me to!”

“I don’t want you to sniff me, either!”

* * *

Yondu walks into the common room to find Mantis, Rocket, and Groot relaxing. Mantis is helping Baby Groot build a house out of blocks.

“Mantis!”

“Yes?”

“Do I stink?”

“You have a very distinct smell.”

“ _ Distinct? _ That mean I stink?”

Drax walks into the room. “Who stinks?”

“Drax, whad’dya think? Do I stink?”

Drax inhales deeply, then replies, “Your scent is very pleasing.” He then turns and leaves the room.

“Wha’? What’d he mean by that?”

Rocket gives a slight shake of the head –  _ just _ enough to make Yondu think Drax was lying.

“What’re ya sayin’, Rat?”

Rocket adopts an innocent face. “Nothin’.”

Yondu narrows his eyes.

Rocket sighs. “You smell fine, ya blue idiot. It’s just the stuff they use to make your dolls.”

“ _ Dolls _ ? They ain’t  _ dolls. _ They’re  _ action figures _ .”

“Hey, whatever you say.”

“Listen here, Rat...”

Zoe walks in before Yondu can finish his sentence. “What’s going on in here?”

Rocket answers before Yondu has a chance. “Yondu stinks, and he’s torturing everyone on the ship by making them smell him.”

“What? Why didn’t you just ask me?”

He would never admit it in front of Rocket, but he was afraid that  _ she _ thought he smelled bad, and he was trying to take care of the problem before he was around her again. She, however,  _ loves _ the way he smells.

“Dunno.”

“Here, let me check.”

She wraps her arms around him, leans in and inhales deeply, then kisses his cheek. “You smell amazing.”

“Ya really think so?”

“Yes, I love the way you smell.”

“Ya hear that, Rat? I don’t stink. An’ they  _ ain’t _ dolls.”

Rocket and Yondu continue their argument, and Zoe shakes her head and leaves the room.

* * *

Later, as he’s eating dinner in the mess hall with Zoe, he remembers Drax’s strange comment about the way he smells.

“Zoe, whad’dya think Drax meant by my scent bein’ pleasin’?”

“Um, I guess he thinks you smell nice?”

“But why  _ pleasin _ ’?”

“I don’t know. I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it, Yondu.”

He’s still not convinced, so after dinner, he goes in search of Peter.

“Whad’dya think he meant, son?”

“How am I supposed to know, Dad?”

“Ain’t he yer friend?”

“That doesn’t mean I know what he meant by that comment!”

“Well, yer no help.”

He goes to find Mantis again, and asks her to use her abilities to see what Drax is actually feeling when Yondu asks him about his smell.”

“Drax, whad’dya mean my smell is pleasin’?”

“Just what I said. Your scent is pleasing.”

Yondu looks at Mantis, who shrugs. “He likes the way you smell.”

“Oh. Izzat all?”

* * *

Every time Rocket sees him after that day, he asks Yondu about his doll.

“It’s a  _ action figure _ , Rat!”

Rocket snickers. “Which is still a doll.”

They argue until Zoe breaks it up. As she’s dragging him away, he complains “It  _ ain’t _ a doll.”

“No, Yondu, it’s not a doll. It’s an  _ action figure _ .” She turns her head so he can’t see her rolling her eyes.

Rocket will  _ never _ let the “doll” thing go, though.

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	51. Episode 51

Baby Groot loves the Yondu action figure / doll, and as soon as Rocket and Yondu see him playing with it, they BOTH shut up. 

Of everyone who has one, Baby Groot is the ONLY one that thinks it smells fine. 

"I am Groot!" 

"He says the  _ doll _ smells great." Rocket translates for the rest of them. 

They all start talking over each other, worried that Groot has a cold now. Zoe even puts a finger to the little tree’s forehead trying to see if he has a fever.

Nebula is concerned. "Should we take him to the doctor?"

Rocket is not concerned. "Nah, he just has a crap sense of smell." 

She picks up the  _ doll _ from where Groot is playing with it and sniffs it, then gives it back to him. "I think he is sick."

Kraglin just face palms. "Neb, it's okay. Some bein's jus' like weird smells."

Yondu doesn't like that they're still talking about his action figure's smell He’s still a bit sensitive about the whole thing. "Y'all know I don't smell like that, right?"

He regrets ever buying them for everyone.

“Yes, Yondu, we know." Zoe tries to reassure him. 

Rocket never lets it go though. He antagonizes Yondu for months over it. 

Yondu walks in the mess hall one day, and Rocket asks, "What's that smell?" 

On one occasion when Rocket does that, Yondu sprays him with water. "Huh... Wha's tha' smell? Wet rat?"

As payback, for Christmas, Rocket gives Yondu a bar of soap. 

After that, Yondu fills a bunch of the water balloons he got at the toy store with water and puts them in a big bowl on the table in the mess hall. When Rocket walks in, Yondu pelts him with a water balloon.

Zoe walks in, sees what’s going on, and finally gets tired of it. "Will you boys PLEASE stop?" 

Rocket's standing there soaking wet while Yondu is still holding another water balloon.

Yondu momentarily considers throwing one at her. 

  
  


_ Will Yondu throw the water balloon at Zoe? _

_ Find out next week on... As The Ravager Turns _


	52. Episode 52

Yondu pulls his arm back to throw the water balloon at Zoe, but drops it when he gets  _ the look _ .

He turns to throw the water balloon at Rocket instead, but is shocked when something hits his back and he’s sprayed with cold water. “Wha’ tha hell?”

Zoe laughs, and he spins around to see her holding another water balloon, ready to throw it in his direction.

Yondu grins. “Yer in fer it now, Darlin’.”

He throws his water balloon at her before she has a chance to throw hers. She tries to sidestep it, but isn’t fast enough. She glances down at her wet clothes, then looks back at him with a raised brow and a smirk.

She grabs a second water balloon from the bucket and throws both of them in quick succession. Yondu ducks, but is still hit by one of the balloons. The balloons start to fly fast, back and forth across the room, and Rocket is watching the two of them like they’ve both lost it.

Baby Groot wants to join in, and he picks up a water balloon that’s a little too big for him. “I am Groot!” He tries to throw it, but it lands on the floor next to him. Rocket shakes his head and picks up the tiny Flora colossus, placing him on his shoulder.

Peter and Kraglin walk into the room, then stop, stunned, as they watch Yondu and Zoe throw balloons at each other.

Kraglin is very confused. “Er, ya think they’s okay? I mean, they’s laughin’, so I guess it ain’t too bad a fight. Wonder what they’s mad about.”

Rocket walks over to them. “They ain’t mad. They mighta lost it, though. I’m goin’ to dry off.”

Groot hops off his shoulder, and stands beside Peter to keep watching the fight, as Rocket leaves.

Kraglin is still confused, but suddenly remembers something. “Hey, Pete, ain’t these the things Dad bought at that toy store?”

“Yeah, water balloons. It’s a Terran thing that kids -” His words are cut off as he’s hit in the face by a water balloon. He hears Yondu laugh, and yells, “Oh, it’s on like Donkey Kong!”

“Wha’ tha hell’s a donkey kong, son?”

Before Peter can reply, Yondu gets slammed with a balloon to the back of his head. “My back was turned, Zoe! Ya ain’t fightin’ fair!”

Peter grabs a balloon, hits Kraglin, and then all four of them are running around the galley like a bunch of kids, Groot cheering them on from the sidelines.

Gamora and Nebula walk in with weapons drawn. They were alerted by the crew that Yondu and his sons seemed to be having problems, and they were afraid a fight had broken out. They were expecting a fight with weapons, not with water. Nebula is afraid Kraglin is having another event.

Gamora replaces her sword in its sheath, and shakes her head. “I don’t think any of them are having an event, Nebula. This is just that humor we don’t understand.”

“You’re right. I do not understand.”

Everyone knows better than to throw one at Nebula or Gamora. Everyone except Groot, that is.

“I am Groot!” He tosses a balloon at Nebula, and it splashes across her boots.

Everyone goes still as Nebula slowly walks across the room towards him. He backs up a step, as Nebula picks up a water balloon, and weighs it in her hand. She suddenly turns and launches it at Gamora, who is caught off guard.

Gamora sputters. “Hey!”

“That was… satisfying.”

Kraglin now thinks  _ Nebula _ is having an event, but he doesn’t have time to dwell on it, because it’s now a free for all in the galley, as water balloons continue to fly. 

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	53. Episode 53

After the water balloon fight both Peter and Gamora are both soaked so they head back to their room laughing about how much fun it actually was. Gamora pulls dry clothes out of the chest of drawers and tosses them on the bed, then starts to get out of her wet clothes so she can dry off. Peter is behind her, his back to her, and he’s got a towel on his head drying his hair. 

“Hey, ‘Mora, can you hand me a long sleeve t-shirt? There should be one in my bottom drawer.”

“Sure.”

He’s still not looking at her and he hears the drawer open. There’s total silence for a minute.

“What is this, Peter?”

He turns around to look at her, and his eyes are momentarily distracted by the fact that she’s standing there with her pants open and no shirt on. Then he sees it.

She’s holding that damn hot pink dildo he bought on his first trip with Yondu to Pornorama. Peter was never brave enough to give it to her and just stuck it in his bottom drawer.

“It’s...uh...a replacement penis. You know…in case one breaks.” Internally he winces,  _ WHY _ did he say  _ THAT _ ?

“Did you break your penis?”

“What?! NO!”

"Then why do you need a replacement penis, Peter? And why is it hot pink?" 

He's just so flustered he has no idea what to say to her. "Uhm... It's a surprise...For Kraglin." Peter is almost as surprised as she is by his words.

"Why would you surprise him with a hot pink penis?"

"it's a guy thing, Gamora. You wouldn't understand."

"Why does Kraglin need a replacement penis? You know Nebula will want to take him to the doctor again if she finds out."

Peter realizes she's right. "Just don't tell her."

He comes around to her side of the bed and takes the dildo from her. Not really knowing what to do with it, he puts it back in his bottom drawer. As he’s standing up, fulling intending on taking advantage of the fact that they’re both half naked, he catches sight of something in one of Gamora’s partly open drawers. 

It’s a pair of her panties, half burnt on the side. He lifts them up with a finger and turns to where Gamora has her hands on her hips and is giving him ‘the look’.

“‘Mora?” He voice squeaks at the end.

She purses her lips and shakes her head. “Panties don’t really melt, Peter.”

“But…”

Gamora feels a little guilty for letting him believe they did. She certainly doesn’t want him to think she doesn’t completely enjoy being with him because she does. So she lets her pants drop to the floor. “But...you do get them very wet…”

He forgets to be upset about not melting her panties after that.

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	54. Episode 54

“I can’t believe you made me think panties actually  _ melted _ , Yondu.”

“What’re ya talkin’ ‘bout, son? ‘Course they do.”

“No, they don’t. I found Gamora’s half-burned ones yesterday, and she admitted they don’t actually melt.”

“Aw, now that’s too bad, son.”

“No way, don’t try making it sound like it’s  _ my _ fault! They just don’t melt, it’s not possible. Physics… or something like that.”

Yondu shakes his head. “Zoe ain’t burnin’ hers.”

“That’s just what she wants you to think.”

Yondu smirks. “Nah, she ain’t lyin’. I jus’ got that effect on her.”

“Ugh, Dad,  _ please _ stop.”

“Jus’ speakin’ tha truth, son.”

“Well, I still don’t believe it. Have any of your other relationships ever involved melted panties? I mean, it seems a little strange, you’ve gotta admit.”

“Nah, ain’t really had no other relationships, ‘sides love bots.”

“Oh my God, do  _ not _ ever mention love bots to Zoe.”

“Why’s that, son? Ya’d think with yer Terran sex problems, they’d at least make male bots. I mean, ya got them rubber cocks.”

Peter rubs a hand over his face. “I’ve told you before, it’s not a Terran sex… you know what? Never mind.”

* * *

Yondu finds Zoe in their quarters, and, never one to think any conversation is off limits, ignores Peter’s warning.

“Hey, Zoe, I’s talkin’ ta Peter earlier today, an’ he reckons he ain’t meltin’ Gamora’s panties.”

“Yondu, you’ve  _ got _ to stop talking about that.”

“An’ he also said y’all Terrans ain’t got love bots. I reckoned y’all would at  _ least _ have male ones, what with that sad male Terran sex problem.”

“Love bots?”

“Yeah, reckon y’all Terran ladies need ‘em.”

Zoe isn’t sure what to think. “Are love bots common around here?”

“Oh, yeah, they’s real popular on Contraxia.”

“Oh.”

“Ya okay, Darlin’?”

“What? Oh, yeah, I’m fine.”

“Is it tha love bot thing? Peter reckoned I shouldn’t a mentioned ‘em to ya.”

“Did you… I mean, have you… nevermind.” She walks to the bed and starts straightening up the pillows.

“If yer askin’ if I ever used one, I ain’t gonna lie ta ya. But I ain’t been with one since I met ya, an’ I ain’t plannin’ to ever use one again.”

Zoe still doesn’t turn from the bed. She’s trying to smooth out non-existent wrinkles from the quilt on the bed when Yondu finally approaches her.

“Now, darlin’, don’t be upset. That’s jus’ how some bein’s pass tha time in space.”

“Well, it’s  _ not _ how Terrans pass the time.”

“Ya ain’t mad at me, are ya, Darlin’?”

She finally turns to face him, and sighs. “No, Yondu, I’m not mad at you. I can’t be mad at how you spent your time before we met. I just don’t ever want to hear you mention the words ‘love bot’ in our bedroom again, okay?”

He grins at her, and replies, “Okay.”

She leans up onto her tiptoes, and kisses him softly. “I love you, you know.”

“I love ya, too, Zoe.”

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	55. Episode 55

After the love bot debacle and discussion about how Terrans pass time versus how other beings in space do, Zoe decides she needs to take Yondu to Terra to do things she used to like doing. 

They start out with going to see a movie. Yondu is surprisingly excited that Zoe wants to share one of her Terran hobbies with him and vows, in his mind, to be on his best behavior. The concession stand alone is a near nightmare. Someone recognizes him from his action figure and he is all too happy to talk about saving the Galaxy and sign autographs.

Zoe stands there, tapping her foot, and looking at her watch while Yondu goes on and one. She knows from experience if she doesn’t stop this now, they won’t see any of the movie at all. So finally she says excuse me to the people standing around them, and grabs the sleeve of his duster to pull him along with her.

“Hey! Where’re we goin’, Darlin’? Them’s my fans!”

“Yondu, the movie starts in five minutes.”

“Oh, a’right then.” He waves behind him. “Sorry, y’all, gotta get ta our movie now!”

She  _ thinks _ once they sit down in the theater that he’ll be engrossed in the movie and be quiet. Except, she’s made the mistake of taking him to a 3D action movie. Without even thinking about it, she hands him a pair of the 3D goggles the theater employee gave her. 

“What’s these fer?”

“You put them over your eyes so you can see the movie better.”

“Huh.” He looks around at everyone else in the theater wearing the glasses as well, as he puts them on his face. “All you Terrans got eye problems?”

Zoe sighs. “We don’t have eye problems Yondu, it’s for the special effects.”

“Wha’s special effects?”

“Just watch the movie, Yondu.”

As soon as the action starts, Yondu is talking out loud and dodging stuff that’s flying at him.

At one point he puts his hand on top of her head and pushes her down in the seat, then covers her with his body. "Zoe, get down! That bomb's gonna blow!" 

"Yondu, shut up! It’s just a movie."

He sits up and looks around at the people totally unaffected by the bomb that just went off, and ducks under the shrapnel that flies past his head. Turning to look at the man behind him, who is perfectly fine, he’s baffled. “Did’ja see that come flyin’ through here?”

“Yondu! Turn around!”

He makes so much commotion that the theater employees finally come in and ask them to leave and not come back. 

The next time, she tries a drive-in theater and a non 3D movie. She decides that’s worse. It’s a zombie apocalypse type of movie and Yondu is convinced they’re being overrun by the undead. He jumps out of the car Peter’s grandfather let them borrow for it, and starts running around with his Yaka arrow hovering beside him, determined to take out the zombies before they get there. 

“Come on ever’body, ya can’t stay in yer cars! Them undead things’ll get’cha. Let’s go, we gotta find someplace safe!” No one gets out of their cars.

Zoe is running around after him trying to get him to go back to their car, but he’s determined to be the hero and save the helpless Terrans. He stands at the entrance to the drive-in park looking back over his shoulder at the screen, waiting for the zombies to get to him. 

The drive-in attendant asks them politely to leave and never come back. Before the next showing at that drive-in, they pass out a list of rules to everyone in attendance. First and foremost, don’t get out of your car once the movie starts.

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	56. Episode 56

After the movie incident, Zoe decides to try something else. Preferably something that doesn’t involve flying objects in 3D. She thinks Yondu might enjoy laser tag since he’d probably be good at it, and she invites Peter, Kraglin, Gamora, and Nebula to go along with them.

Her first mistake was not actually explaining it, in detail, to him as they flew down to Terra. Her second mistake was not making sure he was paying attention to the teenager who was going over the rules with the group as they put on their laser tag vests. Her third mistake was not realizing that all of the non-Terrans would take it way too seriously.

As they wait to enter the laser tag room, Nebula is giving the others orders, and Zoe has a bad feeling about the whole thing, but keeps trying to ignore it.

“Gamora, you and Yondu will cover Zoe. She is not good with shooting weapons. Kraglin, you and I will cover Peter.”

Peter is offended. “Are you saying I need to be covered?  _ I _ should be the one covering someone else!”

Gamora tries not to laugh, as she says, “Don’t worry, Peter. No one thinks you can’t take care of yourself.”

Zoe’s bad feeling grows as they walk into the room, and Nebula continues to yell orders. “Check the rear! And do not forget to scan the ground! The smaller Terrans may be lying in wait.”

“Oh, no,” Zoe whispers to herself as the others run into the room, searching for cover. “They don’t know it’s fake.”

“Zoe, c’mon!” Yondu grabs her arm, and pulls her behind a wall. “Ya know how ta use these things?”

“Yeah, I know what to do, but Yondu, listen...”

“We ain’t got time fer talkin’ now, Darlin’. Don’t be scared, I ain’t gonna let nothin’ happen to ya.”

“Yondu, please...”

“Zoe, get down!” He starts firing his laser gun at a small child who has run out into the middle of the room.

“Aw, man,” the kid grumbles, as he runs off again.

“Aw, hell, Zoe, ya didn’t tell ma y’all’s Terran kids was so resilient. How’re we gonna take ‘em down?”

“Yondu, it’s not real – it’s just a game!”

Ignoring her, he said, “C’mon, Gamora’s waving us over ta her side.” He grabs her hand, and pulls her along behind him.

As they make their way across the room, Yondu’s vest lights up and he yells. “I’m hit, Zoe!”

He falls to the ground as Kraglin comes running from across the room. “Dad, no!”

“Get yerselves back ta tha ship, boys! Make sure Zoe’s safe.”

Zoe rolls her eyes. “Yondu.”

Kraglin falls to his knees beside him. “Dad, please! Ya can’t give up!”

“I’s sorry, son.”

Nebula and Gamora are circling the group, their backs to Yondu, weapons facing the curious onlookers. They’re picking off the kids one by one, not realizing that none of them have noticed, riveted as they are by the drama unfolding in front of them.

Peter shakes his head. “ _ Dude _ , please get up. You’re embarrassing yourself, not to mention  _ us _ .”

“I see tha light, it’s my time. Don’t forget me, Zoe.”

“Yondu, that’s the overhead lights. They turned them on to see what idiot was causing all the commotion.”

“Wha’? Ya mean I ain’t dyin’?”

“Not yet.”

Peter and Zoe walk away, trying to ignore all the stares. Gamora and Nebula lower their weapons.

“I think the threat has been neutralized. Come, Kraglin.”

Kraglin stands up and follows Gamora and Nebula out.

“Where y’all goin’? C’mon, y’all! Come back! I’s just near death, y’all can’t walk off an’ leave me here.”

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave the premises.”

Yondu looks around at all the children staring at him. “I can’t believe y’all Terrans got such a lack a respect fer a dyin’ man.” He gingerly gets to his feet and walks outside to the find the others.

When he finds them, he throws his arms around Zoe. “I’m so glad yer safe, Darlin’.”

“Yondu,  _ please _ .”

He turns to the others. “An’ I can’t  _ believe _ y’all would jus’ leave me layin’ on tha ground as I’s dyin’.”

“ _ You were not dying, Yondu!” _

“Darlin’, I know yer new ta this space stuff, but usually when a man gets hit by a laser, he ain’t long fer this world.”

“It’s just a game, Yondu! A Terran game! For  _ children _ . It wasn’t real, you weren’t really near death, and I swear I can’t believe I thought this was a good idea.”

“So I weren’t really close ta dyin’?”

“ _ No _ .”

“Oh. Well, in that case, when we get back ta tha ship, ya wanna celebrate I’m still alive? My near-death experience’s got me wantin’ ta have a little fun now.”

“ _ Dude _ .”

“Yondu,  _ please _ .”

They all walk off, and he yells after them, “Wha’?”

As they’re boarding the ship, he finally catches up to them, and grabs Zoe’s hand. “So yer sayin’ ya  _ don’t _ wanna have no fun?”

She slows down to let the others get ahead of them, then whispers in his ear, “Oh, we’re going to have some fun. You owe me for all the embarrassment you’ve caused me today.”

He flashes her a wicked grin, and replies, “Oh, I’m gonna make it up ta ya, I promise.”

  
  


_ What trouble will Yondu cause next as Zoe continues the search for a Terran activity they can safely do? _

_ Find out next week on... As The Ravager Turns _


	57. Episode 57

Zoe is still trying to find something, anything, they can all do together without Yondu embarrassing her or causing trouble. Frankly, she’s just not sure that’s at all possible. She’s sitting in the mess hall eating her breakfast when Peter walks in and sits down in front of her with his own.

“What’s the matter, Zoe?”

“Nothing’s really wrong, Peter, I’m just trying to think of something we can all do together where Yondu won’t act like…” She motions her hand in the air while she tries to find the right word.

Peter pulls his spoon out of his mouth and huffs a laugh. “Like Yondu?”

“Well...yeah.”

“Good luck with that.” He thinks for a minute, then points his spoon at her. “We could go to Florida. There’s all kinds of stuff to do there.  _ And  _ they’re probably used to...weird.”

“Ooh, that’s a good idea. I’ll tell Yondu!”

“Tell me wha’, darlin’?”

Zoe’s face lights up when Yondu sits down next to her, and she gives him a quick kiss to his lips. “That we’re all going to Florida.”

Yondu looks between Peter and Zoe. “Wha’s a Florida?”

Peter rolls his eyes and mutters, “Maybe not our kind of weird.”

The next break between missions, they all decide to take a trip to Terra, even Drax and Rocket go. Mantis decides she’s better off staying behind, and Groot stays with her so he won’t get lost or hurt. Frankly, after all is said and done, Zoe wishes she had done the same.

Somehow, the very first thing they come across when they get to Florida that everyone seems interested in is a casino. Zoe protests, vehemently.

“C’mon darlin’, ya wanted us all ta take a trip and have some fun.” Yondu turns to her, hands on hips, with that shark smile of his in place and she forgets just why she  _ KNOWS _ this is a very bad idea.

It barely takes fifteen minutes for Drax and Rocket to start a huge fight at the craps table. She finds Kraglin and Yondu standing by the hallway that leads back to where the cash in windows are. Nebula is threatening a slot machine with a blaster. Peter and Gamora are arguing over a blackjack game.

Thirty minutes after they initially walked in, every single one of them is escorted outside. Zoe is already standing by the large SUV they rented for this trip. 

Yondu is smiling when he gets to her side. “That was fun, darlin’, we hafta go ta another one of these places since we got kicked outta this one.”

“No.”

“Darlin’...”

“No, Yondu Udonta. Just no.”

“But it was…”

“I swear, Yondu, don’t say another word.”

Her tone finally convinces him to keep quiet and he climbs into the back of the SUV.

They drive away from the casino and on to their resort. Zoe hopes the activities she has planned for them all the next day don’t get them banned from even more places. Her list is growing and she’s not sure how to feel about that.

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	58. Episode 58

The next day, Kraglin sees a sign for the monster truck championship.

“Hey, Pete, I didn’t know y’all had monsters down here on Terra.”

“What?” He sees the sign, and adds, “Oh, no, they’re not actual monsters.”

“Oh. What’s a monster truck then?’

“It’s a – you know what, let’s just go see the show. It starts in a couple of hours.”

Rocket, Drax, and Yondu decide to go with them, and Zoe hopes they can manage to stay out of trouble for once. She doesn’t have high hopes, though.

After they arrive at the arena, they walk around and watch the fans meet the drivers and take selfies with the trucks. They see a truck at the end that doesn’t have anyone around it.

Rocket walks a little closer to it, and puts his hands on his hips. “Y’all thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?”

Drax is intrigued. “What are you thinking, small friend?”

“I’m gonna drive this truck.”

“Are you  _ crazy _ ?” Peter whisper-yells, as he frantically looks around at the other people milling about, none of whom are paying any attention to them. 

Rocket hops up onto the truck’s tire, and climbs into the open window.

“What are you  _ doing _ ?”

“What’s it look like?”

“You don’t even know how to drive a Terran truck!”

“It can’t be that difficult if the Terrans can do it.”

Peter can’t argue with that.

The announcement over the intercom tells the drivers to take their places, and Rocket yells out the window, “Gotta go!” He backs the truck up, into the open garage door, and heads into the arena.

Peter rubs his face with his hands. “Aw, geez. We’re gonna get banned for sure.”

Yondu throws his arm around Peter’s shoulder. “C’mon, son, let’s go watch tha show. Tha Rat can take care a himself.”

By the time they find their seats, the show is starting.

“Welcome to the 15 th annual Monster Truck Championship!” shouts the announcer.

Kraglin and Drax quickly get into the action, yelling and jumping up and down. Peter is still worried about Rocket, but tries to relax and enjoy himself. Yondu is, surprisingly, on his best behavior. He promised Zoe he’d stay out of trouble, and he’s determined to keep his word.

As the truck Rocket stole lines up for the race, the crowd cheers, but it’s nothing compared to how they react when his competitor pulls up to the starting line.

The crowd goes wild, and the announcers are suitably excited. “All right, folks! Here’s our reigning champion, winner of the last two Monster Truck Championships! Rob Myers! And he’s up against a newcomer, David Rogers.”

The second announcer chuckles. “I’d hate to be the new guy going up against the reigning champ!”

“And they’re off! Fine driving by Rob!”

“We wouldn’t expect anything less! But what’s this? The new guy’s about to pass – I don’t believe it!”

“He might be taking that turn too fast!”

“He’s taking a chance!”

“And it’s paid off! Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new champion!”

“Wow! We have never seen driving quite like this, have we, Bob?”

“No, sir, we haven’t! I bet David’s feeling pretty proud of himself after that display!”

“He’s getting out of the truck now –  _ what the-? _ ”

“Is that… is that a  _ raccoon _ ?”

Pandemonium breaks out in the arena.

Rocket jumps out of the truck, grabs the microphone from someone on the sideline, and yells, “Quill, meet me out back!” He scampers out, and Peter groans. “Let’s go.”

* * *

When they arrive back at the resort, they find Zoe, Gamora, and Nebula lounging on the couch together, watching a movie.

“How’d it go?” Zoe asks from the couch.

“We got banned.”

Zoe sighs and turns back to the television.

“It weren’t my fault, this time, Darlin!”

She looks back at him. “Are you serious?”

“Yep!”

“Yeah, he didn’t have anything to do with it, for a change. It was the trash panda’s fault this time.”

Zoe ignores Peter and Rocket arguing, and runs to Yondu, jumping into his arms and wrapping her legs around his waist. “I’m so proud of you!”

She kisses him, and he grins. “Think I deserve a reward, don’t you?” She smirks as he carries her out of the room.

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	59. Episode 59

There are all sorts of shows and activities inside the resort that Zoe has them booked at. One of which winds up being a World of Wrestling event with four different matches. While Nebula, Gamora, and Zoe go to a show, which Zoe hopes won’t end in bloodshed, the guys all go to the wrestling event.

Peter is extremely excited, because Zoe got them front row seats. One thing his mom always promised him as a kid was that when the wrestlers came through their hometown, she would take him to see a show. She died before that could happen, and it was never something he thought to ask Yondu.

The five of them file into the arena and find their seats. Someone recognizes Yondu, and he goes off to sign autographs for his fans. 

“Can you believe that?” Peter is incredulous and looks at Kraglin. “It’s not like he’s the  _ only  _ one that was there.”

Kraglin scratches the back of his neck and his lip curls up on one side while he watches Yondu. “Maybe they like ‘im cause he’s blue?”

“He is a man.” This from Drax.

Peter and Kraglin both turn to look at their companion. Rocket looks up at him like he’s crazy, too.

“I’m a man, too, Drax.” Peter huffs.

“No, you are a…”

“Yeah, Drax, I know, I’m a dude. I’m still a man.”

Rocket snickers just as the lights start to dim. “Yeah, Quill, you’re a  _ soft _ man.”

Peter chooses to pretend like he didn’t hear that.

The wrestlers are introduced as they run down the aisle and jump into the ring. They are immediately running around the ring, throwing each other down, and doing what wrestlers do. At one point, the larger of the two gets tossed out of the ring in front of Drax, and starts pounding on his chest and yelling at the other one. He grabs a folding chair and jumps back in the ring. The other guy snatches the chair from him and beats him over the head with it.

Drax suddenly shoots up from his seat and climbs over the barrier. “He is no match for the smaller one. I will destroy him!!”

Peter and Kraglin  _ try _ to stop him but Drax isn’t listening and it’s two against one. Then Rocket starts taking bets from the fans around them. Most of them are betting on Drax. They’ve heard of Drax the Destroyer. 

When Peter asks if they’ve heard of Starlord or Kraglin Obfonteri, the fans look at him like he’s got two heads. He watches in mute fascination,  _ horror _ , while Drax knocks out the two wrestlers. Rocket is nowhere to be found when the fans who bet on him want their money. 

A fight breaks out and Peter groans when he hears a sharp whistle. 

Fifteen minutes later, Peter, Kraglin, Yondu, Drax, and Rocket are escorted out the arena with specific instructions never to return. 

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	60. Episode 60

The next morning, Yondu finds Peter in the kitchen pouring a bowl of cereal.

“Gonna take ya to tha zoo today, son.”

“What? Why are you taking me to the zoo?”

“Thought ya wanted ta go?”

“Yeah, when I was  _ ten _ .”

“Yeah, well, it’s jus’ a few years late.”

Peter rolls his eyes. “I’m not going to the zoo.”

“Yeah, ya are. We’s gonna have a nice day out.”

Peter snorts. “Father and son day, huh?”

“Nah, it ain’t gonna be just us. Zoe’s gonna go, too. Not sure ‘bout tha others.”

“Fine. Let me go find Gamora.”

* * *

Everyone goes with them, except Drax and Rocket. Peter doesn’t say it out loud, but he’s afraid the zoo employees might think Rocket escaped, and he doesn’t want another fiasco on his hands, so he suggests that Rocket and Drax visit a Terran hands-on science center instead.

After they arrive at the zoo, Nebula and Kraglin wander off on their own, while Peter, Gamora, Yondu, and Zoe walk around together.

Yondu keeps pointing out normal Terran animals to Peter in awe, and Peter just shakes his head. “That’s just an elephant, Yondu. You’re acting more excited than those kids over there.”

Zoe, however, thinks it’s sweet that Yondu is so excited about it, and she tells him about some of the animals as they walk around.

Meanwhile, Nebula and Kraglin have found the big cat exhibit. “Lookit that cat, Neb!”

“It is truly amazing.”

“What’cha reckon it is?”

She looks at the sign. “It is a  _ tiger _ .”

“Wow.” Kraglin is in awe.

“Let’s take it with us. It will be one cat Yondu will not try to eat.”

“Take it with us? Can we do that?”

“Why not?”

* * *

Later, as Yondu and Zoe are watching the giraffes, they hear an announcement over the intercom. “Security to the tiger enclosure, please.”

“Oh, no.”

“What’s tha matter, Darlin’?”

“You don’t think any of the others have anything to do with security being called, do you?”

“Nah.”

They hear a roaring close by, and then Nebula and Kraglin walk around the corner, followed by a fully-grown tiger.

“Oh my God,” Zoe says, weakly.

“Ya okay, Darlin’, yer lookin’ a little pale?”

“They’ve got a  _ tiger _ , Yondu.”

“That’d be quite a feast, dont’cha think?”

Zoe backs up as Nebula, Kraglin, and the tiger approach.

“Don’t worry, Zoe, Neb won’t let tha tiger hurt ya.”

“What?”

“She can talk ta cats.”

“ _ What _ ?”

“It is true. This tiger will not hurt you.”

“See? Nothin’ ta worry ‘bout, Darlin’.”

“ _ Nothing to worry about? _ They’re stealing a  _ tiger _ !”

“Ya worried ‘bout gettin’ banned from tha zoo?”

“Forget being banned, I’m worried we’re going to get  _ arrested _ . Take it back!”

“Fine, we will put it back if it concerns you so much.”

“ _ Thank you _ .”

Kraglin and Nebula walk back toward the big cat exhibit, with the tiger alongside them, nudging Nebula’s hand with his head. She pets him, and Zoe shakes her head.

“I can’t believe this. We have got to go before they decide they want to take another wild animal back on the ship with us. Let’s find Peter and Gamora and get out of here.”

* * *

After they find Peter and Gamora, Yondu tells them what happened.

“A  _ tiger _ ?” Peter realizes he really needs to stay on Nebula’s good side.

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	61. Episode 61

While they’re staying at the resort, Yondu gets hooked on late night infomercials. He thinks it’s some weird Terran TV show and he loves it. Any time one of the others gets up to get a drink or go to the bathroom, Yondu pulls them into the main room and makes them watch with him.

He’s obsessed with things called ShamWow, The Spin Mop, Hawaii Chair, and Flowbee. 

At one point while Yondu is watching the Flowbee infomercial, Peter walks in and Yondu gets all excited.

“Son, lookit this! Think I need ta get me one of these!”

Peter sits down next to Yondu, and looks between the bald Centaurian next to him and the infomercial. “Dad. Seriously?”

“Wha’ son?”

“Dude! You don’t even have any hair!”

“Why’s that matter?”

Groaning, Peter gets up, gets the bottle of water he came out for, and heads back to his room.

Yondu sees at the end of the infomercial that you can buy a Flowbee at the ‘As Seen on TV Store’. He gets excited and wants to surprise Zoe, so rather than wake her to ask where the store would be, he goes down to the front desk to ask the night clerk where the store is. He rubs his hands together when he realizes it’s in the mall. But he has to wait until it opens. 

As soon as the mall opens, he’s there, and the first thing he comes across is a t-shirt kiosk that sells Yondu shirts. He buys one in Zoe’s size and whistles happily to himself while he searches down the ‘As Seen On TV Store’. It’s better than he thought it would be, and he buys Zoe a ShamWow. Deciding he needs to bring her back with him, he heads back to the resort with his two gifts for her.

When he walks in the door, he finds her sitting on the couch in the main room reading a book. 

“Hey there, Yondu.” She smiles over at him.

“Hey, darlin’, I got some things fer ya.”

“Oh?” She sits up excitedly and sets her book aside. “What did you get?”

He hands her the t-shirt. 

She tilts her head as she studies his picture on the front of the shirt. 

“Now ya can have me with ya all the time.”

“Oh! Yay!” Internally, she’s face palming.

“I swear, darlin’, yer never gonna believe the shop I found!”

“Yondu, is this anything like the  _ last _ Terran shop you found?”

“Nah Darlin’, this place has all kinda stuff.” He reaches into the bag and pulls out his other gift. “I got this fer ya there.”

Zoe has no idea how to respond to the ShamWow in her hands.

“C’mon! Let’s go check it out. It’ll be fun and tha mall ain’t far.”

“Oh...okay, Yondu. But you have to promise to be on your best behavior.”

He makes an X motion over his chest. “Cross ma heart.”

_ Will Yondu behave? _

_ Find out next week on... As The Ravager Turns _


	62. Episode 62

Zoe is scared to know just what kind of store Yondu has found now, but she goes with him. Partly to keep him out of trouble, and partly because she’s curious to know what store has him so excited. 

When they get to the entrance of the store, Yondu gestures grandly, and says, “Here it is!”

“The “As Seen on TV” store? Really?”

“Yeah, it’s great! C’mon!” He grabs her hand and pulls her inside the store. 

At first, she just teases him about being so excited over everything. 

“Lookit this, Darlin’!” He holds the item up so Zoe can see it. “A Soap Brite!”

“Why would you want that?”

“So ya can see when ya wash yer hands in the dark.”

“How often do you wash your hands in the dark?”

“Well, ya never know when ya might need it.”

“That is so neat, Yondu. Now I understand why you’d rather shop in here than go do something fun.”

“Now, Zoe, don’t be like that.”

“I just don’t understand your fascination with all of this stuff… wait, what’s that?” She picks up a box from the shelf. “Oh my goodness, I love this!”

“I told ya, Darlin’!” 

After that, they’re both huge dorks about the whole thing, and end up picking up several items. Yondu eventually has to go back to the front to get a cart so they can get more stuff. 

They end up buying something for everyone, including Mantis and Groot back on the Eclector. 

They return to the resort a couple of hours later, laden with shopping bags. Peter is scared to know what they bought – he’s had too much experience with Yondu’s shopping trips. He’s intrigued after he sees some of Zoe’s stuff, though, and has almost decided to take Gamora later, when Yondu pulls something out of one of his bags.

“Got somethin’ fer ya, son.”

“Oh, wow, thanks, Dad!” He takes the box from Yondu, then looks back at him. “A Belly Burner Belt? Really? What are you trying to say, Yondu?”

“Yer always complainin’ ya think yer soft.”

Peter sputters a reply, but he doesn’t give the belt back to Yondu. He starts using it in secret. That is, until Rocket finds out.

“Also got this here UroClub.” 

He hands it to a baffled Kraglin. Kraglin reads the front of the box out loud, “A portable urinal ingeniously disguised as a golf club.”

Peter looks over Kraglin’s shoulder, then asks Yondu, “Why would you buy something like that?”

“It could come in handy.”

“You don’t even play golf!”

“What’s golf?”

Peter facepalms. “Nevermind.”

_Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns_


	63. Episode 63

After all of the craziness and trouble in Florida, Zoe is reluctant to make any more plans for the group, but Peter suggests they go visit his grandparents. She  _ thinks _ that would be all right. After all, there’s not a lot in the rural area his grandparents live in, so Drax and Rocket fly back to the Eclector after dropping the rest off in Missouri. This time, since Peter’s grandparents are fairly used to Yondu, they all stay at the house. 

They’re all sitting around the breakfast table the first morning they’re there when Nebula looks out the window at the cows in the pasture.

“What is that?” She looks at Kraglin, who shrugs.

Peter looks to where she’s pointing. “That’s a cow. Grandad raises a few for milk.”

“Do you drain its blood to get the milk?”

Janis almost drops the plate of bacon she’s carrying to the table and gives Peter a look.

“ _ NO _ !! Nebula, you…” He puts his face in his hand and shakes it. 

Gamora just pats his back with a smile and takes a piece of bacon.

“Let’s eat, then Peter can take you outside after and show you how we milk the cows.” Janis throws Nebula a cautious smile.

“I’ll come with ya, sounds interestin’.” Kraglin scoops some eggs on Nebula’s plate, then his, and passes the platter to Yondu, who gives it a funny look.

“Me too. I love cows.” Zoe adds with a smile and takes the platter of bacon from Gamora when she passes it. “I used to think chocolate milk came from brown cows.”

Gregg chuckles at that. “Meredith used to tell Peter the same thing when he was little.”

“Yeah.” Peter’s eyes flick from his grandfather to his plate, where Gamora is scooping potatoes onto it. 

They’re all quiet for a minute until Yondu pipes up. “Y’all have fun with them critters, they don’t look tasty. I’ll stay here’n watch Alf with Gregg.”

Peter immediately turns green and drops his fork back on his plate.

Gamora hisses at Yondu. “I’ll stay behind, too.”

After they all finish eating, Peter takes Nebula, Kraglin, and Zoe out to see the cows and show them how they’re milked. Yondu hangs back at the table while Gamora goes upstairs to take a shower. 

“Ya need some help cleanin’ up?” He asks Janis when she starts cleaning up the table.

Janis is no longer uncomfortable around Yondu after their last few visits and actually enjoys talking to him. For limited periods of time. He can be a handful. “Sure, if you want to scrape the plates and platters and hand them to me, that would be nice.”

They work on cleaning up the dishes, and Janis asks Yondu to tell her some things Peter did as a child. So he tells her how Peter used to hide in the air vents of the old Eclector, but doesn’t tell her it was because the boy was hiding from Taserface. Then Yondu complains about how Peter got all of the Ravagers so hooked on the twelve songs on his Walkman that Yondu wound up having to install a sound system on the ship. They look out the window to find Peter teaching Nebula how to milk a cow, and Yondu tells her that Peter tried to keep an Orloni as a pet. She looks a little sick when he describes just what an Orloni is. 

Janis watches his face while he talks about Peter, and can tell he really loves her grandson. She’s thankful Yondu kept Peter, and as she listens to the fondness in his tone, she has an idea.

“Would you like to see his baby pictures?”

“Ya got pictures of him when he’s smaller?”

“Of course. Meredith always had her camera out.”

She goes to get a photo album while he finishes the last of the dishes and opens it up on the kitchen table when she comes back. The look on Yondu’s face when he sees pictures of Peter even smaller than when he was taken from Earth tells Janis all she needs to know. Yondu loves that boy as if he were his own flesh and blood, and it makes Janis’ heart swell with happiness.

They go through the pictures and she tells him all kinds of stories about Peter when he was little. Some embarrassing, some just things a parent cherishes. At one point he picks up a picture of Peter when he was two and dressed in cowboy boots, his diaper, and a cowboy hat. Yondu rubs his finger over it and she  _ thinks _ she sees a tear in his eye.

“That was Halloween 1982. Gregg used to wear boots and a hat like that when we raised cows for the local slaughterhouse. Peter wanted to dress up like his Grandad.”

Yondu chuckles. “He kinda did the same thing after I picked him up. Started tellin’ the Ravagers ‘bout this Halloween thing and dressed up like me. Even shaved his head and had Kraglin help him make a fin like my old one.” 

She’s sure she sees a tear now. “Would you like to keep the picture?”

He looks up at her, startled, and then back at the picture. After awkwardly clearing his throat, he nods.

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	64. Episode 64

Yondu is watching  _ Alf _ in the Quills’ living room when Peter walks through and opens the front door.

“Where ya goin’, son?”

“Oh, uh, nowhere. I was just going to walk around.”

“Lemme come with ya. Need to stretch my legs anyway.”

He starts to stand, but Peter holds up his hand. “I was going to walk around… alone.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Why would you think something’s wrong?”

“Ain’t like ya ta jus’ walk around on yer own these days. Usually got Gamora with ya.” Yondu narrows his eyes. “Plus yer actin’ kinda funny.”

“I’m not acting funny!”

“Yeah, ya are, yer -”

“Fine,” Peter interrupts. “If you just  _ have _ to know, I was going to visit my mom’s grave.” Rubbing the back of his head, he looks up at the ceiling, trying to avoid Yondu’s eyes. “Now can I go?”

Peter didn’t see it since he was staring at the ceiling, but Yondu’s face softened slightly.

“Oh, yeah, ‘course.”

“ _ Thank _ you.”

He turns to the door and opens it, but Yondu speaks up before he can walk out. “Ya mind if I walk with ya? Ain’t gonna bother ya. I really did need ta stretch my legs.”

Peter sighs. “Yeah, whatever. Let’s go.”

* * *

They didn’t talk much on the way to the cemetery, and when they finally reached it, Yondu let Peter walk ahead so he could find his mother’s grave on his own. Yondu walked around reading the various headstones but always kept Peter in view, though he didn’t let Peter know he was watching him.

After a few minutes, Yondu glances over and realizes Peter is on his knees in front of his mother’s grave, head bowed and shoulders shaking. Yondu knows he probably isn’t the best one to handle this, but he’s the only one there, so he takes a deep breath and walks over to where Peter is kneeling on the ground.

Yondu doesn’t say anything. He places his hand on Peter’s shoulder, and Peter stiffens at the touch but doesn’t move away.

Finally, Peter wipes his eyes but doesn’t look up. “It’s just not fair, you know? She was such a good person, and she didn’t deserve this.”

“Bad things happen ta good people sometimes, an’ there ain’t usually nothin’ we can do ‘bout it.”

Peter nods, then stands up. “She was the best mom. You’d have liked her.”

“I’m sure I woulda. An’ I know she’d be proud ta see how ya turned out.”

They stand in silence for a moment, then Peter turns away and starts walking back to the gate. “Come on, I think Grandad is going to grill some burgers this afternoon.”

“Sounds good.”

As they leave the cemetery, Peter throws his arm around Yondu’s shoulder, and the two walk back to the Quills’ house, talking companionably. 

  
  


_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	65. Episode 65

After a few days, Gregg suggests the guys all go for a fishing trip to give the ladies some time to themselves. He has one of those big RVs that will fit them all, and they decide to take a few days and go camping, too. While they’re driving the few hours to the campsite, Yondu and Kraglin ask Gregg all kinds of questions about the RV. 

“Wha’dya mean it don’t fly? Why’d ya buy a broken ship?” Yondu is sitting in the passenger seat while Gregg is driving, and Peter groans.

“Yondu, here on Earth...uh Terra…not all of our vehicles fly.” Gregg is surprisingly patient. 

“Why not?” Kraglin interjects.

Peter is shaking his head at the two of them. “Guys,  _ come on _ , we’re not in space. Most people here don’t have the money to fly everywhere they go.”

Yondu gets up and goes back to where Kraglin sits, and Peter takes his place in the passenger seat next to his grandfather. He’s a little suspicious as he watches the two of them talking quietly, especially when Kraglin gets on his wrist comm. Peter chooses to pretend like they  _ aren’t _ going to cause any trouble on the trip and turns around to look at the road.

* * *

Later that evening, Peter, Yondu, and Kraglin are sitting around the campfire when Gregg walks up while looking back over his shoulder. “Hey, Pete?”

“Yeah, Grandad?”

“Why is there a raccoon wearing a jumpsuit working on the RV’s engine?” 

“What?”

Gregg moves out of Peter’s line of sight and points back to the RV where Rocket is laying over the engine with a wrench in his hand. Groot sees him looking and hops up to wave at everyone. “Is...Is that a...tiny tree?”

“Tha’s Twig and the one fixin’ yer ship is Rat.” Yondu offers.

Peter swings his head around to glare at Yondu. “You. Called. Rocket?”

Yondu points to Kraglin. “Nah, Krags did.”

Kraglin points back at Yondu. “Only cause Cap’n told me ta.”

Rocket chooses that moment when Gregg looks back his way to stand up. “Hey, Quill!! Get over here and start this thing, will ya? I think I got it fixed so it’ll fly.”

“I think I need to sit down.” Gregg sits down heavily in the camping chair next to him. “I have to be hallucinating.”

“Fly? What?” Peter splutters and gives both Yondu and Kraglin exasperated looks before going over to the RV and glaring at Rocket. “Rocket, what did you  _ do _ ?”

“Kraglin called me and said your grandfather’s ship was broken, so I fixed it. It should fly now.”

“I don’t even know what to say to that.”

Rocket puts his paws on his hips and Groot mirrors his stance. 

“I am Groot.”

“You’re kidding me? The tree talks too?” Gregg has walked over to stand next to Peter, curiosity having gotten the better of him.

“Of course he talks! What’s wrong with you?” Rocket snarks.

“Calm down, Rocket, raccoons and trees don’t talk here on Terra.” Peter is especially proud of the fact that he’s not throttling Rocket or Yondu at the moment.

Something catches Groot's eye and he looks for a way to scramble down off the RV, finally settling on reaching tendrils out to Gregg and climbing down him.

“PETE!!”

“It’s okay, Grandad, he won’t hurt you.”

They all realize that an actual wild raccoon is standing at the edge of their campsite and Groot is trying to talk to it. He starts jumping up and down yelling ‘I am Groot’ when it doesn’t respond. 

Rocket narrows his eyes and looks at Peter. “What the hell kind of rodent is that, Quill?”

Peter scrubs a hand over his face and looks up at the stars before answering. “I’ve been trying to tell you that you’re a raccoon.” 

“I ain’t that, and that ain’t me.” Rocket growls a little bit when Groot moves closer to the raccoon trying to get it to respond to him. “Groot! Get away from that thing, you don’t know where it’s been!”

“Wha’s tha matter Rat?” Yondu walks up and sees the raccoon. “Think it’s yer cousin or somethin’?”

“Look, ya blue idiot…”

Yondu and Rocket start arguing while Groot runs over to Peter and climbs up his clothing, clearly upset the other raccoon wouldn’t respond to him.

“I am Groot!!”

“It’s okay, Groot, raccoons here can’t talk like Rocket does. He’s special, just like you are, buddy.”

“I think I need a beer,” Gregg says and goes back to his chair in front of the campfire. 

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	66. Episode 66

Gregg is organizing the fishing equipment when Yondu walks up carrying a box of supplies from the RV.

He sets the box down, and says, “What kinda weapons y’all use ta kill them fish?”

Gregg looks up in confusion. “What?”

“What’re ya gonna use ta kill ‘em? Blasters?”

“What are you  _ talking _ about?”

“Ya ain’t got no armor ta put on? They don’t fight back?”

Peter walks up to them, carrying a tackle box. “Yondu, it’s not going to be a  _ fight _ . You use fishing rods to catch fish.”

“Rods?”

Peter sighs. “Yeah, let me show you.” He picks up one of the fishing rods lying next to Gregg, and motions for Yondu to follow him away from the group. “You just put your bait on the hook, pull your rod back like this, then let it fly until it lands in the water.”

“Tha whole rod?”

“ _ No _ , not the whole rod. Geez, Dad. See this button on the reel? When you bring your rod forward to cast it, you press the button to release the line, and when you want to stop releasing the line, you let go of the button.”

“Seems easy enough.”

“Yeah, it’s not that hard.”

“Then what?”

“You just leave your line in the water until you feel a tug, and then you reel it in with this reel handle.”

“Can’t I jus’ use my arrow?”

They hear a snort behind them as Gregg walks up.

Peter shakes his head. “No, Yondu, you can’t use your arrow.”

“Why not?” He whistles and his Yaka arrow flies out of its holster and into the water, returning a few seconds later.

“I told you it wouldn’t...” Peter breaks off as three fish float to the top. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.”

Gregg clears his throat. “Let me just get a net to get those out of the water.”

He walks off, and Yondu grins at Peter. “How’d I do?”

“I mean, technically you caught some fish, but that’s really not how fishing works. Why don’t you try using the rod this time?”

He adds some bait to the hook, then leads Yondu to the edge of the lake and lets him try.

* * *

Meanwhile, Kraglin is trying to set up a tent, as Rocket watches and shakes his head.

“It ain’t that hard. Here, let me show you how it’s done.”

Yondu and Peter return to the campsite to find Rocket yelling at Groot to get out of the tent while he’s trying to put it up.

“Y’all boys havin’ trouble with yer tent? Lemme show ya what me an’ Zoe found at that TV store tha other day.” He walks to the RV, then returns with a small box. Opening it up, he pulls out a small rectangle of fabric and tosses it in the air. The others start to scoff until it pops into a fully-formed tent, and lands on the ground in front of them.

Kraglin looks at his own sad excuse for a tent, and says, “Hey, Dad, ya got anymore a them tents?”

_ What trouble will Yondu get into next week? _

_ Find out next week on... As The Ravager Turns _


	67. Episode 67

Several weeks later, Peter is in control working on one of the holoscreens at Yondu’s console while the Centaurian sits there, looking bored, and drums his fingers next to his trinkets. Peter puts the last screw into the back of the screen and swings it around so Yondu can see it.

“All right, Dad, try it now.”

Yondu runs his fingers over the screen, which lights up the way it’s supposed to, then turns abruptly when he hears a strangling noise next to him.

Peter’s holding the picture of himself that Janis gave Yondu. “Dad!! What...Why?? Why do you have this?” 

“Thought it was cute.” Yondu simply shrugs off Peter’s concern.

“Oh my God.  _ DAD! _ ” To his credit, Peter doesn’t immediately start strangling Yondu, but he’s dying inside when he realizes  _ ANYONE _ could have seen the picture. He scrubs a hand over his face and hands the picture to Yondu, who puts it back on his console. “Okay, but don’t keep it on your console! What if someone sees it?!” 

There is total silence and Yondu won’t look at Peter. 

“Oh my God. Who did you show it to??” Peter’s voice goes up a few octaves.

Yondu just shrugs. “Ever’body.” 

Peter is beside himself and spluttering nonsensical words when Kraglin walks into control.

“Y’alright Peter?”

“ _ NO _ ! Do you see what Yondu has over there?!!” His voice is almost shrill at this point.

Following his finger, Kraglin looks to where Peter is pointing. Yondu is ignoring the two and going through jobs on his holoscreen. Kraglin sees the baby picture and starts snickering. “Wha’s the matter? Yer not that chubby now.”

“What?” Peter’s eyes come close to bugging out of his head. “Why? What?!” He finally gives up and walks out, muttering nonsense to himself the entire time.

Kraglin turns back to Yondu’s console and something catches his eye. He reaches out and picks up an old filigree button that used to be on his own mother’s favorite sweater. Running his thumb over it he can’t believe Yondu ever even found it. It had been in Kraglin’s pocket from the day Yondu picked him up until the day he decided he was too old to  _ need _ comfort from memories and tossed it in a junk pile. Later that night when he went back to find it he cried when he realized it was gone.

“Cap...Yon...uhm, Dad?” There are tears in Kraglin’s eyes when the old Centaurian looks up to see what Kraglin wants.

“Yeah, son?”

“Ya found...I mean ya kept...I…”

Yondu’s ruby eyes move between the button held delicately between Kraglin’s fingers and his face, and he scowls briefly before his expression softens. “It meant somethin’ to ya when ya’s little. Least little ta me anyways. I knew what it was, knew ya carried it ‘round. When I saw ya toss it I couldn’t let it go ta tha incinerator. So I kept it.”

“But I thought Peter was…”

One blue hairless eyebrow arches. “Thought wha’? Tha’ Peter meant mor’n  _ YOU _ ?” Yondu shakes his head. “Nah. Boy needed more attention, sure, but ya’s always the responsible one. Still are. Ya always had a good head on yer shoulders so I never had ta worry ‘bout ya like I did him. An’ there was Ego ta worry ‘bout. Yer just as much my boy as Peter.”

Tears are running down Kraglin’s face as he stares between the button and the man who’d really been the only father he ever knew. He’s trying to talk while wiping tears away and every time his eyes land on the button he cries harder.

“Thought ya already knew that, son.” Suddenly the thought that Kraglin has spent over thirty years with Yondu never realizing this hits home and Yondu starts to cry, too.

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	68. Episode 64

Nebula walks into the room and is stunned to see Kraglin and Yondu crying. She thinks  _ both _ of them are having an event, and does the only thing she can think to do – finds someone else to handle it. Since Yondu is involved, she decides Zoe is the best person to deal with it. She finds her in the galley, making a cup of tea.

“Zoe, something is wrong with Yondu and Kraglin. I believe they are both having events.”

“ _ Yondu _ is having an event?” Nebula thinks Kraglin is having an event every other day, so Zoe isn’t surprised by that, but she  _ is _ concerned if Nebula thinks Yondu is having one, as well. 

“Where are they?”

“In the control room.”

* * *

They walk into the control room and stop to stare. Kraglin is still crying, though Yondu has stopped and is only sniffling now, though if asked, he would just say he was getting a cold.

Yondu has an arm around Kraglin’s shoulders. “’S’okay, son. Ain’t no need fer yer cryin’. I swear I thought ya already knew how I felt ‘bout ya.”

Zoe suddenly realizes what’s going on, and she begins to cry, as well.

Nebula is baffled and goes in search of Gamora. She finds her in the middle of a conversation with Peter.

“Peter, will you please forget that picture? I’m sure Yondu didn’t display it  _ just _ to embarrass you.”

“You don’t know him like I do -”

“Sister! Whatever you do, do not drink the water on board this ship.”

“Why not, Nebula?”

“I think it is contaminated. Everyone is having an event.”

“What do you mean everyone is having an event? What’s happened?”

Peter is still complaining and hasn’t heard a word Nebula has said. “I’m a grown man, ‘Mora!  _ Why _ does he do this to me _ now _ ?”

“Peter, please! Nebula, what’s wrong?”

“Kraglin, Yondu, and Zoe are all crying in the control room.” She looks at Peter. “And he is clearly having an event, as well.”

“Yeah, I’m having an event, Nebula. The event’s name is  _ Yondu _ .”

Gamora rolls her eyes. “Let’s go check on them.”

* * *

_ Back in the control room… _

“I think we should celebrate!

“Celebrate  _ how _ , Yondu?”

“Let’s go have a drink.”

“Okay… I guess that’s safe.”

“Sure it is, Darlin’. Ain’t nothin’ gonna go wrong tonight.”

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	69. Episode 69

They decide to go to a space port near their current location and take Yondu’s M-ship over there. Fortunately, since Nova scrubbed their criminal records, it doesn’t take long to get through space port security and they start wandering around looking for a decent bar. Zoe sees a sign that says HIGH BAR in neon lights off in the distance and points to it. 

“Why not try that place?”

“Why’s that, darlin’?”

Zoe shrugs and grins over at him. “I don’t know, the sign is blue?”

“Sounds good enough ta me.”

“Oh, come on.” Peter grouches and rolls his eyes.

Nebula lifts her mostly natural arm. “What is wrong with blue?”

Kraglin looks her over. “Absolutely nothin’, Neb.”

“Geez, now you’re all being ridiculous.” Peter points to a sign that says BOOZERS which is neon green. “I want to go there, the sign is green like Gamora is.”

Gamora’s eyes narrow on Peter. “Just  _ what  _ are you trying to say, Peter?”

He smiles and gives her an unsure look. “It’s not easy being green?”

“Better quit while yer ahead, son.” Yondu offers.

“Thanks, Yondu, I kinda figured that out on my own.”

“Jus’ tryin’ ta help.”

They make it to the bar Zoe pointed out and she’s a little concerned. It looks like one of those bars on Earth where you’d regularly expect to see all-out bar room brawls. She prays to ANY deity who will listen that it’s not any of her little space family starting one of those brawls. They walk in and immediately go to an empty table across the room. A waitress comes and takes their drink orders and they enjoy a few rounds without incident. 

Yondu clears his throat and holds his drink up in front of everyone. “Ta family and knowin’ they always got yer back.”

That brings a smile to each of their faces, including Nebula’s, and they all raise their glasses and tap them to Yondu’s. “To family!”

The bar gets busier at that point and they all need a refill, but the waitress is tied up. 

Zoe doesn’t want Yondu milling with the crowd, for fear it will end in a fight. She stands up and looks at Yondu. “Maybe I should get our drinks.”

Before Yondu can protest, Gamora stands as well. “I will go with her.”

Nebula looks at Kraglin, then Yondu and Peter, and stands to follow them. “Do not worry, I will keep them out of trouble.”

Peter watches them make their way to the bar before turning back to look at Yondu and Kraglin. “Why does that not make me feel any better?”

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns _


	70. Episode 70

Yondu’s earlier prediction in the control room that nothing would go wrong tonight would prove untrue.

As Zoe, Gamora, and Nebula are standing at the bar waiting to order drinks, a man walks up next to Gamora and puts his arm around her waist.

Suddenly pandemonium breaks out. Gamora and Nebula draw their weapons, and Gamora has hers pressed against the man’s neck before he even realizes what’s happened. His burly companions approach to try to help him, and Nebula engages them in battle.

Yondu, Peter, and Kraglin look over at the bar as the fight starts, and Yondu whistles.

“Dad, come on, you know Gamora and Nebula can handle this.”

Yondu hesitates. “Yeah, guess yer right.” He whistles his arrow back into its holster. “But Zoe can’t. I’m goin’ ta get ‘er.”

He runs to the bar and grabs Zoe, who was trying to squeeze between two shouting bar patrons in order to escape the fight.

“Zoe! Ya okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

He pulls her back to their table, then tries to make her get underneath it.

“Yondu, I am  _ not _ getting under the table! It’s disgusting under there!”

“Yeah, but it’s safer fer ya.” Half the bar has joined the fight against Nebula and Gamora at this point. He manages to get Zoe under the table just as someone throws a glass in their direction. “Told ya it was safer down there!”

Zoe rolls her eyes and tries to watch the brawl from under the table, but her view is mostly blocked by Yondu’s legs.

They all watch Gamora and Nebula as they fight, and Yondu leans over to one of the other bar patrons. “Them’s my boys’ girls.” He gives a proud smile, and the bar patron starts to slowly move away, obviously not wanting to be around when Gamora and Nebula return to the table.

Six minutes later, Gamora and Nebula are standing in the middle of a group of bar patrons, all of whom are lying on the floor, groaning and holding various broken parts.

The two make their way back to the table, occasionally stepping on someone’s hand or back. Gamora is holding her arm, and Nebula has a bloody nose.

“’Mora! Are you okay?”

“I am fine, Peter.”

Kraglin just gestures to Nebula’s nose.

Peter and Kraglin wince internally as they think about what Gamora and Nebula could do to them if they piss them off.

Zoe hits the back of Yondu’s legs. “Can I get up now?”

“Oh, yeah, ‘course, Darlin’. Dunno know why yer still under there.”

Zoe just shakes her head as he helps her stand up.

Yondu is beaming. “Y’all girls did good. Lemme buy y’all a drink.”

They all glance at the bar, where the bartender is cleaning up broken glass. “On second thought, maybe we should jus’ try a different bar.”

_ Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode of… As the Ravager Turns. _


	71. Episode 71

An exasperated Zoe leads the rest of them back to the space port. Fortunately by then Nebula’s nose is no longer bleeding and Gamora seems to have gotten her arm back into socket. Zoe is grumbling to herself and walking at least ten feet in front of them. Something told her this ‘celebration’ of Yondu’s was going to turn out bad, but she wasn’t expecting another all-out bar brawl. Of course, she partly blames herself. When she saw the type of place High Bar was she  _ should  _ have known better and suggested they go somewhere else. 

With a heavy sigh she goes to stand in the security check line and turns to look back at her ragtag family. Yondu is smiling and obviously giving Peter and Kraglin a hard time about something, and Gamora and Nebula both look content. Granted, life with Yondu and the rest comes with a LOT of drama but there is a lot of happiness, laughter, and love to go along with it. Surely she can survive the drama?

The line moves forward and Zoe realizes an A’askavariian is the Space Port Authority Agent conducting the security checks at their gate. She shudders. Not that she has anything against A’askavariians, it’s not that. The tentacles just give her the heebie-jeebies when they touch her skin.

As she moves forward, she realizes they’re pulling every seventh or eighth person out of line and patting them down. Looking back at her group, then back to the line, she realizes at least ONE of them will be pulled. She just prays it isn’t Yondu.

She gets through the security check without incident. So do Gamora, Peter, and Kraglin. The SPA Agent has to ask Nebula to step back through the scanner because one of her implants sets off the alert. When she steps back through she’s cleared to go. Zoe holds her breath as she watches Yondu step through and  _ thinks  _ they’re okay when he gets through the scanner.

The SPA agent asks him to step aside for a pat down.

“Wha’dya mean ya wanna pat me down? Wha’ fer?” Yondu argues.

“Sir, it’s just routine random checks. Now please step aside and we’ll have you on your way as soon as possible.”

With a roll of his ruby eyes, Yondu does as he’s asked, though he’s still loudly complaining about it. “Imma a Guardian of the Galaxy and ya gonna treat me like a common criminal.”

“Yondu!” Peter hisses.

“Sir, it doesn’t matter who you are, random checks mean random checks.” The SPA Agent is surprisingly calm and patient.

“Nah, it ain’t right.” Yondu holds his arms out at his sides while the SPA Agent uses their tentacles to do the pat down. Suddenly Yondu snatches one of the tentacles as it moves over the back of his duster. “Why’re ya feelin’ me up there?” 

Zoe narrows her eyes and exchanges a look with Peter, the SPA Agents tentacle was on Yondu’s mid back.

The A’askavariian draws in a breath. “Sir, I am not ‘feeling you up’. I am merely conducting a standard pat down.”

Yondu glares at the Agent. “Yeah, well felt ta me like ya’s feeling tha goodies.” 

“Do you have something you wish to turn over before continuing the pat down?”

“Nah. Get on with it.”

When the Agent goes to resume the pat down, they pause as their tentacle reaches Yondu’s mid back again. “Sir…”

This time Yondu sucker punches the SPA Agent, sending them to the ground.

“Yondu!!”

“Dad!!”

Alarms are going off, other SPA agents are running to help the A’askavariian agent and take Yondu into custody. Zoe is standing there in total disbelief. This is worse than the bar fight.

_ Will Yondu go to space jail? Find out NEXT SEASON on As The Ravager Turns... _

**Author's Note:**

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